Dear Nala1234:

You are very welcome.

“Since my last post about a year ago, I have been in consistent therapy. It has helped so much with my anxiety… My relationship anxiety went away and other anxieties came up. I made progress in the realizations that my family has had a huge effect on my mental health. It is a slow process to heal, but last night and this morning felt like the biggest setback I have had. It felt like I felt a year ago when I had this panic attack with negative thoughts about my boyfriend (who we are calling ‘S’.) The thoughts have changed since last year. But the same terrifying feeling came back and really scared me. This is the first time since I made that first post in 2022.”-

–  (1) Congratulations for all your work and commitment to healing! (2) Reading this reminds me of my MANY setbacks and how each setback scared me as I thought that the progress I made was gone because of the setback. With that fear-reaction to the setback, I stopped progressing for long periods of time, regressing instead. Eventually, I figured that setbacks are part of the process/ part of the progress, that in matters of mental health, there is no such thing as a linear, never-setback progress.  Viewing setbacks as they truly are made my long-term progress possible.

“S is going through a hard time himself right now. It’s hard to be supportive sometimes when I myself am not in the best mental state. Sometimes I think his anxiety feeds mine“- it takes team work (a Win-Win relationship) to help each other with anxiety, including giving each other space/ alone time.

“We will also be visiting with my family soon and I have a lot of worries and fears going into it“- every time I visited my mother (after I left to another country), I experienced lots of anxiety- before, during, and after each visit. Similar to you,  (“my family has had a huge effect on my mental health“), my mother (my father didn’t leave with us) had a huge negative effect on my mental health. That negative effect got triggered every time I was in her physical presence.

For me, every visit with her was a real setback. It took longer and longer to recover from each visit as the years gone by.

“I have fears that my family does not like S. But I have no logical reason to believe this“- if your family will appear unhappy anytime during your visit with S, you might assume that they don’t like him, even if they don’t say anything on the matter  simply because, as you wrote in regard to your family back in Oct 2022: “If they are unhappy I blame myself“, blaming yourself, in this case, for (allegedly) causing your family to be unhappy because of your choice of a partner.

“Ultimately, I do agree with your answer in your response that I am feeling a mix of anger and anxiety. I have trouble with knowing what to do with these emotions when the only thing that feels like the right answer is to pick an argument with S. Or tell him what’s going on in my head, hear what he has to say and then immediately shut it down and have something else negative to say to him. This is toxic behavior from me & I know it has to be hurting his feelings. I want to stop, it is not fair to him. Any advice as to how I can combat feeling this way without needing S’s support? He is not the person that I should talk to if the negative thoughts are about him. This usually happens during the off hours of my therapist so talking to him in the moment would not be an option either”-

– My advice: use the NPARR strategy that I use: * Notice when you feel like picking an argument with S, Pause (do not start an argument and if you already started, pause it. *Address the situation (ask yourself: what is happening here.. oh, my anxiety went up, I felt angry and I want to lash out at S.. not a good idea, not what I want to do. What should I say or do instead of arguing?).

* Respond-or-not (say or do something, or not, as in say nothing and do nothing) and lastly, * Redirect (direct your attention elsewhere, think of something else, go for a walk by yourself, etc.

It’s about placing a distance between your strong tendency to react a certain way to your elevated anxiety/ anger, a way that on the very short term feels right (although it isn’t), and choosing a different reaction, one that is constructive and which fits your values. It takes practice and self-discipline but it gets easier the more you practice it.

Do you have a plan in regard to your visit, in terms of how to react to possibly being guilt tripped during the visit (“Guilt trips are a bigggg thing in my family. They have been used my whole life“, Oct 2022)?

anita

Dear Nala1234:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation!

“As for the guilt trips with my family – my plan is to try and recognize when they are happening“- if you list, as part of your preparation, what your family members (and what family member: father, mother, who else?) said in the past that was guilt tripping, or what were their first words in this or that guilt trip, it can help you to recognize a beginning guilt trip once you are there.

And then, prepare your response to different possibilities of beginning-guilt trips during your visit.

“and in a polite way share with them how it is making me feel“- if you do it around the dinner table, let’s say, where a few guilt tripping family members sit together, it may be a situation where they will gang up on you, telling you that you are imagining things or what not?

Or if at the dinner table there is a family member who was also a victim of guilt tripping, that member may support you or join you in saying how it made him/ her feel?

“This will be very hard for me but it is my goal to communicate my feelings with my family more and hope that they respond well“-

– (1) I think that you have a better chance of success (a guilt-tripper responding well and sincerely) if you talk to him or her one-to-one vs in a group setting. (2) They (he/ she) may deny that they guilt tripped you, or make light of it. In that case, it’d be helpful if you prepare a response before your visit, and insert some assertion there/ strength on top of the politeness.

– those who guilt tripped you (and others) on a regular basis for years, maybe, as far as guilt tripping others, since before you were born, are not likely to respond well, particularly if it’s not something they ever considered to be a problem.

“If they don’t, I’m not sure what my plan will be but I know I need to hold firm in setting the boundaries I need“- figure ahead of time what would be a well-enough response on their part and how you’d respond to it, and what will not be a good response and how you’d respond to that.

Maybe the following will help you: psychology today. com/ the high price of parental guilt trips. It includes: “Even a long-standing use of guilt to drive a relationship can be reversed. Parents and adult children each have a part to play in breaking the cycle. Adult children can: * Notice when guilt is used and what feelings arise…* Set boundaries….. Parents can:.. * Acknowledge past use of guilt… Clearly communicate wants and needs… Accept feedback… Respect boundaries: If a child says no to a particular outing, respond maturely to their decision….Find new ways to connect..”.

In my case, my mother heavily guilt tripped me on a regular basis. I don’t remember a guilt-free life. It is only recently that I finally feel guilt free in regard to my mother. So much of my life (decades) has been wasted in guilt that was inflicted on me, guilt that was not called for. In my case, her guilt tripping me was part of her general coercive “parenting” which included (in my case) physical aggression (hitting me with her hands), heavily shaming me (hitting me with words and going out of her way to do so effectively) and guilt tripping me- all for the purpose of relieving herself from stress and feeling (temporarily) better, at my expense. So.. our stories are not the same, I am sure.

“Wish me luck!“- I do wish you luck and please feel free to post here anytime, before, during and after your visit and I’ll be glad to read and reply to you.

anita