This July I will be married for 9 years. Together we have three beautiful children. I became pregnant with my oldest before we got married. I felt at the time that my relationship with him wasn’t the best but I was young and stupid. I had been under my parents control (super religious, home schooled, isolated from normal activties) my whole life. He was the “bad boy” that no one liked. He was from a foreign country. He was of a different religion. He was everything my parents/church family hated. It was the first time I was standing up for something I wanted. My relationship with him made everyone upset and I finally felt like I was becoming my own person, so it made me fight for him harder even though in my heart I didn’t feel we would ever be right for each other.

I got pregnant and felt horrible. I was so ashamed, we went to tell my parents and they said we could not live together being unmarried so I quickly went back into the shell that I had grown up in. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, look you tried to handle your life on your own but you screwed up. Your family was right.” So I went with my thoughts. If my family was right then they would be right about their quick change of mind. Now it was that since we were pregnant we needed to be together and make things work. I was 7 months pregnant and got married at the court house. I remember not being happy but at peace because this was other people (the ones who I had always had in control of me) telling me this was the right thing to do.

We had our daughter and never had the kind of relationship that we would talk or communicate. I was the one responsible for almost everything, taking care of her, chores, bills, working (he worked too), all the day to day responsibilities. I remember thinking that I couldn’t handle another child because my daughter required so much attention. Not giving all the details but I ended up getting pregnant two more times. Not by my own choice. When I was pregnant with my third baby I was so depressed and sad and knew I had to take matters into my own hands and get my tubes tied after he was born. So I did.

My third child is now 2 (3 this August) and I turned 30 this year. I have stared to take responsibility for my own life. Taking control back from my parent (I know it’s messed up that I still let them have control) and not letting him guilt me for everything I do. I have wanted a divorce for a long time. I finally feel like I am ready to take that step but him and everyone else is so discouraging. I know things will not be easy. I know that divorce will affect the children. I also know that if I stay in this marriage to a man I have no connection with I will never be happy. I have suffered with depression/suicidal thoughts for years and refuse to let myself get back to that mindset.

My question is how do I know I’m not making a mistake? How do I have confidence in myself since the last time I took my life into my own hands I seemed to mess things up? Is their happiness after a divorce?