Things are further getting to be too much for me.. I feel like I’m rearing my final breaking point, which will lead hopefully to my final demise.

Every day foster moms son keeps calling telling her that someone is scheduled to come out to see her the next day.. unbeknownst to her. He keeps scheduling people to come, knowing that it’s too much for his 92 year old mother.

She’s had two doctors appointment this week and 3 people out that her son scheduled, and the week isn’t even over..plus her granddaughter coming every single day for 4 hours….it’s all too much..for the both of us.

We were lied to and duped. These things weren’t supposed to happen.

The rare times that she does tell people it’s too much and it’s not what she wants, she is manipulated into agreeing. She doesn’t want all of these things to happen, she complains to me all the time about it, I tell her to tell her family, she never does, so I tell them , then they speak to her, she lies and tells them everything is okay and agrees with them, as usual making a liar out of me.

They have warped and manipulated her into thinking that this is what’s best for her, to ignore and invalidate her own feelings and self, and she is warped into believing this is love and showing care for her.

Idk what to do. I really want to leave like I should have done a long time ago, but I have no income, and I have nobody..and I’m disabled and have to remain unemployed… I’ve been abused, isolated, discarded, traumatized, and used in all kinds of ways since I’ve been born… I don’t know anything else, nor how to be any other way. ..nor will I ever.

Foster mom and her family have been terrible since I’ve come here 32 years ago…nor have they really cared nor have they bothered too much with me. They don’t even know the basics about me.

I have been nothing but a free caregiver and maid for their mother.

Her son went on a rant last year how their family is glad that I take care of their mother and how much money they’re saving by not having to hire anyone. I felt saddened, humiliated, and embarrassed.

I have learnt to be comfortable in abuse, toxicity, and unhealthy situations. I will never be otherwise.

I will never be healthy , I am just damaged ungoods and I am irreparable…
I have been doomed since before birth…and after.

My foster mother doesn’t care about me, just about what I can do for her. At 92 years old with a lot of health problems and dementia…she has still been as abusive, offensive, and insulting to me as she has always been.

Every time I tell her that things are beyond too much for me now and that I may have to find another place to live….she finds ways to insult me and make it about herself. ..and tries to manipulate and bully me. ..which always makes me often unable to distinguish and differentiate between her overall personality and the dementia.

When I tell her these things, she tells me that I’m being very selfish and am only thinking about myself. That it’s too much for her, and she doesn’t think it’s too much for me as she is the only one they’re seeing, and that I’m not even present and just up in the room. That I should just be able to put up with things.

That she’s done so many wonderful things for me, and that I have done nothing for her and that I need to stop being selfish…

Then she often goes into these rants about how she feels she helps people, and she she is always nice, and that’s why she she agrees to go along with whatever her family says because it’s helping them…

That her family is trying to “save” her because they really care…that her character is the reason why she has lived so long and whatever they’re doing for her is keeping her well and alive. . That if I had been raised “right” I wouldn’t be so selfish and I should be like her.. That I’m ungrateful and hateful that’s why bad things happen to me. That I should be “thankful” for my “blessings” and thank “God” ..

She started bashing the neighbor lady saying she’s in terrible shape and condition because she doesn’t do anything for herself but lie around and that she isn’t nice, thats why she isn’t “blessed”.

I told her that she isn’t this lady and shouldn’t speak on things, as she doesn’t know what she has done for herself, nor what she’s dealing with. That foster mom doesn’t know what it takes for anyone else to “exist” and “function”. and also this lady has serious health problems, that contribute to her inactiveness.

I tell her this and more when she gawks, makes fun of, and ridicule people as she watches the TV show “my 600lb life”. It’s one of her favorite shows, because she likes ignore their telling of personal experiences, and to laugh at them.

She tells me that I’m a “miss know it all” whenever I express myself, don’t agree with her, has different beliefs, etc…

I can never talk to her without being insulted, ignored, or given the silent treatment.

I told her that her mortality, vitality and longevity have nothing to do with anything her family nor anyone does for her. That whatever will be in life will be, we all don’t have any or very little control…an unknown force or multiple dictates.

That they can’t prevent her from getting sick, requiring, hospitalization, passing away, etc..

She then told me that shes glad that she doesn’t think like me, and that the things I say are ridiculous,and I’m ridiculous and that I’m not thinking clearly because I wasn’t raised “right”, and she can see why my bio family didnt want me nor want anything to do with me.

That I’m too lippy now and I should basically just remain silent and do what she says, like I did as a child.

Unfortunately, I’ve developed an anger and rage within me ..I guess from all the things I’ve experienced, and this also flares up all my anxieties and PTSD

So by then I was enraged and saddened and stressed, so I began to fidget and pace a lot. I tried to self harm with a knife but deep down inside im a coward, and I was unsuccessful….

So in order to get my pent up anger out, I went into the basement and smashed and threw some glass things at the wall that FM was giving away to charity.

This is the first time I’ve ever done something like that. My rage and anger often scare me. I feel like something very evil and dangerous is inside of me trying to get out. I am often able to contain it…today I lost control.

Immediately I felt guilty and saddened that I did that. I felt badly for her. I feel everything is my fault ..so I cleaned up and apologized to FM for being a disappointment to her and that I will try to be how she wants me to be.

I don’t matter.

So now I wait, for the next time I am abused.

If I had control over my termination, the first time I tried to delete myself at 5 years of age… would have been successful.

Im tired of suffering.. I’m tired of getting the hints and messages from whatever that my life simply has to be like this always.

I just want to sleep or jump and never wake up.