Hi Anita,

Back in 2015 there were a few issues, i wan’t long out of a marriage and she had just embarked on a college course that was taking up all of her time plus if i am honest i was quite needs and intense.

The reason i went back and approached her around 10 days ago is my feelings are still strong for her and i have worked in myself to a point where i feel we could have a go at hings now where timing is much better for both of us. She has acknowledged my changed behaviours which is great. I think what’s happened here is that she’s has so many men that’s disappointed her she’s lost faith. She said to me that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and she is quite happy that way at the moment.

She was happy for us to be casual for a bit whilst she works out what she wants etc but the lack of commitment worries me is she just using me for intimacy basically. The chemistry has been great but i can’t help but feel is it all ‘not real’. My mind is saying give her time to work it out but at the same time i am not prepared to held to ransom for months and months. Granted its only 10 days but i’m thinking 4-6 weeks is more than enough time for her to decide. At the same time this new person has got in touch and is very keen to meet me and i am edging to cut my losses and meet her this Friday just to see what we think of each other. Whilst the ex is indecisive then my thoughts right now is i have nothing to lose as effectively i am single and not committed to anyone. I like the idea of Inky of telling the ex whilst she is deciding i will continue dating but that may well only hurt my chances of making it up with her. I am just not comfortable with the ‘I don’t know what i want’ is that a cop out? Scared of commitment etc? I really do love the woman but this indecision has made me turn a little towards is she really worth it.

Anita i think you are spot on. Its partly my fault because i agreed and said i was quite happy to take things slow and casual to begin with as i wanted any opportunity to try and make a go of things but now i maybe regret that having spent time with her. Now I am left with being in limbo about what is going to happen, is she genuinely hoping it works out or using me for a bit of fun.

I did challenge her last week to ask if it was monogamous and she said definitely which is encouraging, however i am not convinced if i am honest whether she see’s this long term. For example last week i ended up seeing her two children again and we spent a few hours together which was great fun but she then said the next day she regretted it and for the time being to come over when the kids are in bed as she doesn’t want them getting attached if it doesn’t work out. I completely understand that point of view but why do it in the first place. Also she said last week she doesn’t want things happening too soon all over again and don’t assume we will definitely get back together etc so that i don’t get hurt and so on. I get that but what concerns me is that’s all negative talk rather than a positive. She is either being genuine playing things out a few weeks to see how she feels or just happy having fun and i have to set my own boundaries now.

It’s sort of made me lose a bit of respect for her if i am honest as she is a strong character generally who knows what she wants and i think its a fear because she has had a lot of poor relationships in the past. I often think could it always be the male that is the reason or is it her patterns that effect her previous relationships. She knows that she would be letting a very good guy go who really does care for her but i wouldn’t be surprised at this point if she rejects me again. In the meantime i am not getting my hopes up and will meet this new person on Friday.

Hey anita,

So i went on that date today and she was great. We have similar values, conversations flowed and want to meet up again.

Given the fact there is no commitment coming from this ex i am going to follow people’s advice here and stick to my values and tell her it’s not what i want.

Does the following sound ok as a message? I haven’t heard off her for 4 days which says a lot anyway.

Hi ……..,

I hope you’ve had a good week.

I have been thinking a lot about the situation with us the last few days and if I’m honest, as much as i thought i was ok with being casual I’ve learnt through the experience that I’m not in truth.

I’m finding it very difficult to not get attached from being intimate with you when in reality there is no commitment.

Given that you’re at a stage in your life where you are unsure of what you want and cannot commit to anything, i feel its best to leave things for the time being until you have clarity on what you want.

I am very grateful for you taking the time to listen to me over the last few weeks and spending time together. I just don’t want to risk getting hurt again which is very possible in the current situation and I’ve learnt i need to have commitment.

I am here anytime if you want to talk and if your current situation changes.

………………………………………………………