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Dilemma

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  • September 6, 2013 at 8:48 am #41840
    Sabrina
    Participant

    I am in a dilemma. Lost and confused.
    I am stuck in an unhappy marriage for a few years now and have recently kept in touch again with someone that I use to like (we have kept in touch on and off for the past ten years). We fancy each other when we were in college but never started any relationship.He always makes me feel special whenever I am around him, he is sensitive, caring, attentive and intelligent. All these years I have never forgotten how he made me feel. I suppose the reason we never start any relationship was because i have low self esteem and feel he was too good to be true and too good for me and also that he was with someone at that time.
    It feels like we never lost touch before and pick up where we left very quickly, we begin texting each other everyday. I am living abroad and he back home. He is married but found out his wife cheated on him and have a huge financial issues to sort out besides that. Back in college, he will always come to me whenever he have a bad patch with his then girlfriends so it is such a coincident that I contact him again when he is having a bad time again and me of course an unhappy marriage.So for the past 7 months we been each other rock, although we are far away, we texted everyday.
    Recently I went home for holiday and we met up, we had an amazing time together. i think love has develop.
    He has always said that he need to sort out his finances, then try on the marriage again and suggest counselling. He never wanted to made any promise to me about the future because with all the mess he has at the moment, he doesnt know how things will turn out and he feels that he is not in the right mind to make any decision or give me any false promises. But i feel what he tells me contradict to what he do to me and say to me everyday. I am confused. I want this relationship but I dont think I will want to be just the kept woman. Whenever I knew they both are together, i get very upset and emotional. I find somehow that he wanted me as a distraction because he is not getting love from his wife. But other times, i feels his love and care towards me and that he is genuine. Their wedding anniversary is coming up, although he said he got nothing plan but somehow i feel he is trying not to let me know too much in case he hurts me.
    I am asking myself, shall I continue this relationship and wait if he can work out his marriage? or shall I pull the plug now. He said to me all he can promise me now is always be there for me.I am deeply in love with this man and I have told him that if we love each other, we should plan to get both of our life sorted and plan to be together. But with his financial mess, he need time to sort it out and he want to write off the marriage the right way so he will not make any empty promises and decision now to me.
    The more i think about it, the more confused I get. Does he really love me, am I being too demanding, am I not considerate of his decision that he need to sort out his mess first and then make any decision? He said he dont have any love anymore towards his wife, only care and sympathy.Sigh.

    September 6, 2013 at 10:03 am #41841
    John
    Participant

    It sounds like the two of you need some personal space to reflect and settle. You from your spouse, he from his, and both of you from one another.

    To take a ship trapped in stormy waters and tie it to another ship also in stormy waters might feel more secure, but unless the storm passes, both ships will sink. Two ships tied together will do nothing to affect the storm.

    Let no one other than you be your rock of stability and calm. Find it within first before joining with another. When your foundation is strong and you don’t feel like you need to cling to anyone for salvation, escape, support, to be a crutch, you will see things more clearly and avoid the pitfalls of co-dependency.

    When both of you feel free of any bondage, who knows, it might lead you together, it might lead back to your spouses, or it might lead to someone completely different. But ultimately, the work has to begin from the inside-out.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by John.
    September 6, 2013 at 10:26 am #41843
    Sabrina
    Participant

    Thank you for your message John. It brought tears to my eyes. You are right, maybe I love him so much, I just want something out of this but felt like been left with a limbo most time because of his lack of commitment.
    Thank you for your advise.

    September 8, 2013 at 12:58 am #41866
    Ashwin
    Participant

    Hi Sabrina,

    You have the answer hidden in there. You know that you guys need to take some time off and get a grip on your situations. I can understand that the more you think about him, the more are the contradictory thoughts. Right now, you have put all your baskets in one basket by focusing your entire life, the present and the future on him. While it’s definitely not wrong, with this, you have become vulnerable to anything and everything revolving around him. You feel so heavily invested in this that you want something or the other out of this, and very quickly at that.

    But you need to try and look at this as not “everything”, but “something” special. Be your support first,when you feel bad/good, feel it within yourself first. There needs to be some reflection , and deliberation on things outside the relationship, understand how the life is, financially, emotionally, get a clear understanding of what the life is now , how can you both sort the issues out ? Don’t just give up on the present and the future.

    Time and deliberation. Thinking, is what is needed.

    Thanks,
    Ashwin

    September 8, 2013 at 3:10 am #41867
    Sabrina
    Participant

    Hi Ashwin

    Thank you for your advise. I have indeed put all my present and future to him, you are right. Maybe I havent been happy in my marriage for so long and never really felt love and care until I found him. But I think like you say I will keep re reading your and John message and remind myself all these. When one person is so clouded with emotion, they dont see sense and ultimately becomes confused.

    Thank you very much

    Sabrina

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