- This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by Nina Sakura.
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December 9, 2016 at 10:16 pm #122386EllenParticipant
Ever since I was a small child, I have always wanted to please people, from my parents, to my teachers, and to my classmates.
I would study hard, be nice, talk nice, dress nice, finish projects, eat right, be obedient, and lots of other things.
Now, in my journey to break this habit, I have come to realize that basically everything I do or want to do, links back to the need for approval. When I try to write a book, I find myself hoping for approval from others. I can’t write a book just for me, other people must be happy about it too.
How can I stop doing things for other people’s approval when there is nothing I can do that doesn’t have my mind wishing for approval?
Can anyone help me?
December 10, 2016 at 9:24 am #122404AnonymousGuestDear ellenbaker:
It is natural to be motivated to please other people. The motivation is rooted in our evolutionary origin, living as a herd, a group of people. An individual needed the group for survival and so, needed to follow certain rules, to please the others, so that the others will not kick the individual outside the group- a death sentence then.
We carry on this motivation even though there is no real danger in being disapproved by most of the people we try to please. How to break this motivation, this inclination?
Don’t try to break it, expect only to weaken it, over time. Expect to always care, to some extent, what others think of you, whether they approve of you or not. Notice your thoughts and feelings seeking approval and then choose your behavior thoughtfully, so that you are not blindly, or automatically reacting to this motivation.
Do this again and again. Choose to behave as an individual, again and again. It will become a habit.
anita
December 11, 2016 at 3:26 am #122429Nina SakuraParticipantDear Ellen,
Wanting approval is a very normal thing – everyone craves for it and enjoys being appreciated, praised.
What you need to consider is balance.
Always going by others wishes or always going by your wishes are two extremes. Operate between the two when making decisions.
Regarding approval, frankly it’s yours that matters the most first – do you approve of yourself outside of what others say? Then the approval of the important people in your life whom you can count on – those are okay to have as long as you know they have your best interest in mind.
However, to sacrifice your individuality to please unknown people or this invisible concept of “society” is what you need to work on?
Why is their approval so important exactly? Will your life be over if they disapprove? Will you cease to be of value if they disapprove?
When writing a book for example, yes one does take the audience into account and any sensitive content depending on the country…that’s prudence at best. However, at the end of the day, for whom are you really writing the book for? Why are you writing the book? Do you actually have fun while writing it?
These are the questions you need to ask yourself.
Regards,
Nina -
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