Anita, I don’t feel comfortable writing here anymore, but I don’t know how else to contact you. Anyway..

It’s Saturday, I came from work after a night shift and I can’t even describe it..

What I’ve describing from the start is that I had two “visions” how my life was going to be like after I quit. The “your values, habits will change” thing. Two ways, two ways that sent me into the shithole and started “I want to kill myself” thoughts, “there’s no future for me” thoughts.

The first way:

living at home with my mother, being lazy and stupid,unemployable, nasty to my mum, not doing anything, expecting from her to do everything for me. A few moments ago I was looking at my brother and I had no idea what he was saying. NO IDEA. My brain was BLANK. I know I used to be a good “listener” when I was younger, I would look at the people to ensure them that I was listening and maybe I wasn’t actually listening to everything, I just felt obliged to be the listener and not the talker. But now I really couldn’t grasp what he was saying. I feel like saying unnecesarily mean things to everyone at home. When I was walking from a park, I looked at a tree that smelt nice and I asked myself “what kind of tree is it? Is it a pine or.. Don’t think about it, mom will say it for you.”

The second way, equally bad, or maybe worse:

because of laziness – shoplifting, being homeless, burglaries, drugs, threatening, I don’t know what else, I don’t wanna know. These thoughts occured, for example, when I was coming home from the sleepover, when I wasn’t at HOME with my MUM. I would look at homeless people, gipsies, guys smoking marijuanna, knowing, WANTING to end up like that because it meant freedom and who wouldn’t like not paying for anything right? when you can steel it.. I went to a shop that day and my thoughts were literally all about that. I looked into someone else’s cart and instead of just curious “what did they picked, maybe I can get inspired”, I thought “I don’t need this, that I could make use of” and million other thoughts like that. I COULDN!T CONTROL IT.

The weird thing is that when I was at work tonight, I was different. I had called a flat owner before I went to my job and I am supposed to look at a flat on Mondy. I also planned to go to the entrance exam on Monday, just in case, I even studied at work, eventhough I wasn’t 100% convinced that it was for me anymore. I wanted to talk to people, I was nice, we had a lot of fun with my colleague. I also felt good about setting my own bank account recently (my mum was unemployed when I first got a job and she had to pay a debt from her job that was her colleague’s fault so it was nonsense to set up my own account when she had no money. We both used hers with to cards.) On Thursday I set up my own account and felt good today about paying with my own money and being responsible about it. Then I come home and BOOM.

The thing is that I don’t understand where these two “options” come from. The problem is that there aren’t just thoughts, it really feels like behaviours, attitudes, habits, as if it really comes from me. When I ask myself “why would you want to be homeless? why don’t you want to live your life for yourself and be free, by moving out and going back to school, or going abroad and being an au-pair? Where does all of this come from?” I don’t get any answer.

Do you have any idea how these behaaviours and values were created? Where did they come from? I fear the moment I give up on writing here and fighting it, because it hasn’t felt natural for a long time already, as well as going to the psychologist, etc..

If you are still willing, can we talk somewhere else? I’m really not comfortable with this and would like to delete the whole conversation.

Oh, I’ll keep thinking some more and maybe I’ll figure it out myself 😀

I’ve been mowing the lawn and I calmed down, haha. It’s silly but I’ll believe the psychic, she also told me that I’m not materialistic like my mother and that I should find a modest, fain boyfriend. I also had the feeling that I don’t want to move in by myself. Maybe I’ve underestimated stopping going to the factory job, I could have been learning about psychology instead of going to a psychologist haha.

School for social-workers was my first choice at high school, I eventually decided differently, but I still was more intersted in courses of public relations and management and marketing than in English. I always cried during Home Makeover tv series. Maybe raising funds? Getting money for those who need them? Gosh, my mind.. 🙂

Why do I have the need to write you everything? 😀 I didn’t want you to be terrified but these tantrums are not necessary haha. I hope I’ll be okay, I’m not going to the factory job anymore. But I have the feeling that maybe I should have been studying for different entrance exam..