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Don’t enjoy my best friend anymore, one of my only

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  • May 29, 2024 at 6:32 am #433243
    Shy
    Participant

    Hello. I am a somewhat lonely person who has great difficulties socializing. I’m also in general very quiet, maybe a bit skeptical to a fault.

    Last year I moved, and in the process moved from an IRL best friend of mine who we will call “K.” While I had some acquaintances or situational friends in HS, my only IRL and real friend was her. I never made the effort to change this (so my situation is largely my fault), in fact made myself very unapproachable in certain aspects (always on my phone, unkempt, back of class, etc). I have been bullied a bit throughout my life, but for the most part I’m simply a ghost.

    You would think then, I’d feel greatly appreciative of my best friend. We are long distance currently yes, but we are within a few hours of eachother and message/play games. We’ve known each other for almost a decade. And well, I do feel that for her, and I do love her, but I don’t enjoy her anymore.

    Now I know some may look and say it must be the distance, but our friendship has actually been distant before and for a longer time/from further away. While I won’t lie and say I think online friends have the same power one in real life does, my online friends are also the only reason I’m not completely and 100% lonely. So, I don’t think its that.

    What I can say, is that I feel the friendship could reach a natural conclusion sooner than later, or *should* be. But, I don’t get a sense that she feels that way. Lately when she messages me and a mutual acquaintance, often about work, I don’t have much motivation to open outside of her being a loved one that’s coming to me with something she sees as important. I don’t feel surprised with her anymore, or a spark. It’s on lifesupport for me but again, I feel terrible about it. I also don’t know if I’m being rational about this either. But the fact I’m not clinging to her as the closest (literally, still kinda metaphorically) friend I have says a lot to me.

    Side note…we have tickets to a concert this summer, from before I realized all this. (She also just bought me a gift.) No refunds. I’m hoping I fall in love with her as a friend again.

    Any advice from anyone who’s been here? Or close to?

    May 29, 2024 at 7:35 am #433259
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Shy

    I think that there are lots of different kinds of friendship and a friendship can change and evolve over time. Some end, some don’t. Some you only speak to once in a blue moon and you pick up like you never left off. Some you keep in regular contact with and spend lots of time with. Some you keep in regular contact and spend a little time with. Your best friend might not stay your best friend. People grow and change.

    I would encourage you not to cut off your friend unless they have done something wrong purely because you say you’re not that sociable. It’s important to have friends. If you would like to close this door, perhaps you should make a new friend IRL.

    Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

    May 29, 2024 at 7:38 am #433260
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shy:

    I am glad that you started your thread. I just finished reading your first 2 paragraphs, and find your wording very interesting. I will comment on what I read so far, then read some more, comment (before reading what’s next), etc. The boldfaced indicates your words:

    You described yourself as very quiet, a ghost. But I can already “hear” noise within you, the noise of doubt (“skeptical to a fault“) and guilt (“my situation is largely my fault… made myself unapproachable“).

    You were bullied. In high school you were “always on my phone, unkempt, back of class“.

    “You would think then, I’d feel greatly appreciative of my best friend… but I don’t enjoy her anymore“- I wouldn’t think that a person would (or should) necessarily feel greatly appreciative of their only in-real-life friend. I am curious to read further about how you feel about K.

    “Lately when she messages me and a mutual acquaintance, often about work, I don’t have much motivation to open… I don’t feel surprised with her anymore, or a spark. It’s on life support for me but again, I feel terrible about it“- reads to me that you feel that you should feel differently about K, and you feel guilty that you don’t feel the way you are.. supposed to feel.

    “Any advice from anyone who’s been here? Or close to?”- yes, allow yourself to feel what you feel. It is your fundamental, biological right to feel all that you feel. You don’t have to justify what you feel.

    We don’t choose what we feel. No personal choice= no personal responsibility= no valid guilt.

    We have some choice as to what we say, type, and do. There’s personal responsibility when it comes to what we put out there into the world, but no personal responsibility to what we feel inside ourselves, in that distance in-between our ears.

    How should you act then, toward K, what should you say/ type to her, if anything? My answer to my own question: don’t fake a spark, feeling surprised with her, a motivation you don’t have. Be true to yourself and be kind to her at the same time.

    Can you do these two things: being true to yourself (and therefore, being kind to yourself) and being kind to her?

    anita

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