Dear Amy:

I like it that you are asking this particular question, not that I have the answer, but I like it that you are asking this question at this point. And of course, I would love to explore possibilities with you on how to achieve this.

I think that thinking about him has become a habit. The thinking about him in the physical reality of your brain means there are well worn neurological pathways that have his name on them. There are connections between nerve cells in your brain, well established, strengthened through practice, so you are inclined to think about him simply because you have been thinking about him for so long.

So, like any habit, this destructive to you habit needs to be broken. It is not going to be easy because habits are hard to break and this is a mental habit.

I have ideas but first, do you agree this is a mental habit, something that you do automatically at this point, inclined to do anytime whether you want to or not, often not? And if so, do you have ideas about how to break this mental habit?

anita

Dear Amy:

“A perpetual cycle that (you) need to break…” Reminds me of your one year of drinking, that was a perpetual cycle that you repeated every day for a year, from your share… how did you break that cycle? Might be answers there that may apply here.

Addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling etc… are all perpetual cycles that people are stuck in, feeling powerless over those behaviors, feeling the behaviors were stronger. And it doesn’t matter how destructive those behaviors…

And so is this cognitive addiction, or obsession with him and the situation. Maybe comparable to an addiction to food because unlike drugs, one has to eat. So unlike other obsessions, yours is about something you have to live with, so it is comparable to food addiction in my mind.

I know, I know that it is possible for you to break this cycle, it is just not easy. First I … appreciate how powerful this cycle or obsession/ addiction (what do you prefer to call it? I will refer to it by the word you choose!)- sort of know thy enemy, appreciate the power you are dealing with, knowing this is NOT an easy endeavor.

What do you think so far? If you agree, it will take time and we can go on and on figuring it out, trying this or that until we hit something that works. i am willing to go with this however long it takes!

anita

Dear Amy:

Good point. i see the difference between your mental habit (and I will call it “habit”) and addictions. In the first you think, think, think and in the others you engage in behaviors to attain the substance and abuse it. The second category of behaviors involve the thinking and the doing. Your mental habit is a lot of thinking and paralysis results, lots of energy expenditure for nothing, hence the chronic fatigue.

Wait… but the thinking about him, that habit, has a purpose: a part of you believes if you only think about it long enough and hard enough, you will come to a solution, only you haven’t come to a solution… but you keep thinking there is one. There is a purpose, however misguided, to all that thinking.

I am getting this image that… you took part of what is real outside of you, took it into your brain for the endless ongoing loop of analysis to the point where you lost touch with what is really… real outside of you.

For example, you took inside you the idea that this man is a very powerful entity in your life while in reality he is a middle aged, long damaged by alcohol abuse, man who is getting weaker and weaker by the day.

And you took into your head the idea that your child needs a mother and a father and that he… has to have a father while in reality, he doesn’t need that man as father and he needs his mother free of this habit that keeps her unavailable enough.

What do you think at this point…?

anita

Dear Amy:

I wish there was a way for you to have no contact with him but you are saying this is not possible, at least not at this point as you wait the results of the latest legal maneuvering. You are not going to stop thinking if you believe it is necessary. Maybe in the future, the legal activity will stop, there will be a break and no need to think about the next legal happening. For now, why don’t you… assign 10 minutes of thinking about the case every two hours, like clock work, or some such arrangement. It is necessary, you say, to think, so think… in moderation. You can even start with thinking about him and the case for 20 minutes straight every single hour and take a break 40 minutes every hour.

I understand your anger and frustration. Here comes my suggestion to Emotionally Accept him, you, the situation. Stop resisting what is reality, stop banging your head against the wall, figuratively, and crying out again and again: “This is not my life! This is not my life!” You end up with a bruised, bleeding head, a terrible headache and … it is still your life!

anita