My father was nasty verbally to her, he would call her ugly, stupid, etc. He eventually married her friend at that time and built a new house in the same village. I think she couldn’t have done anything to make him stay, as he’s married for the third time now and he ended his first marriage the same way, but she still blames herself that we don’t have a father, that she should have been capable of keeping him here.

On one hand she’s very social but for some reason she doesn’t have friends, I don’t know why she doesn’t want to make them, but she’s always happy when I take her out and I know she would love to go dancing or something. She gossips, she talks a lot about other people’s weight and comments when they say something stupid but in general people like her. I know all of my friends loved her when they met her, although she’s rather straightforward; they always saw her as kind and generous.

I don’t know what she would say. As I said, she supports me no matter what, though she doesn’t understand why I quit school when I had good grades. But she’s overcome a lot and take things as they are. She always described me as smart and in general liked to talk about my successes. I don’t know what she would say now. But when I was younger, she would tell others the opposite – that I didn’t clean after myself, that I didn’t want to learn to cook, etc.. she didn’t shy away from talking badly about me to others. Only in recent years did she start to talk about my successes instead, which always put quite a pressure on me to get good grades and be a good daughter.

She does, when things are too much for her. For simple things, like not shutting the door somewhere or things like that..

I tried to listen to the voice as my own and asked questions and here it is:

Why don’t you want nice clothes?
I don’t deserve it. I don’t want anyone to like me or think I’m pretty, I don’t want to be liked.

Why don’t you want to cook?
Not to fail. My mom would punish me and criticize me, not like me.

Why don’t you want to study?
Not to fail, terrified to fail

Why are you afraid of failing?
Nobody praises you for that.

Why don’t you want to fall in love?
Don’t deserve it. Don’t want to get hurt. I deserve to be alone and not loved. I’m not lovable.

Why don’t you want to be interested in politics?
Because I don’t understand it. I don’t want to be seen as smart anymore.

Then I got up and looked outside the window and felt as if I wasn’t worthy of the beautiful Sun. Beautiful things in general, because they don’t match something inside me..

Btw when I went to the office to quit my studies, I was pulled to go straight to the office of my job and quit as well. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t imagine coming home and saying I quit my school and job, I thought of keeping the job as being responsible but it has been hell like I said. My mind tells me that I needed a clear cut because I don’t seem to live by rational decision but based on my traits and habits (e.g. I said to myself that I would go to school once again and for some reason I’m against it). When I’m at this job I feel like I’m in two parts of my life, not living in the moment. Even going to work next week makes me feel anxious, it’s like I have been prolonging change for too long. But my mum is currently on a sick leave and I have to work..

Maybe it’s true that my beliefs that I’m stupid, irresponsible, messy, not thinking logically and all of that are based on what my parents used to tell me, because I honestly feel like I didn’t do anything right when I was a kid. I tried to then be a daughter they could have been proud of to make up for it, maybe I acted from a place of inadequacy, trying to prove myself and others that I’m actually capable of something. But is it possible that I achieved all of my successes for others only? There must be something in me that wants a good life and results for me for God’s sake.. :/