Thank you Inky! I guess you are right and you spotted the all or nothing thing definitely right! The perfectionism definitely stopped me from accepting a good enough option. On the benefits of my choice – well, its very very far away form what makes me tick… Do you have any advice on all or nothing thinking?

Anita, – the first week was very shocking, because I made a 180 degrees change in my life, things were surprising, new city, loss of identity as a working person, distance relationship. I had a very specific idea of what I wanted to study, and the subject was not offered this year, I only found out when everything was set – I have already left the job and arranged living – so I arrived nervous knowing that I would need to make some adjustments and not knowing which direction to follow. I was inagining the return to studies as a time to slow down, instead the pace accelerated. I have never felt such an urge to run away from somewhere. I have never felt so confused in my life. I talked to everyone I could speak to – family, friends, new acquaintance, colleagues, strangers… I heard too many opinions and eventually, I followed advice of people who I didn´t even really know – fiends of fiends – who didn´t know me. They felt confident and calm and I though that they might be smarter, and that I might not be seeing things quite right, or I don´t really know what was I thinking.

I think this is the first time that I did not really made my choice, or made it so much against my feelings or intution. I have made a couple of mistakes previously out of fear, but have never deliberately went into something that I knew wasn´t right for me. I just completely exempted myself form actively taking the steer. I can´t think of any previous instance that would be similar to what happened. As a child, I was given complete freedom. I could do whatever I wanted, and the only boundaries I had was the ones I have imposed on myself.

Thank you for replying, it is the first time I´m posting something on a forum – the fact that someone replies is amazing!!!

Thank you Anita! For example, I could go out and stay until the time I wanted, even stay out for the night, while my friends would have to go back home at a set hour. Mostly I was happy about it, but occasionally it didn´t feel good and I thought my parents were not preoccupied by me, so I would invent an hour that I needed to be at home. I was not a problematic teenager so i don´t know what other boundaries to speak of, but for example I remember seeing my younger sister overusing alcohol and i was so mad at my partents that they were just as if nothing happened. And I think one other was of the respect – I remember my mother allowing me to speak to her in a very disrespectful way, at some point I was just checking how far could I go.

One other thing that I thought of – Im quite emotional but intuitive and when I was a kid I would often be told by my parents that im overreacting, so at some point i did start to overreact to be taken seriously… And now i feel that 1. I sometimes do overreact esp to show others how i feel 2. I sometimes tell myself that im overreacting and not take my own feelings seriously when i should. Many articles here helped me a lot to differentiate between fear and intuition or selfishness and selfcare, but i still struggle with knowing where i should draw the line for myself. Do you have any advice on that? Or articles, books recommendation?