February 22, 2017 at 3:32 pm #128883AnonymousInactive
I posted on here a while ago about a very recent break up, which has still thrown me for a loop. I am struggling to move on and accept that he is not the one for me.
He has been texting me being a bit passive aggressive about out situation, saying why should he be the only one to apologize etc…wont actually answer questions, and tries to stir things up. I won’t go into too much detail, but it makes me feel a bit guilty that it was mostly me that broke up with him, and don’t know if it was the right decision, if that was the best it gets.
A lot of my friends are in relationships, but don’t seem to be happy, and also have a few divorced friends as well. It’s so disheartening. I’m scared that relationships are just so hard, it’s impossible to be happy and blissful in a relationship.
To begin dating again seems so exhausting, and I’m terrified I won’t find someone like my ex (the good parts anyways), and it will just end in a blaze of fire again…..I want to be hopeful, but it seems so unattainable right now.February 22, 2017 at 8:10 pm #128921anitaParticipant
A lot of relationships are unhappy, mostly because of aggression. Your boyfriend initiated a lot of fights with you and you ended up walking on eggshells. When you meet a new candidate for a relationship, make sure he is a peaceful man, who unlike your ex boyfriend, will not pick fights with you. Make sure the two of you treat each other with respect at all times, and you will be having a wonderful relationship.
Can you imagine: fighting is not a necessary ingredient in a relationship? It isn’t. So, yes, successful relationships do exist where the two people in the relationship do not turn against each other, not at times, not ever. Disagreements? sure. Fighting- no, not at all required.
By the way, no contact with your ex seems like a good idea to me.
anitaFebruary 22, 2017 at 8:57 pm #128927AnonymousInactive
Thank you Anita,
I appreciate all of your feedback. I would love to have a relationship with no fighting. Its just still hard to picture being with anyone else because we did have such a connection and he was at times my best friend. It feels like such a loss.February 23, 2017 at 3:59 am #128959KimParticipant
I completely understand what you are saying. I’m getting out of a marriage right now, and like you, even when I look around me no one I know is satisfied with what they have. In fact the happiest person I know has actually been single, not dating, for a year. I do still believe in love, and the ability to be satisfied with your partner. But I’m not ready for that reality yet and if I met the right man the timing would be wrong. Maybe you just aren’t ready. I know for me I’m trying to focus on what went wrong on my side last time and maybe doing a little more emotional maturing. I used to believe being all tied up in one another’s lives and having that all consuming love was romance. It clearly is not.February 23, 2017 at 1:26 pm #129075anitaParticipant
You are welcome. “It feels like such a loss”- I am sure it feels like it, that the feeling feels true. Reality is it may be a gain, you just don’t know it yet. One day you may, and then it will feel like a gain because it gives you the opportunity to have a peaceful, loving relationship with another person (when you are ready…)
anitaFebruary 23, 2017 at 7:44 pm #129123XenopusTexParticipant
Conflict between people is pretty much universal. There really isn’t any such thing as a relationship without “fighting.” It may take different forms (and depends on what people call a “fight”), but there is still the issue of disagreement at times. If you are looking for the “perfect” relationship, you are seeking El Dorado, i.e. that which does not exist.
I agree with Anita that you don’t need an agitator. Enough stuff happens in life that trying to deal with an intentional agitator is simply silly. No idea why somebody would intentionally do stuff like that, but some people do. Nobody needs the company of a pot-stirrer.February 23, 2017 at 9:01 pm #129143Nina SakuraParticipant
Hey heartbroken girl
You may not believe it right now but they do. There is no “perfect” relationship, person or situation though. It’s subjective individually but there are some universal principles like self-respect, trust and understanding which are needed.
I will tell you about the 2 best relationships I have seen while growing up. One would be of my parents who had an arranged marriage and that of my best friend whose parents had a love marriage.
The one common things I noticed in both were level of trust and understanding that was there. I can’t say too much about my friends parents cuz I don’t live with him but I can give you an example of mom and dad.
My dad told me a few months back on a Sunday afternoon that he wants to do more so that he can provide my mother with more comforts in life. Even though he is out at 8 am and gets back home at 9:30 pm, looks visibly tired, I have noticed time and again that he will head to the kitchen and do the dishes if there are any. He will arrange things a bit and help us in cooking dinner. Mom has never asked him to do it but he knows that she likes a very organized, clean kitchen.
Then there are days when he is exhausted, cranky and likes to space out in front of the TV. She tells the other family members to leave him alone then and just puts his food without asking and comes back later. I have seen her time and again exercise immense patience over dad’s several dietary restrictions due to health issues which makes it harder for her to prepare meals. The bottom line is, she knows his needs very well and so does he.
Of course they have arguments once in a while. They are very different people but can’t stay away from each other for too long. I sometimes suspect it’s the case of being in love by showing rather than saying it a million times a day.
The best thing I have learned from them is to have patience and make respect, trust a two way process.
Always have the best intentions and believe the other person to do the same for you. This is something I can’t intellectually explain. It’s invisible like the air but it’s there.
I can give you more examples too of married friends but the above is the one I know best. The basics are same in all with variations here and there.
Now you will ask me, what about cases like you and me – the relatively younger, unmarried ones?
I would say have a healthy relationship with yourself first. Look for a solid, good human being whom you can imagine spending the rest of your life with despite their flaws.
The person whom you recently ended things with was someone you had a connection with. Surely there is a reason why things ended and you need to honor that instead of beating yourself up. I do feel it’s important to no contact them for a few months and move forward with your life, pick up the pieces and discover yourself again.
If both of you are really meant to be, you will be back again after the waiting period with more maturity and appreciation. If not, then you can still always stay good friends and real the benefits of inner growth.
Be with someone because you want to, not because you are terrified of being alone.
PS – sorry about the rather long, rambling post. I hope it made some sense.