1. Lack of confidence

The unloved daughter doesn’t know that she is lovable or worthy of attention; she may have grown up feeling ignored or unheard or criticized at every turn. The voice in her head is that of her mother’s, telling her what she isn’t—smart, beautiful, kind, loving, worthy.

Also looking for relationships that are not intimiate or really close, believing in anything my mother used to say about me.

I have to say that my father and mother’s childhoods weren’t ideal. My father’s parents were very strict, my mother’s mother died when she was 14 and she was also strict. Her father moved out when she was 17.

I still don’t think I should blame my failures on them..

But what am I supposed to do to heal? I’ll never get the love from my parents and I feel that all the other things (words of encouragement, faith that I can achieve stuff) I would have eventually given myself during my studies if things would have gone better. I just don’t know what to do NOW. I feel like something in me has turned to getting the love from men, though I haven’t yet done anything and I know the problem is different. I know going that way isn’t the answer, but I don’t know how to give me the message that taking care of myself, finding hobbies and maybe studying is how I give love to myself. It’s as if this was the solution in the past..

Hello, Anita.

I went to see the psychic today. She was actually quite a cool lady. She told me to make changes. She thinks that I shouldn’t look for a full time job or a solution like that right away, but that I should have some adventures, part-time jobs with kids and young people, go volunteer and look around for what draws my attention, things that I would like to do or try. She also told me not to move right away, but she saw that my mother was just a woman with her own problems, fears and that there’s is not much I can do. After I got home I was able to not take her so seriously. The psychic also thinks that I shouldn’t go to Uni anymore. My first card showed a person who was “tied”, suffocating. She immediately saw that I need some kind of freedom after a long time.

Whether she was right or not, I know that changes are needed, simply action. I’m just always the one to look for a secure solution asap. She also gave me advice to not tell my mother that I may be “finding myself” for a while or that I’m not that good right now. My mom wants security for her and for me, she fears lack of money and so on, so I was told not to tell her everything and just reassure her that I will be fine, that I will get a boyfriend..

Hi, Anita. Things got just worse. When I’m at work, I hear things that say that I’ve been born bad and evil and that I should give in to my “true nature”. I’ve lost empathy, when I try to do something nice for others or simply talk to them about things, it’s always the same “what for anymore”. I was just trimming my dog and he was moving too much and I had the nudge to say “be steady or else I’ll cut you”. But it wasn’t meant “accidentaly” but “purposely”. I want to get myself hospitalized before I could do something.. though I feel that by getting hospitalized I just emphasize these thoughts and feelings. But I’m really afraid. I believe specialists could recognize whether I would be capable of bad things or whether it is the momental lack of socializing, purpose, love, I don’t know.. So I’m torn between going to work for another week, listening to the voice and then getting home and sleeping for endless amount of hours as a result of not knowing what to do with myself or getting hospitalized. My mom’s birthday is today, so I don’t want to tell her, maybe tomorrow.. but like I said, I feel that by going to the hospital and saying “Hi, I think you should check me because I think my mind got twisted and I’m worried what I could be capable of” really emphasizes everything.. I can’t believe this is happening..

EDIT: When I read what I wrote, “mum” again meant something different, something in me and not my mom.. :/

When I hear the news on TV now, I’m ignorant, like I wrote, no empathy at all..

Hello, thank you for your concern. I went to a check up and the psychologist did recommend me to check in the hospital once again, but she also mentioned electroshocks, that’s when I backed out. Life is still a daily hell, I’m not even going to work this week. My mind gets more stupid every day, I can’t hear any intuition what to do. Something in me says, however, that if I go to the hospital, I will lose myself completely. I felt it when I read about someone else’s experience.