Dear H:

You have a prestigious job, you are “constantly striving to improve my self-image, my confidence, and the love I have for myself,” and at the same time  “having major issues with self acceptance” and drowning in your own loneliness. Have you/ are you attended competent, quality psychotherapy?

anita

Dear H:

I didn’t recommend psychiatric drugs aka medications, no. Psychotherapy as I know it does not involve drugs.

Psychotherapy is about gaining insight into your childhood, into those Formative Years, when your beliefs about you and about love and life are formed. In addition, a good therapist will teach the client skills, such as regulating emotions and mindfulness.

Would you like to share here about your relationships with your parents, clues to your loneliness are probably there.

anita

Dear H:

Who told you that the majority of women are no good and would cheat on you? How often did one (or both) of your parents tell you that? What else did they tell you about women, about relationships?

– and how was the relationship between your parents?

anita

Dear H:

Will be back in about ten hours or so and reply then. If you’d like to share more by then, please do, anything that may be relevant to your loneliness and plans to socialize or date.

anita

Dear H:

You asked if  “anyone can shed some light as to whether such a situation gets better with time and if anyone has some advice on how to find love and make meaningful connections – I am all ears.”

I have more for you, more detail, hoping it will help your understanding and making your life better.

You wrote: “I find many people uninteresting, dull and stupid… I feel as if I cannot connect with people and bring myself down to their level of carelessness – and I would feel guilty if I tried as it would hurt my focus and hunger for progressing career wise. I want to be one of the best at what I  do and I cannot waste my time socializing…I do attribute my loneliness – in the women department specifically – to them. I was always told to focus on my school work and university as opposed to meeting girls. I was told majority are no good and would cheat on me.”

Reads clearly to me that your parents trained you early on to focus on your school work, on university, getting good grades, a good career. They instilled in you a feeling of superiority over your peers, instilling in you the belief that you must not lower yourself to their level by socializing with them. They also tried to instill in you a feeling of distrust of women, a belief that they will cheat and leave you. The reason they did these two things is to eliminate distractions from the only focus: school work, university, career, professional prestige and making money.

You wrote: “I can never imagine telling my parents I have girlfriend, let alone, bring her home. I would be too embarrassed and would feel uneasy.”- that, I believe, is because your parents, maybe your mother more than your father, instilled in you shame and discomfort about dating. Again, to ensure you spend your time and energy only on school work, university, career: professional prestige and making money.

You wrote: “At the age of 23 I am yet to have held hands with a female and I currently have no friends… I have never experienced a relationship…and as strongly as I want to be happy alone and independent and love myself – I am having major issues with self acceptance. I cannot look at myself in the mirror some days…I also have major confidence issues in relation to my physical appearance”- I think that the reason it may be difficult for you to look in the mirror is that you can see, with your own eyes, that you are not superior. You can see it visually and part of you knows it. There is a conflict between Reality and what you were Trained to believe.

You wrote: “My parents are amazing, hard-working and extremely supportive of my dreams and hopes.”- they were and are not supportive of your dreams and hopes to experience love outside of the relationship with them, and you do have those hopes and dreams.

You wrote: “I often feel like I have to force myself to put on this nice person persona…am very angry – almost all the time ”

You may be an only child, maybe an only son. Your parents may want to make sure that their investment in you pays off for them, that you will financially take care of them now and/ or as they age. They may want to enjoy your professional prestige by bragging to their friends and family about your professional achievements, as they have (?) bragged about your grades and achievements in school and university already.

I think you are… born to be free, free of being someone else’s possession, an investment that needs to pay off. Your time and energy should go toward the future- your future relationship with a woman, future chosen relationships with others- and not toward the past generation. Unfortunately, parents often invest in… themselves.

To change the mental training you received, those core beliefs (you are superior to your peers, you will be cheated on and left by women, and more), competent psychotherapy will help. I hope you attend such as well as move out and make your own life, your own beliefs, your own values, your own choices.

anita

Dear H,

Thank you for reaching out.   I read “I am reaching the limits of how much longer I can sustain my loneliness” and, being in Australia myself, I urge you to call Lifeline at any time of the day or night.   You are not alone.   People care.

You also write about “being the best at what I do”.      That’s a great and positive step.   You are unique and with time your strengths and values will grow and develop.    With age (I’m old) comes the privilege of hindsight.   I recognise now that many people, including myself, didn’t hit their stride until they were into middle age and older.      Until then, there is a deep satisfaction that comes with living and working congruent with your values.   (Have you ever heard of the Desiderata?)    I commend you on understanding that at 23.

Can I make suggestion about “meaningful relationships”?     It seems to me that everyone has one or two opportunities in life to experience deep love, no matter how attractive they are, no matter how much they go looking for it, or not.      It will come to you.   Meanwhile, while I admire your intellect and the fact that you’ve achieved so much already in your career, now that your university days are over, perhaps you could redirect your love of learning to a new area.

A balance to your work(or a complement to it) could be to commit yourself to a few hours a week to “play”.     Be creative.    Creative activities offer you the opportunity to develop and express your authentic self in intelligent ways.     What is your natural interest or strength?   Music?   Art?   Photography?   What are you attracted to that other people do creatively?     Join groups based on that interest – as simple or sophisticated as you choose.     If you meet people through this interest they are far more likely not to be “dull” and you’ll be far less likely to have to work at being “nice”.

If you develop an awareness of your self and your strengths, and commit yourself to ongoing life long learning (not always of the formal kind), life will bring you wonderful surprises and gifts.    The best people of your life are yet to come into it but they will.    I promise     And they will appreciate you for the unique and authentic person you are.