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Emotional Affair. I feel disgusted by myself.

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  • March 11, 2020 at 9:30 am #342742
    Alex
    Participant

    I feel so sick every time I think back on it.

    I was with my partner for 4 years and for the final 6 months of it I just wasn’t in love with them anymore. I should have broken up with them but I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I should have spoken to them about it but I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. They were in love with me and would do anything for me. They were talking about getting married. How could I hurt them?

    But during the last month of our relationship I met someone else. At first, I just found them to be really fun to talk to. But slowly, I started to spend more time with them. It got to the point where I would ignore my partner’s calls. We never did anything physical, just had really long conversations. When I finally realised how much the other person occupied my thoughts, I ended my relationship with my partner. I felt relief. A week after my break up, my feelings for the new person faded too. But I was still relieved.

    But now, into the 5th month of the break up, I feel immense guilt. It’s all I feel. I cannot believe that I had an emotional affair. I didn’t think that I would be that kind of person. I am just so ashamed of myself. My partner did not deserve it. Every time I think back to that final month of our relationship I just want to throw up. Why didn’t I stop myself? Why couldn’t I just pick up my partner’s calls? It’s all I can think about.

    I know I don’t deserve any sympathy… but please, I need help.

    March 11, 2020 at 11:57 am #342816
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    Reads to me that the intensity of your shame and guilt far exceeds the nature of the wrong. Within the ending time of the relationship with your partner, you had conversations with a person who was not your partner, and at times during those conversations, you didn’t answer your partner’s calls. Unless your partner’s calls were urgent, as in her needing your urgent help, and you knowing that, then your wrongdoing is minor.

    I am guessing that your intense emotional experience (“immense guilt.. so ashamed.. want to throw up.. all I can think about”) is not about what you termed emotional affair, but about something else. Maybe something that happened way before your relationship with your partner.

    Are you in contact with your ex partner, and does your ex partner blame you or guilt-trips you about the ending of the relationship?

    anita

    March 11, 2020 at 2:26 pm #342854
    Alex
    Participant

    Thank you anita.

    I should have included that I asked the other person out on a date the day before I actually broke up with my partner. I don’t think I would have broken up with my partner if the other person hadn’t agreed. I was being so selfish and reckless. I believe that it was a huge betrayal to my partner.

    No, my partner would never do anything to give me negative emotions. Perhaps that’s why I feel so ashamed? That I would betray someone who only wanted the best for me. I am not in contact with my ex, I ended it abruptly. I told them that my heart wasn’t it in anymore. The hurt expression they had on their face will forever haunt me.

    Here, I am unable to move on because part of me feels like I am getting my punishment. But I really don’t want to be a bad person forever. I wish to be someone who can follow their own values.

    I don’t think I want them back. I just wish I had done things differently. They deserved better.

    March 11, 2020 at 2:41 pm #342858
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    You are welcome. I understand your hurt and guilt over breaking up with a woman who loved you so, causing her to hurt emotionally. But your “heart wasn’t in it anymore”, and you still don’t want her back, meaning, for whatever reason you didn’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore. You have the legal and ethical right to exit any relationship you don’t want to be in (exception: a parent regarding their minor age child, and other circumstances that require some arrangements made before the exiting).

    It does not make sense for you to have continued the relationship against your own heart and mind. This kind of sacrifice would have been wrong for you (and for her).

    It would have been more honorable if you broke up with her before asking another woman for a date. So make a mental note of it, so to not repeat this particular behavior. Punishing yourself like you do is useless. Learn what you can learn and change behaviors that need to be changes, and let go of the shame and guilt.

    I hope she overcomes her hurt. I wonder if she attends psychotherapy so to help her recover, do you know?

    (and did you consider attending therapy so to heal from the shame and guilt that you feel?)

    anita

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