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Emotional blackmail by Indian father against love marriage

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  • #405539
    Patient panda
    Participant

    Hi

    Me and my partner have been together since 2 years , she is a punjabi and I am a South Indian and we belong to different religions and speak different languages.  Yet our bonds strong and has grown much stronger with every day that passes by. We are in canada and recently her only parent ( father) visited us. After 1 month and a half we presented our relationship to him and he immediately dismissed it by saying do whatever you wish to do. 1 month fast forward today it has been very hard struggle every single day as he has not been talking logically or atleast sensibly.  He’s going for extreme toxic blackmail which he knows could break her as she loves her father a lot. Staying strong and not reacting has been getting very very difficult as today he said his daughter is dead to him to her face and so did her brother say that . This statement has me baffled and worried as to what can I do to make situation less tense or handle this situation.  He is doesn’t speak anything or speaks very I’ll things that he seems will break her . His expectations of her is she betrayed him by dating me and she should break away from me and happily marry a person in their caste or community.  I am crying to not scar my partner for life. Her father and brother are her only family and they both have considered her dead.Please help . Please

    #405541
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Praj:

    I am sorry that you and your partner are going through pain caused by caste and religion prejudice and persecution. Unfortunately, the two possibilities that I see in your situation are: (1) she lets go of her father, her brother and any other family member who disapproves of you, having no contact with any of them, and clinging to you as her family, (2) she lets go of you and accepts her family’s domination.

    anita

    #405547
    Patient panda
    Participant

    Thanks for the feedback

    #405552
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Praj:

    I’d like to spend more time on your original post: “she is a Punjabi and I am a South Indian and we belong to different religions and speak different languages”-

    Punjabis are associated with the Punjab region in northwestern India and eastern Pakistan (Punjab means five rivers in Persian). The Punjabi people first practiced Hinduism, the oldest recorded religion in the Punjab region. Today, the majority of Indian Punjabis are either Sikhs or Hindus, with a Muslim minority.

    The Punjab has been described as the “breadbasket of both India and Pakistan”. Agriculture has been the major economic feature of the Punjab and the foundation of the Punjabi culture, with one’s social status being determined by landownership. Besides being known for agriculture and trade, the Punjab is also a region that over the centuries has experienced many foreign invasions and consequently has a long-standing history of warfare. Warrior culture typically elevates the value of the community’s honor (izzat), which is highly esteemed by Punjabis.

    The Punjabi diaspora (Punjabis who emigrated out of the Punjab region of India and Pakistan) numbers around the world has been given between 2.5 and 10 million, mainly concentrated in Britain, Canada, United States, and other parts of the world. 85% of Indo-Canadians in British Columbia are Punjabi Sikhs.

    The influence of Islam,  specifically Sufism and Sikhism are widespread in the modern-day North Indian society, clearly palpable in linguistics, music, attire, etc. <sup id=”cite_ref-10″ class=”reference”></sup>Much of this influence can be attributed to close to a millennium of Muslim rule across North India. Unlike in the North, South India had less outside influence. As such the original Hindu traditions are relatively better preserved in South India than in North India.

    Hinduism and Sikhism are both Indian religions but one is much older than the other. Hinduism has pre-historic origins while Sikhism was founded in the 15th century by Guru Nanak. Both religions share the concepts of Karma, Dharma and other concepts but interpret them differently. For example, according to Hinduism, the soul is sent to heaven or hell before it is sent back to a new reincarnation. <sup id=”cite_ref-kathleen_36-0″ class=”reference”></sup>The souls are reborn into another being as per their karma. <sup id=”cite_ref-anna_naraka_37-0″ class=”reference”></sup>Sikhs believe that heaven and hell are also both in this world where everyone reaps the fruit of karma.<sup id=”cite_ref-kathleen_36-1″ class=”reference”></sup>

    There are four varnas within Hindu society (a varna is a social class within the hierarchical caste system). Within these varnas, there are also many jati. The first varna is the Brahmin (teacher or priest), the second is the Kshatriya  (ruler or warrior), the third is the Vaishya (merchant or farmer) and the fourth is the Shudra (servant or laborer). People who are excluded from the four-fold varna system are considered untouchables and are called Dalit. (Contact with untouchables is traditionally considered to defile members of higher castes, hence… untouchables).

    <sup id=”cite_ref-jon_mayled_50-0″ class=”reference”></sup>Guru Nanak, the founder of Sikhism, preached against the caste system and for abolishing caste-based prejudice. But although Sikh Gurus criticized the hierarchy of the caste system, one does exist in Sikh community. Some Sikh families continue to check the caste of any prospective marriage partner for their children. <sup id=”cite_ref-jon_mayled_50-2″ class=”reference”></sup>In addition, Sikhs of some castes tend to establish gurdwaras (Sikh places of worship) intended for their caste only.

    Praj- now that I know more about Punjabis and South Indians, maybe I can answer you better in regard to your particular situation. I read that marriages between Punjabis and South Indians are common, particularly among the diaspora in the Western world. Is this accurate?

    anita

     

    #405553
    anita
    Participant

    I will try to clean the above from excess print:

    Dear Praj:

    I’d like to spend more time on your original post: “she is a Punjabi and I am a South Indian and we belong to different religions and speak different languages”-

    Punjabis are associated with the Punjab region in northwestern India and eastern Pakistan (Punjab means five rivers in Persian). The Punjabi people first practiced Hinduism, the oldest recorded religion in the Punjab region. Today, the majority of Indian Punjabis are either Sikhs or Hindus, with a Muslim minority.

