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Do I have a victim complex?

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  • #90943
    jock
    Participant

    I have to ask myself that question and the answer is “probably” of late anyway. I have been living in the past recently thinking of injustices done to me, blowing them out of proportion. Yes we need to go back into our past sometimes to dig and find out why our life took a certain course. But sooner or later, we need to come back to our current life and ask ourselves” OK what now, what can I do to salvage some happiness for the remainder of my life?”
    I have worked in jobs where people have used victim status to their advantage. That may sound harsh but I have seen even disabled people use it to gain the upper hand. One disabled person I remember saw it as his right to express anger and use profanities, abusing staff, expecting to be attended to immediately. My view (which was shared by staff anyway) was that we treat disabled the same as anyone else, not give in to all their demands.
    That doesn’t mean I don’t have sympathy for victims in life.

    #90974
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Juanita:

    Most of us have started as victims, innocent, loving and lovable children. What a surprise, that first time when we get hurt by someone we look up to! Oh, that first moment of victimhood… totally unprepared…

    This is all I have for now.

    anita

    #90977
    jock
    Participant

    That’s right. The worst of it is, the one who victimised us, was the one we looked up to, admired, cherished. Then the power they had over us was enormous!

    #90980
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Exactly, the ultimate victimhood, heart breaking! To think of the innocent child I was, you were, so many.. that innocent child looking up to with love at the parent or older sibling or.. and being hurt by that same person. It is incredibly tragic. This pain carries on to adulthood and to old age…

    #91111
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    We have all been victims and we probably do play the victim sometimes, but ultimately what a victim is is someone who has agreed, on a deeper or conscious level that the past and the hurt of the past has more power over our present. Its blaming the person who stole your power who you haven’t forgiven or dealt with the pain of. It is refusing to take ownership for your mistakes and actions. Essentially, refusing to be a victim is stating that you have power over your life and are responsible for your own happiness.
    In today’s society i can see it very easy for many to remain complacent in their victim-hood, because it serves them. Of course many enablers who need to be needed contribute to the dysfunction by allowing bad behavior to continue because it enables the victim to avoid meeting his own needs by having the codependent need freak meet them.
    To take full ownership for your life, of your choices and happiness takes a lot of accountability. I would imagine many successful people have done this.

    #91117
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * dear melissa:

    My thoughts about your post above:

    A child victim is not a victim for agreeing that the hurt of the past has more power over one’s life than the present. When victimized as a child, in one’s FORMATIVE years, when the brain is forming in size and in the many connections formed there, the hurt and fear of childhood is a physical part of the brain.

    So let’s say a boy was seriously abused as a child and is extremely anxious and desperate. The boy becomes 18 or 21. He does not get a new brain for his 21 birthday. He still has the same brain with the same connections made as a child. The past in INSIDE his brain. He cannot, no matter what, extricate the past from his brain. Connections formed, such as deep distrust in others, do not get undone with time. Only healing can do that, intended, directed, helped healing, and it takes time.

    True, the constant complaining some people do about their past while they make no effort to heal from it is ineffective and annoying to many. But the massively complaining person is annoying not because of “living in the past” but because of not taking the steps to heal.

    It is fair to blame the person or persons who victimized us and hurt us so severely. And it is only the victim who can take the difficult journey of healing. It is one’s own responsibility to heal because nobody else could do it for the person.

    And there are people who do take advantage of their victim position, cemented it for monetary help purposes, and otherwise to have others take care of them. This is also reality.

    anita

    #91137
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I did not mean that the complaining person is living in the past, but rather is choosing his attitude and his perspective.

    I felt close to God, connected to I recall at the age of 3-4. Over the next year I was babysat by an older couple in my neighborhood and I stayed the nights often. Funny thing is that it was not until I was in my 20’s that I began to ask my mom if I ever stayed with anyone. It was a vague sense of something odd. After the age of 4 life was different. I never, ever felt safe, secure., ever. So much that I made my family not go out of town because I felt threatened not knowing where a hospital was, a safe place. I felt different and I perceived myself differently. Like most kids, I lived in the moment and never questioned my experiences. I was known as a chronic worrier since I can remember and my anxiety mounte4d over time and eventually became panic attacks. I always thought I was dying, because I was, it was just on the inside and I couldnt articulate or give cause for the fear, but it literally consumed me. I was paranoid, was known to be very uptight and never had an ounce of peace. Around the age of 7-10 I developed chronic urinary infections that would not let up until I had a urethral procedure done to fix it. We all thought it was odd but went on with life.
    It was not until 25 that I had my last panic attack, I had to face some of my pain so I surre3nered enough to ease the panic attacks forever.
    Fast forward more life, about 10 years and not until I hit a low did God meet me and made me new. Two years into my healing was when I began to sense that there was something very dark in me and I was terrified to look at it. I always had this vague sense of something so awful but it was so far out of consciousness at the time that I didnt have to deal with it…until it was literally at the bottom of the pit of my pain. It was a spirit, it was the root of fear the spirit that had attached itself to me 33 years prior and I tell you whenj i first got in touch with it I thought I was going to go insane. I was with a safe group of women in recovery who I felt safe to be uterrly and completely vulnerable. The little girl that was frozen in fear and didnt know how to handle what was happening to me, stood still and I just remember after that never really being able to feel again. Tapping into this made me convulse and Ive never felt so helpless in my entire life. The devil stole something from me that that man took and it was unbelievable how it shaped my whole life. I was a secure safe little girl who naturally felt a connection to God, to love., after that it took me 30 years to get back to love. I became to believe that I was that fear and all that hurt until Jesus gave me power and now I know who I am.
    Mr Bew was his name was the first man in a string of 4 that would have power over me in some way and in each relationship I felt like the victim. I was emotionally starved for love so this made it easier to be victim to someone who supplied me with what I needed. I dont believe I will ever be that victim again because that wound no longer holds me captive and I have released and forgave and know now that I am capable of meeting my own needs, but it was this last the fourth one that provided me with just enough pain to give up on myself and fully surrender. I wasnt prepared to meet my demons until I had to and thank God he stepped in.
    So, yes I understand about victim-hood and all I meant by is that my victim hood was unconscious buried within me and how this affected me at the time as a person who felt burie3d in shame, unworthiness and guilt was that rather than make an empowered decision based on the present moment and circumstances, I was too unconscious to even live outside of the toxicity that was my mind and body. In this regard, the past had power over me.
    It actually is very freeing to share this with someone because few people know

    #91139
    jock
    Participant

    It actually is very freeing to share this with someone because few people know

    That’s why I post on here.

    #91151
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear melissa:

    Thank you so much for sharing your lifetime experience here. I feel privileged to read it, to be trusted, even as an online person, with such sensitive and personal information, emotions, experiences of such a precious person, you…!

    When I hear anything that even remotely sounds like someone is saying that … I live in the past and should snap out of it, I get triggered. You are very sensitive and perceptive to have noticed my strong reaction to what I perceived I read. I need to pay attention and think around my trigger so to read what is really being said.

    I am so sorry you had such ongoing distress. I did too. You wrote that you did not have a moment of peace. What I realized is that the brain takes breaks from distress, mine did in the form of long, all day long day dreaming that were all absorbing and relaxing, I suppose. The brain cannot take non stop distress. If you look into your childhood, can you “see” breaks you took, moments, hours where you drifted away from the distress into maybe, make believe world, like mine, daydreaming?

    I am so glad you are on this website. Please do post again… and again.

    anita

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