Dear ally:

As I read your posts on your previous thread the following thought occurred to me, following this quote from your March thread: “I have tried many times to bring us together, as the oldest I try to fix everything, which ends up blowing up in my face. The part now I am having difficulty with is ACCEPTING the reality of the situation”.

When you took on the task of bringing your family together, fixing everything, you had a sense of power in it. You believed that you have the power to fix things. In the dysfunctional setting of your family, that belief in your power gave you hope for a future safety, that once you fixed everything you will have a safe family, a safe life.

It is that belief in your personal power that kept you going in your family setting. It worked for you, in that setting. Not because you fixed anything but because you believed you can, and therefore, there was hope for you.

It is a false belief that kept you going. This false belief is in your way  now, as you have real hope for a safer life, as an adult, away from your family. You don’t have to believe anymore in a power that you do not have, a power you never had.

anita

Dear ally:

In another thread you wrote: “I wanted closeness to my family (still want)”- this motivation you have, particularly the motivation to have closeness with your father, every time you act on this motivation, it harms you. It harms your mental health.

Succeeding in creating closeness with your father is not possible because his motivation is to not have closeness with you. When you reach out to him for closeness, he attacks you.

You wrote in your most recent post above: “I left immediately when the conversation started escalating and swearing was used. I stated that wasn’t acceptable”- good. Next thing to do is to no longer have conversations with him. If you do, your assertion (quoted here) is as if you said to your father: I am leaving because your behavior was unacceptable. So there! If you don’t want me to leave, behave acceptably.

Thing is, from my understanding, he is okay with you leaving. So what would be his motivation to … behave acceptably (when you try to get close to him)?

Got to somehow lose that motivation, to be close, to create closeness.

You wrote elsewhere: “Sometimes I have feelings of acceptance over this situation and then all of a sudden my anxiety comes out of nowhere and I get worried and feel guilty”- it is this anxiety, this worry and guilt feelings that stand between you and greater well-being.

In other words, you act against yourself (acting on the motivation to be close to your father) and you get hurt. Act for yourself (lose the motivation) and you feel bad.

This is what I found in my own healing process: the choice between healing and feeling bad or staying sick and feeling bad.

It is feeling bad either way, for a long, long … long time (on and off with longer and longer off times) if your choice is the first, and for the rest of your life (often worse over time) if your choice is the second.

anita

Hi Ally,

As someone who also grew up in a toxic environment and who like you believes that as a daughter you should still love and be there for your parents, I also need to tell you that as you mentioned above, it is not up to you to fix them or the situation.  I am not sure how long you lived in this toxic environment or how old you are now, but what you need to start doing now is to take care of you.  You need to start being there for yourself and start healing from your childhood and learn to love/accept yourself it is hard to do but its necessary so that you can have a good adulthood. Surround yourself with positive people as much as you can. Mostly stop feeling guilty for the way your dad is this is not your fault!

That does not mean that you need to cut out your family completely but maybe just distance yourself for a while let them reach out to you or if you see them do so in neutral grounds such as coffee shops or restaurants, you can also spend holidays with them. It is very possible that your family does not see what they are doing wrong and probably think this is how things should be. So there is probably not much point in talking to them about it. Of course I am judging without knowing them but it has been my observation that the parents of children who grew up in toxic homes will always deny doing anything bad to their kids.

I know that growing up in a toxic is really heartbreaking and hard unfortunately you do not get to chose the family you are born into. The good news is that when and if you are ready for that step and if it’s a path you want to take, you get to chose the person you want to marry and spend your life with, if ever you have children of your own then you still get a chance at having a happy home and family life because you will have learnt from your childhood and this time you will do it your way. Unfortunately, it will not bring back your childhood or undo the bad times but you will get to see a happy childhood through your own kids.