Dear triss,

I am sorry that your marriage isn’t the way you imagined it to be, and that your husband is treating you badly. It’s good you’ve moved out to get some space and some perspective. He is accusing of being selfish and not having any plans, and you actually agree with him:

I do feel selfish – I have no idea what I’m doing, my life is scattered around – and it’s hard to keep up daily appearances.

Would you care to elaborate on this? How do you believe you’re selfish, and how is your life scattered around?

Dear triss:

“I have no idea what I’m doing, my life is scattered around…  I am so lost… I don’t know what I’m doing – I just know right now I am absolutely heart broken – and I just want to find my way back to myself – and purge this awful feeling out”-

– this is my advice:

(1) Remain in your brother’s home. Do not go back to living with your husband. Minimize your contact with him, and see to it that you are never in his physical presence alone.

(2) As much as possible, separate your finances from your husband’s today. Plan to start legal separation and divorce from him in the next few weeks/ a month, taking one step at a time in that direction.

(3) If you are employed, focus on your job and think of it as an important part of your daily routine. Add to your daily routine aerobic exercise, such as a daily half an hour to an hour walk, and other predictable activities. Daily predictability and routine will provide you with the safety and stability that you very much need.

(4) If psychotherapy/ counseling is possible for you- do that. Look for a support group online and/or in-person for women in your position. Post here again anytime you want to, and I, for one, will reply to you.

anita

Dear triss,

you’re welcome. You said:

I can’t imagine my marriage ending but I can’t imagine it going on like it is. …  It’s really hard to hit reset.

May I ask what’s your greatest fear if you were to end your marriage? I am asking because it is often because of fear that we stay in unbearable situations and feel stuck, unable to make a move in either direction.

You say you feel lost, don’t know what you’re doing, and that your life is scattered around. Is it related to other areas of life, not just your marriage? If so, your confusion and indecision may have to do with conflicting desires, or with the fear of failure if you do follow your dreams?

 

Dear triss,

Part of it is fear, part of it is sadness, for all the bad he was also my best friend and we did have some really great times and that makes me very sad to lose that. We had plans for a future that we also won’t see happen

I am sorry he’s changed so much, or your relationship changed… When you say you had some really good times and he was your best friend, how was he different back then? How was your relationship different? Was he more understanding and less critical of you?

How about you? You said “I also feel responsible for failures in the relationship – not all, but I have my own culpability in how I responded to things.” How do you think you contributed to the current conflict? (although his behavior, specially physical abuse, isn’t justified by anything you may have done wrong).

You don’t need to answer these questions if you feel uncomfortable talking about it here. But you can think about it for yourself, because it may help you in considering what to do next, i.e. whether you want to try to save your marriage or not.

I understand now that your feeling of being scattered is related to your current living conditions – temporarily staying at your brother’s place, which is 1.5 hours away from the place you work. And also, to the fact that your work is changing to something you don’t necessarily like (writing instead of designing). It seems these changes make you question your identity and add to your sense of insecurity, possibly along the lines of “what do I really want with regard to my job?”…

It seems to me that you’re at a crossroad in your life, triss. Perhaps this situation forces you to look deep into yourself and what you really want, both in terms of relationship and career. I agree with Kimita that it would be important to have support in this sensitive period. It’s great you have your brother’s support, at least in terms of having a place to stay. Try to surround yourself with supportive, non-judgmental people, as much as possible. A counselor would be great too, if you can afford it.

Also please keep sharing here on the forum, if you see some benefit from it…

My friend..

 

When you were born, was it with the purpose of becoming a slave to another?

Or, did you volunteer?

 

I share.. Sincerely.. No waste time in polite..

 

On the time everything begins and on the time everything ends. End this time or that time. Does not matter. That is the basic law in the life.

 

In the marriage there is a Law to enter and a law to exit.

 

In your message I see many delusions from you grasping in imagination of hope.

 

You must wake up.

How many signs of your partners unbalanced behaviour did you need before it’s too late?

 

All you are missing is the courage to see and accept everything that has taken place and take the correct action.

 

At the time you became married was also the beginning of the end.

In your marriage is your cause and effect brought together by the path of emotions.

 

What is the price of your Soul?

 

Nobody belongs to anyone in this life. Not even in the prison of a marriage.

 

You can not imagine your marriage ending is your delusional attachment to the appearance of the marriage. Of not see the limit of all things in the life.

 

I share sincerely..

 

A jealous possessive man is a dangerous man no matter what he may say once his madness had passed from his emotions.

 

In your words you write, the way is very clear.

You only need courage to keep going and respect yourself and the life enough to let go.

 

What is the purpose of your life?

To keep growing and discovering or suffer in the cage of abuse?

 

You must wake up.

See that all things have limit. Respect limit and respect your Soul.

 

I understand that inside the marriage is the occasion where 2 Souls pay together. Until they payed enough. That is the law of cause and effect.

 

But my friend..

 

If you do not wake up to see everything clearly from Wisdom. Your emotional attachments to the emotions of another will be the cause of your mistake.

 

You must see what your effect will be from not having the the courage and confidence to cut your emotions with your situation and keep moving with your life.

 

No one is that special my friend. I see your marriage only as the occasion for your Soul and his to pay together. Until enough.

 

But now you know it has finished. You know inside you. You know it has become a dangerous possesive space that has absolutely nothing to do with LOVE.

 

Its yourself you must love.

Enough to stand up inside and do what is right with your Soul and the Life.

 

Where is your trust in the life. And ending is always a new beginning.

 

I share strong with you.

But from compassion and understanding.

 

Nothing in this life can destroy you. Only you destroy yourself from not taking the correct action from fear and attachments.

 

There is no coming back to anything in this life.

Only repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

 

Keep going. With time will appear the distance. In the distance will appear fresh possibilities.

 

It takes great courage to keep living.

 

If you see correctly you will see right now. You are lucky. You have the occasion to escape. You did.

 

The only thing that can bring you back into the cage of your suffering is your emotional slavery to an object. Object meaning your husband.

 

My friend..

 

The life always creates the occasion to escape this or that on the time.

 

Mistake of everyone is they did not see it from becoming blind and deaf from their emotions.

 

The cage is open my friend.

You only need courage to use youWings again.

They are always ready.

Ready!

 

Fly or not fly..

 

Depends you.

 

* Dear Julie Gianferrara:

If you would like to share your story, express yourself, receive feedback, you can start your own thread by going to FORUMS at the top of the page and take it from there.

anita