    The Punjab has been described as the “breadbasket of both India and Pakistan”. Agriculture has been the major economic feature of the Punjab and the foundation of the Punjabi culture, with one’s social status being determined by landownership. Besides being known for agriculture and trade, the Punjab is also a region that over the centuries has experienced many foreign invasions and consequently has a long-standing history of warfare. Warrior culture typically elevates the value of the community’s honor (izzat), which is highly esteemed by Punjabis.

    The Punjabi diaspora (Punjabis who emigrated out of the Punjab region of India and Pakistan) numbers around the world has been given between 2.5 and 10 million, mainly concentrated in Britain, Canada, United States, and other parts of the world. 85% of Indo-Canadians in British Columbia are Punjabi Sikhs.

    The influence of Islam,  specifically Sufism and Sikhism are widespread in the modern-day North Indian society, clearly palpable in linguistics, music, attire, etc. Much of this influence can be attributed to close to a millennium of Muslim rule across North India. Unlike in the North, South India had less outside influence. As such the original Hindu traditions are relatively better preserved in South India than in North India.

    Hinduism and Sikhism are both Indian religions but one is much older than the other. Hinduism has pre-historic origins while Sikhism was founded in the 15th century by Guru Nanak. Both religions share the concepts of Karma, Dharma and other concepts but interpret them differently. For example, according to Hinduism, the soul is sent to heaven or hell before it is sent back to a new reincarnation. The souls are reborn into another being as per their karma. Sikhs believe that heaven and hell are also both in this world where everyone reaps the fruit of karma.

    There are four varnas within Hindu society (a varna is a social class within the hierarchical caste system). Within these varnas, there are also many jati. The first varna is the Brahmin (teacher or priest), the second is the Kshatriya  (ruler or warrior), the third is the Vaishya (merchant or farmer) and the fourth is the Shudra (servant or laborer). People who are excluded from the four-fold varna system are considered untouchables and are called Dalit. (Contact with the untouchables is traditionally considered to defile members of higher castes, hence… untouchables).

    Guru Nanak, the founder of Sikhism, preached against the caste system and for abolishing caste-based prejudice. But although Sikh Gurus criticized the hierarchy of the caste system, one does exist in Sikh community. Some Sikh families continue to check the caste of any prospective marriage partner for their children. In addition, Sikhs of some castes tend to establish gurdwaras (Sikh places of worship) intended for their caste only.

    Praj- now that I know more about Punjabis and South Indians, maybe I can answer you better in regard to your particular situation. I read that marriages between Punjabis and South Indians are common, particularly among the diaspora in the Western world. Is this accurate?

    anita

    #405565
    Patient panda
    Participant

    I am very much impressed by your research and analysis,  to answer your last question in the west it is common for punabi and south Indians to marry but a portion of the sikh residents in west are new immigrants whose family still reside in punjab and their openness is narrow regarding interfaith and intercultural marriage .

    Having said that , update is that my partners dad is currently looking to break her so that she listens to him. His ideal expectations of her is eventhough she is 29 years old and has strong emotions towards me  she should let go of me and happily marry a person he finds for her. And there is actually no neutral party in the scenario who can bring him to senses so that he can talk on some logical term such as my character,  job , values , family.  For now since we’ve run out of ideas , we will stay quiet and continue with behaving normally with him.

    #405570
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Praj:

    I will reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #405573
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Praj:

    “He has not been talking logically or at least sensibly…There is actually no neutral party in the scenario who can bring him to senses so that he can talk on some logical term such as my character,  job, values, family… we’ve run out of ideas”-

    – Her father is not receptive to LOGIC,  to what is sensible or practical, so better not waste your time trying to use logic (such as that perhaps you have a good job and career prospects) for the purpose of changing his attitude and behavior.

    I assume that you are a man of good character, Praj, but her father is not receptive to the value of CHARACTER, so there is no use trying to show him further that you are a man of good character.

    Her father operates out of EMOTION: he wants what he wants (to arrange her marriage after she leaves you) and that’s all he cares about: he doesn’t care about his daughter’s emotions or yours. As a matter of fact, he is purposefully hurting his daughter so that he can get what he wants: “he said his daughter is dead to him to her face… looking to break her”.

    He is selfishly and emotionally motivated.

    He wants power over his daughter, using his position as a father, his religion and caste,  to command his daughter to do what he wants.

    she loves her father a lot“- He is using her love for him against her.

    The way to reach her father is not through logic and practicality (unless perhaps you can .. buy his approval of the marriage with enough money…?), and not through weakness, but through emotion and power, since this is the language that he uses. In other words, I suggest that you and your partner speak his language: show him that you are strong and determined. Show him no weakness, do not submit, do not beg for his approval in any way. Be willing to get married without his approval.

    anita

    #405574
    Patient panda
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Anita , thank you for the reply with detailed explanation.  It help us narrow down our approach to this situation.  I will update if anything changes.  Again I appreciate you taking time to help me out here.</p>

    #405575
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Praj. I wish you and your partner the best and am looking forward to an update from you.

    anita

    #406357
    Anonymouscat
    Participant

    I feel like I’m in same situation kind of

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