May 24, 2015 at 11:23 am #77176DanythParticipant
I am not sure anyone here can help me but I really need to get this off my chest.
This guy who I first got to know as very distant, cool and withdrawn opened up to me and let me read within his pages and I magically fell for him in a way I did not think possible. It doesn’t feel like he has kept anything worth telling from me. When I noticed my feelings I had a hard time deciding what to do because I was aware of him suffering depressions lacking self esteem and I wasn’t sure whether I was mentally strong enough for a relationship with him. I wanted him to be happy so bad and I didn’t know if I could give him what it needed. Anyhow, I felt there was such a deep connection between us, I had to give it a try, even if his unhappiness should persist and even if there was a danger of my heart ripping apart.
That was last summer.
I think we’d agree that we have been a great team since then. We are very open with each another and talk about everything that bothers us, we have a lot of fun, giggling and just being silly, we enjoy our cuddles and intimacy, we are supportive and there for another. But there is this one thing which keeps dragging us down and that is his mental (un)well-being.
He doesn’t sleep well, he doesn’t eat well, he doesn’t exercise, he doesn’t feel well. There’s lots of tiny things he could do to improve his life, and he is well aware of them, but most of the time he doesn’t even bother trying. If he could he’d probably spend the rest of his life lying in bed, playing video games and eating junk food. We had a very serious, sad conversation about this a few weeks ago where he literally said he just didn’t care about himself anymore and that he’d given up on himself. I can’t describe the pain my heart is suffering when he actually spoke these words, even though it had felt like that before to me.
How he can then care for me, how I can matter to him and how he has been able to be there for me when I was having the blues even though he doesn’t matter to himself I cannot tell.
I am a practically oriented person. When there’s a problem I try to deal with it and do what I can do or otherwise I try to accept it. I’ve tried everything that comes to my mind in order to help him. I’ve suggested to him to talk to a doctor or a therapist but he won’t hear it. I’ve talked to a psychological therapist myself but the only advice he gave me was to accept I can’t help my boyfriend and to leave if it gets too much. I’ve tried to encourage him to live a healthier lifestyle but he then complains about that not being motivating. I’ve tried to lead by example but he only gets annoyed. I’ve tried to just love him unconditionally and let him grow out of it and I guess that’s what I’ll have to keep doing because there really isn’t anything I could do, he has said himself that he doesn’t want any help. But then again he has also said he has grown used to being miserable, he lacks the motivation and ambition to change anything.
Most of the time I still feel strong and have hope that at some point he’ll just grow tired of his passiveness and that then at some point he’ll try to make something out of his life but sometimes it seems just too desperate and I feel like a lifeguard who’s trying to rescue somebody much heavier than herself and he’s not even trying to help at all because he just doesn’t care. Sometimes I feel like it’s getting too much of a burden for me and I worry over how much longer I’ll be able to keep going like this.
I don’t know, I think that now after not yet quite a year together I’ve come to realise that it’s not love he needed for mending his broken peaces but self-love. And that I can’t give him. I’ve even considered that maybe he needs to fix his life himself before he can really be in a happy relationship and that perhaps we should break up so that he can start collecting his pieces. But deep down I know that he’d probably just drown, not caring, and I am way too fond of him for that to happen.
Thanks in advance for any advice.May 24, 2015 at 3:26 pm #77181PaulParticipant
From the movie “what dreams may come”
The Tracker: Your wife love you as strong ? We’ll find her. But when we find her nothing will make her recognize you. Nothing will break her denial. It’s stronger than her love. In fact, reinforced by her love. You can say everything you long to say, including good-bye. Even if she can’t understand it. And you’ll have the satisfaction that you didn’t give up. That has to be enough.
And that’s the sad truth, you can’t save any one….although you can try…May 26, 2015 at 3:11 am #77256DanythParticipant
Uhm, I only get the last two sentences of that quote, I don’t know the context and what the finding of the wife and her denial is all about, but I guess it’s about those last two lines anyway.
What sometimes help is to get out and about and walk around in nature to remind myself how small and irrelevant my tiny problems are compared to what is happening all around the world. I’ve found someone who I love and who loves me back and yes it is hard but its worth it… but then again, there must be something to be done about it.