March 29, 2020 at 11:47 am #345928GraceParticipant
Hi there. I find myself going to these forums a lot to look for advice that has been given to people in similar situations as me, but I figured at this point I might as well write my own. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. We both grew up in the same place, and now we go to college in the same city, but at separate universities about 40 minutes away. He is a year ahead of me in school, and we met my junior year and his senior year of high school through a mutual friend. We have had some struggles in the past but overall have been very very in love with each other, especially up until our one year and seven month mark this past January. The start of our spring semester of college wasn’t easy. He and I were both quite busy, and I felt like I was trying so hard to talk to and see him through that, but he wasn’t reciprocating. There was a night where I felt so sad and frustrated because we just weren’t seeing each other as much, and I felt that I wasn’t getting enough affection, so I told him that I’d felt like the long distance relationship we were in my senior year of high school while he was in college felt easier than those few weeks. Sorry. Big sentence there. Anyway. We talked things out on the phone, but I still felt insecure. During that time, I also was interested in going to a party, as I had never gone to any college or high school parties at that point. I’d convinced him to come with me to one and help drive my friends since he had a car, and I was so so excited that I would be able to experience my first college party with my boyfriend, so I could feel safe and happy. When he arrived to pick me up though, he started crying in the front seat of the car, and began to tell me how much I’d hurt him when I said that long distance felt easier than that time, because the distance was really hard on him. I was so sad that I’d hurt him like that, and I never imagined that something I’d said like that would do so much. Again, we talked it out and we hugged and cried and I thought things were doing okay. Later, we drove around to the parties trying to find one, and it was just a mess because we were up late and didn’t end up finding one. I felt so bad that I’d made him drive all around, just to end up wasting gas and not finding somewhere to hang out. We were possibly going to see each other the next day, but at that point he said he was tired and it would be best for him if he stayed home, which I was sad about but I understood. The next day, my friends and I found out about a for sure party, and I decided to go because I just wanted to have fun and forget about all the stuff that I was insecure about with my boyfriend and I. We went and I got drunk, but I didn’t do anything stupid with guys, and my friends were good about protecting me even though some weird people came up to talk to me. I would never want to do anything unfaithful, because I love my boyfriend beyond words. Anyway, when I came home that night, I felt really sad and made the mistake of FaceTiming him when I was drunk. I started blabbing on about how I was so upset and sad that he wasn’t at the party, and how he should have been there to protect me, and it was just a big messy regret of a FaceTime. The next day I made things worse by bringing up jealousy in a way I did not want to. I just wanted affirmation from him that he still loves and cares about me, but my stupid brain used the word jealousy to describe how I wished he wanted me more. I said I wanted him to be jealous, which is not true, and we both know that jealousy is not healthy for a relationship. He got pretty upset at my bringing that up, and we both ended facetime again unhappy and frustrated. The next day though, we agreed he’d come over to my campus and we’d spend some much needed time together to eat and go bowling, since it had been a while since we had just had some alone time. I was ready to talk things out and apologize for how I had acted. I was eager to see his car pull up at the entrance, and I got in and we pulled into the parking garage. As soon as we parked though, I could tell something was wrong. He began talking and saying things that I have at this point tried to forget in order to help myself continue to heal, but he just started breaking up with me. Saying we weren’t right for each other, that he didn’t love me the same anymore, and that we had different views on things (this was in regards to the jealousy situation, which I’m so frustrated about still because it was all my fault for not being able to communicate what I wanted to). At that point, I was crying hysterically and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so blindsided because I believe that our love can overcome anything, and that this was just something we needed to talk out. But we never even got a chance to talk in person before he made his decision. Later that night, he agreed we could talk on facetime the next day to talk about things to get me some closure.
