Hi, I am really struggling with a situation and I see there are many helpful people on this site who enjoy helping others work through their problems…so, I will lay it out and see if anyone has suggestions or is willing to share their experience with a difficult family member…I am pretty clueless, as you will see.

My sister was adopted at 8 months. My white parents took in a baby of mixed race; dad was black, birth mom was white. Birth mom’s family would not accept the child due to racism and she was destitute and had some mental health issues; she feared the state would take her baby so she looked, through a friend, for a family who would take the baby but allow her to visit and retain contact. This was in 1978 – “open” adoptions were not widely done back then. My parents were the only family she could find that would agree to her criteria.

So, time goes by, we were a very happy family for about 12 years, and my sister’s black skin did not feel like an issue. Our mom was careful to make sure she got her hair done at a salon for black women, and we even attended the one church in town that was mostly black attendees; gospel music, etc., and keep in mind we live in a VERY white community, one of the whitest in the country probably. So mom tried. But My dad, I believe, rejected her blackness and was quick to judge her as she developed into adolescence, and as she embraced her culture more in the music she chose, and her friends, and her clothes, my dad just could not deal with it. He would deny it to the moon and back, but he’s racist. Adopting an adorable black baby was one thing, but raising a black teenage girl in a white family in a white community was way out of his league.

Here’s where the story gets REALLY sad. My sister had a difficult time during the teen years; I moved away (I’m 9 years older) so I wasn’t even home for the worst of it. Mom and my sister grew closer in solidarity, and my dad was pretty much there just to rescue my sister when she’d get in trouble, which usually involved a boyfriend. She barely graduated high school. But she did, and right about that time, mom started getting sick. No one knew what it was or if she would get better (it’s way to complicated to explain this whole illness). But fast forward 8 years, and mom passed away, after being REALLY sick and my dad was her caregiver for 5 years she was bedridden. It was a terrible time, and my sister became pregnant before mom died. So, mom got to see her granddaughter, which was a blessing, but my sister was left with nothing…her baby daddy had long since abandoned her. She was grief stricken. I was already married with two kids, solid financially, and I had a life outside my mother, but my sister lost her biggest life support, and my dad was just emotionally unavailable (or unwilling) to do anything more than the bare minimum of support.

It’s been a slow process, but my sister turned to alcohol to help medicate her through grief and anxiety. Her daughter had developmental delays and severe behavior issues. She switched schools many times to try to deal with her behaviors. My sister drank and slept when she wasn’t trying to hold down a job. She burned bridges within the family by fighting with anyone who crossed her, and showing up drunk at holidays. Child protective services got involved and started a case when her daughter was about 8. Not long after that, my dad gave my sister a chunk of money to “balance” the money that he had given me for various life events; my sister hooked up with a new baby daddy, became pregnant again, and blew the money within months. My dad could never forgive her for this, and basically wrote both of us out of his will, putting all his money in a trust fund for his grandchildren.

Things have just gotten worse and worse these past two years. The baby was doing well, but the dad ended up assaulting my sister (turns out he was an oxy addict, surprise surprise) and CPS was called back in. We helped my sister escape her living situation and she had enough money to get set up in an apartment. I thought she would rebound, but the stress of dealing with a special-needs child approaching puberty and a toddler was just too much. She lost her job, she got injured, and people started reporting her to CPS again.

So here we are, present day. The kids are here in town with a white-middle class family. My sister, when her baby was taken into custody, went into a fit of rage and ended up arrested. She gets released, goes crazy again, gets arrested again. This is her third stint in the last 6 months. Her crime is disturbing the peace and resisting arrest. She is never in possession of drugs or stolen goods. She calls me and writes letters about all the people who have wronged her. Some of the things she says are so disturbing. But sometimes she sounds perfectly normal. My dad has zero compassion; it’s all about her choices, in his eyes. I see it differently. I see the challenges she faces as a black woman. So I try to be an ally. I’m trying to deal with all the crap she left behind when she ran away from town and got arrested. I don’t want to cause her any more pain, but what she needs is a full-time support person, and I can’t be that. I love her as a family member, and because of our shared history, but I can’t even be in the same room with her. She’s almost 40 years old and my dad is 75. Fact is, at some point, I’m going to be the only family member left for my sister, and that terrifies me. I’m trying not to run from this situation – is anyone ever promised a perfect family? Hell no! I’m trying to stay present, but the thought of witnessing her life for the rest of MY life is giving me so much anxiety. Tonight she tried calling (from jail) three times, but each time I didn’t answer. I was tired from a long week, watching the baseball playoffs with my husband and son, and God help me, I just didn’t want to listen to what she had to say. I feel so terrible – I’m warm and cozy and she’s in JAIL. The least I could do is take her call, right? It’s possible that talking to me is the only thing that gives her a glimmer of hope. Maybe she’ll try again tomorrow, and maybe I’ll feel up to talking.

Well, sorry this is so long-winded. But it’s so complicated, it’s just been one horrible thing after another, basically a slow train wreck over 20 years. So much sadness, pain, abandonment, poverty, addiction, and rejection. Wow, 20 years…it just hit me, this isn’t just a temporary downturn for her – this is her LIFE forever. I am the last person who hasn’t rejected her (I didn’t even go into the toxic relationship between my sister and birth mom – wow, that went down in flames). Yes, even her birth mom has rejected her and think she’d be better off dead (this has been told to multiple people).

I guess I don’t even know what I’m asking for. Maybe just for someone to read this and say “wow, that sucks!” It’s not something I talk about to anyone other than my husband. If anyone has any thoughts about the situation, I’d love to hear them.

🙂 K