Falling In Love With Someone Who Doesn't Love Me Back

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months, 1 week ago.

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    Hello, I’m very new to this but honestly just feel like pouring my heart out somewhere

    Let’s start where it all began. It was July of 2018 When I Meet C, I was working at my local mall as security. C would come frequently to visit the mall security office due to him working in Lost Prevention for one of the anchor stores and he was a previous employee of security. So I would frequently let him in the office and speak to him on the phone. When I first meet him I thought he was ugly, disgusting, weird you name it. After about five months of working there I left. Around late December into early January I matched with him on Bumble. At first I did it as a gag because I knew him from the mall. But as we started talking and getting to know each other I saw how we were so much alike. The way we wanted our career paths to go, our sense of humor, everything. At first we just got to know each other and we talked occasionally. But after awhile those occasional conversations turned into every day conversations, and more personal details were being divulged. I was becoming very close with him and him with me. I can still remember it like it was yesterday, we would send selfies of each other but in a puzzle forum so we would have to work for it. As five months go by were still talking everyday, but we were also talking sexually and sending pictures with each other. At the time due to me working nights and him working days we hardly ever got to see each other. But at this point I was crushing hard. I honestly could say I loved him. I knew everything about him. April 1st hits (My birthday) I was working an overnight shift and we planned on him coming to visit me at work. He texted me saying he was at bowling league and he’d be on his way. I waited. One hour went by, nothing. Two hours go by, nothing, After the third hour and several texts I said forget it. The next day he texted me. Something was different about the way he was talking, I knew something was up. He told me people at his work and people from the mall security were giving him “shit” for talking to me. Then proceeded to say he wasn’t comfortable talking to me anymore. That was it he wouldn’t reply to me or anything. He unadded me on snapchat. I went into a deep depression for about 3 months. But I sorta got out of my funk.

    Then in January he added me back and reached out to me. He said he was sorry for how he handled the situation. All those feelings I had before came back. But this time he had a girlfriend. So I agreed we’d just be friends. A week ago he told me they had broken up awhile ago due to her family not approving of him. So of course I was there for him. These last couple weeks we’ve been talking daily again. Three nights ago I ended up going to his apartment. It started with us just catching up and ended with us having sex. It was amazing. All those feelings came back all in one night. I found out last night he’s still with her. I’m completely devastated. I have no clue what I should do at this point. I confronted him in a group chat about it because he would’t respond to me directly. He was very angry. Blocked me, and deactivated all his social media. Do I tell his girlfriend? How should I handle this situation?


    Thank you.




    Dear Unique:

    I want to understand the situation better, therefore I ask regarding the beginning of the situation:

    You wrote: “When I first meet him I thought he was ugly, disgusting, weird you name it”-

    – what about him was ugly, disgusting and weird?

    – did you tell him then or at any time later that he was ugly, disgusting, weird (and you name it)?




    When I first meet him I didn’t find him attractive at all, and his loud behavior irritated me cause I could barley work. I told him when we first started talking that I thought those things back when I first meet him.



    Dear Unique:

    In July 2018 you worked as Security Officer in a mall and C worked as a Loss Prevention Officer in one of the anchor stores in the same mall, day shifts. You often saw him and spoke to him on the phone. This is what you thought of him: “I thought he was ugly, disgusting, weird, you name it“.

    I asked you what you mean by ugly, disgusting, weird and you-name-it and you answered that you “didn’t find him attractive at all, and his loud behavior irritated me cause I could barely work”-

    – I understand that his loud behavior turned you off, it would have turned me off too. But I want to look at the “ugly, disgusting, weird, you name it” part that has to do with him not being physically attractive: it could be things like.. maybe a gap in between his front teeth.. maybe he was too short..  or his shoulders narrow.. or his nose too long or wide or crooked.. maybe he walked with a bit of a limp.. maybe his eyebrows were too close together.. things like that.

    Why think of these and/ or other physical body features which he didn’t choose, imperfections perhaps as ugly, disgusting and weird? I mean, you are imperfect too. Try to be more tolerant and gentle in your thoughts regarding your own physical features and others’. Don’t be quick to judge and crucify people because of how they look.

    By January 2019, you left your job at the mall and found a job elsewhere, working the nightshift. You were on Bumble and came across him there and matched with him, first as a gag, a prank, a joke because you still thought he was ugly, disgusting, weird, and you name it. And soon enough, when you first started talking, you told him that you thought that he was ugly, disgusting, weird and you name it.

    When you told him that he didn’t like it. Who would like hearing such things. I wouldn’t, you wouldn’t, he didn’t.

    You then talked for five months, at one time every day, shared personal details, got to know him, and you were “becoming very close” with each other, sent selfies of each other, there was some sexual talk and pictures and you were “crushing hard”.

    All through this he remembers what you told him. It was nothing much for you to say it to him, but it was something for him to hear it. And the words remained in his mind, replaying from time to time. He probably didn’t tell you that it bothered him, it is not manly, many men believe, to express hurt.

    April 1, your birthday, you worked an overnight shift and the plan was that he will  visit you at work (throughout the months of talking you saw each other rarely because he worked the day shift and you worked the night shift). He never showed up. The next day he told you that he “wasn’t comfortable talking to” you anymore because people at his work are giving him a hard time for talking to you.

    And you “went into a deep depression for about 3 months”.

    January 2020 he reached out to you, said he was sorry and “All those feelings” you had before came back. And he told you that he had a girlfriend. A week ago he told you that they broke up because her family didn’t approve of him, the two of you talked daily.

    Four nights ago, you went to his apartment and ended up having sex. “it was amazing. All those feelings came back all in one night”. Two nights ago you found out that he is still in a relationship with his girlfriend, and you were “completely devastated”. You tried to talk to him but he didn’t respond, so you confronted him in a group chat and he blocked you and deactivated all his social media.

    “Do I tell his girlfriend? How should I handle this situation?”-

    My answer: don’t tell his girlfriend and don’t try to reach him anymore. If he ever reaches out to you in the future apologize to him for telling him that he was ugly, disgusting, weird and you name it. Tell him you were rude to him, that you were ignorant to judge him for his physical imperfections while you yourself are physically imperfect, while everyone you know is imperfect. Tell him that you will try to not think this way about people, to be less judgmental about the way they look. Tell him that it is not fair to judge people and shame people for how they look.

    I understand that you are in pain, you fell in love with him and he will have nothing to do with you, it hurts especially because you finally had sex with him and it was amazing. But sometimes we suffer the consequences of what we do wrong, and this is one of these times. I think he was hurt about what you told him back in the beginning of 2019 and angry. He put aside his anger some of the time but it came up once in a while.

    I hope you learn from this experience. If you do learn, you will not make the same mistake again and you will find yourself in the future in a loving, amazing relationship with .. an imperfectly looking man.


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