The next was soo hard for me. It was a Wednesday that I had classes, and I could barely keep myself from crying. I talked to his friend later that day just to get some insight about how all this happened maybe, and he really only told me that my boyfriend had been mentioning some unhappiness for a little while, and that at this point I shouldn’t have big expectations for that FaceTime, which broke my heart. Also keep in mind, Valentine’s Day was that Friday and we had both already made fun plans and gotten gifts for each other, so this was maybe the worst week for this to go down. That night, we got on FaceTime and I began reading a long paragraph that I’d written up. It wasn’t begging for him back, it was just me explaining with my heart how I felt about everything that I’d said or done lately, and asking for one day that we could talk things out and look back at everything that has been going on. And to my complete shock, he agreed, and started apologizing. He started saying that he didn’t mean a lot of the things he said, and that he still loved me same. He basically said that things had been getting so hard those past few weeks that at that point, he couldn’t see himself getting through it, so he broke up with me and said those things to make it easier on himself.
Skipping forward a bit, we saw eachother and talked things out in person, and we both told each other how much we loved each other, and that we were ready for a fresh start. It felt weirdly normal after being completely heart broken for a couple days. Anyway, now here I am over a month later and I’m still really struggling mentally. I’m anxious about our relationship and what hes thinking all the time. I’m scared and angry because I’m feeling and thinking all these negative thoughts, which I wouldn’t even have to think of he had just talked to me instead of breaking my heart for a day unnecessarily. I’m mad at him for that but I know that there is nothing we can do about what happened at this point. I just don’t know how to shake these negative feelings. I am now back at home because of the coronavirus, and he is still at school because he has a house by his campus. I just want him to come home but I can’t help feel like he doesn’t want to come see me. He says he loves and misses me but I am just constantly feeling insecurity and anxiety ever since the break up and make up situation. Things have changed and I hate to admit that, but it’s like they have only changed on my side. I feel different and sad and frustrated about my insecurities, and Angry that none of this even needed to happen if we just communicated before he chose to dump me and get back together. Do I bring up how I’m feeling to him and how I’m still hurting from all of that? I just don’t want to scare him away. Having my heart broken was the worst feeling in the world, and even though he is back in my life I have not fully healed. I could just use some help and insight really. Sorry if all this didn’t make much sense. Anyway, any advice to help me out with not feeling so anxious about us would really mean a lot.March 29, 2020 at 2:40 pm #346058anitaParticipant
“Do I bring up how I’m feeling to him and how I’m still hurting from all of that?”- no, I don’t think you should keep complaining to him/ dumping your distress on him, which is how the whole trouble started, if I understand correctly (“There was a night I felt so sad and frustrated.. so I told him that I’d felt..”).
Of course you should share with him how you feel, and he should share with you how he feels, but it needs to be done in moderation (not going on and on and on about how terribly you feel) and responsibly (not accusatorily, angrily, as if your distress is his fault and it is his job to fix it).
Reads like the two of you had a tough time before the pandemic (“our spring semester of college wasn’t easy. He and I were both quite busy”), you then dumped your distress on him, it was too much for him (your distress on top of his), so he understandably broke up with you. He then reconsidered. Then the pandemic was declared, measures taken, even more distress, and here we are!
In a supposed love relationship, you should not make your partner’s life more difficult than it is already, dumping your distress and dissatisfaction on him. Make his life better and he should do the same. Each one of you expressing your feelings responsibly, and in moderation.
You will have to manage, endure and contain a lot of your anxiety. He can help you some, but no way can he make your anxiety go away.
Does this make sense to you?
anitaApril 3, 2020 at 11:18 am #346860GEORGEParticipant
Grace- First off, I read Anita’s response and she is spot on. I’m going to explain a few things from a guy’s perspective on this and I hope this is of assistance. This is alittle long but you’ll understand why by the end. Stick with me…….. I ran across your article as I am personally at a crossroads like yourself. But my story runs MUCH deeper. When I was 15 (in 1985), I met this girl. Let’s say she was from the other side of the tracks, but that never bothered me. We dated while I was in high school, broke up and I went to college. When I was in college (1990) we reconnected. But when I came home for break, everything felt different. The time and distance I think made both of us feel stale. I finished college and got a job police officer. I loved what I did but I will explain it mentally and emotionally is the most damaging job you can ever experience. There are highs of great arrests, pursuits, saving a life, – it’s a savior feeling I can’t explain. You also are exposed to the ugliest side of life and are witnesses to images I can never forget. But it also gave me life perspective and experience dealing with people…. or so I thought. Anyways I move on and meet someone who was fun, but deep down, I knew she had an alcohol issue got married because I was going to “Help”. Alcoholism turned into drug issues that brought my job into jepordy while I would come home at 1130pm to an empty house just about every night. The alcohol later became a drug issue (they go hand in hand) and 4 years and we were done. About this time, who do I bump into– that girl from all the way back. We talk, she’s in the middle of a divorce and we connect again. Here is where what Anita was saying and what I’m going to tell you. In my heart, I still loved this girl- she was that cute 15-year-old innocent girl and that great girlfriend. But in my gut- in the deepest place of my soul, alarms were sounding. I thought “I can read people… I’ve done it for 20 years as a cop”….. wrong… because it has been an on and off depending on what week it is for the past 8 years and I was so close to it- I couldn’t see what was basically screaming in front of me. I’m 50 years old! I gave my entire life to trying to save a relationship that never should have been. I buried my soul in this toxic relationship because I refuse to give up on that girl I met 35 years ago. My friends saw- they warned me to the n’th degree to get out, you can do better, why won’t after all these years she won’t introduce you to anyone in her family?? She has 3 kids from her marriage who are in their late teens. She has NEVER introduced me to them once (says she needs to be sure we’re stable for that to happen). I’ve NEVER met one person in her family. Supposedly her brothers don’t like me and I’ve never met them. Likewise, my friends and family who I made sure she met everyone- they all hate her. Everyone tells me how toxic this is and get out while you still have time. So we split about 9 months ago. This corona Virus forced me to self-quarantine whereas she was also, now the calls start about how much she misses me but will consider coming back if I: Lose Weight, Eat Differently, if I do this and that. I finally realized- that isn’t love. It’s control. The message I finally have let sink into me is I’m conditionally loved. If I do these things- then I’m worth it. You sound like you’re doing the same thing I started doing 30 years ago and that’s trying to fix something that is already broken. I, Anita, your friends can tell you but you need to stop and just take some time for YOU to think. Take this time alone in pandemic situation and use it to YOUR advantage. Be alone- read some relationship books, talk to friend- but DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM HIM and really focus on you. It took incredible strength for me to finally tell her I can’t do this anymore. I explained my feelings and she utterly ignored what I was trying to tell her throwing in my face she could hook up in 15 minutes if she wanted to. Grace— Do you say that to someone you supposedly love?? It’s beyond disrespectful and I specifically through this emotional tornado- I finally told her- I’m not doing this because I dislike you, but I need to do it for ME. I need to find MY happiness. I wasted so many good years believing, “just a little more, just give her another chance, another week, and it’ll work out.” I was clear- set the boundaries I would not be there any longer for her, emotionally, financially- nothing. Nor was she going to hear from me. Grace….. It seems like you’re at that point where you need to know- you have friends that will be there for you and support you. LEAN on them. Do the things you want to experience- take a trip when this pandemic is over. Start hiking and walk alone or with your friend in and take in the beauty in the world. Join a club and learn a new skill. Fill your time because the more you do, the more you’ll respect yourself but more importantly- you’ll meet HEALTHY people. You’ll meet couples and learn what healthy relationships are about.
Grace- I finally see – I deserve better. YOU Grace deserve better. you’re young and have SOOOOO much ahead of you. I have NOTHING but regret and I can’t get back all those years I wasted my time and energy and how long it took for me to FINALLY realize that the one person in this life you need to make sure is happy is you. I was blown away with Anitas comments and she is so on point: YOu need to have the people in your life that ADD to your life. In turn, you will ADD to theirs. If they aren’t the person you want, (They drink too much, use drugs (Either of those- RUN because bad will go to worse faster than you will ever believe), if they are not the person you feel in your gut is right for you, let it go. I’ve tried to start to meet people at 50 and it’s impossible. I’ve come to accept and own that I not only alienated some good friends (they were tired of this horror show and finally gave up on me- and I don’t blame them), and passed up a lot of people that would have been healthy, loving, respectful. Please- I know you’ll need to do this at your own pace and time. But begin today! Use this pandemic as a way to distance yourself. But work on falling in love with you!… Then you’ll be open to finding the right person and they will come to you. I will pray for you.