Hi Calm Moon

I’m sorry to hear that you had a difficult childhood with your parents being in an abusive relationship and a family friend tried to abuse you. That’s horrible to go through.

I’m glad that you got therapy and it helped you to recover from your trauma.

You’re clearly a very strong person and you’ve done a lot of work on yourself already.

I think that focusing on building your own life is a good idea. You deserve to have a life and not to put things on hold for your family forever.

I imagine that it is difficult to step back from your mother’s feelings because it is a lifelong habit for you. You have always comforted her? Is this correct?

The difficulty is that you cannot save someone from the struggles that they keep choosing for themselves. All you can really do is focus on taking care of yourself and hope that your family are inspired by that and do the same for themselves. Honestly, these things can rub off.

The less you help people out, the more they will learn to develop and rely on their own resources.

You have done a great job taking care of everyone else. Now it is your turn and it isn’t selfish to do that because everyone’s responsibility is to take care of themselves.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Calm Moon:

You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“I feel so drained after family holidays, for example. Because I do so many things to make everyone comfortable that I never sit to breathe. I remember that during university holidays, I came back to studies all exhausted and looking desperate instead of feeling energized after a break. My best friend noticed that and asked whether everything was ok at home. Because I looked really tired and miserable”-

– Isn’t it interesting that your best friend noticed and cared to tell you that you looked tired and miserable, but your family members didn’t notice? It’s a significant and telling contrast.

Seems to me that your family members are so used to you taking on responsibilities and handling things, doing so many things to make everyone comfortable during holidays, never sitting to breathe, that they’ve normalized your stress and exhaustion, seeing it as part of the usual-you.

Also, they may be so preoccupied with their own needs and problems, that they have little to no room to notice or address your struggles. Their focus on themselves makes them less aware of you.

They may see you as the strong caretaker (the leader) who can handle anything, leading them to overlook your need for support and rest. Some family members might be emotionally blind, lacking the emotional awareness or sensitivity to recognize signs of distress in others.

“I guess. I am half introverted and half extroverted. I always thought that because of my introverted side I always wanted to stay alone and not speak. But now I think that’s because unconsciously I felt that it drains my energy”- it’s the energy drain from constant caregiving that makes you seek isolation

I asked you earlier: “By saying that they are supportive, you mean that they thank you for helping them, praising you, saying that they wish good things for you, anything like that?”, and you answered: “Yes, you described how it really is. Also, now I remember how they made comments after celebrating my birthday. After a few days passed, they said that because of my birthday they spent some money, and they were irritated because of that. It hurt me deeply”-

– When you said earlier that your family is supportive, you meant that they thank you for helping and offer praise. These expressions of gratitude are nice, but they do not address your deeper emotional and practical needs. Their verbal praise does not translate into meaningful actions that actually help reduce the load you’ve been carrying.

Genuine emotional support goes beyond praise and would include actively listening to your concerns, offering advice, and being there for you during tough times. Genuine support involves recognizing your needs and actively working to meet them.

Your family’s expressions of thanks and praise are superficial because they don’t result in actual changes that make your life easier. While these words might provide temporary emotional relief, they don’t address the root issues or reduce your responsibilities. Genuine support would involve concrete actions that lighten your load, such as helping with tasks (even if you initially reject their offers to help), providing emotional comfort, and respecting your boundaries (even if you don’t respect those yourself).

Despite the verbal praise, you still carry the same burdens without any real assistance or relief.

After celebrating your birthday, your family made comments about the money they spent, expressing irritation. This reaction suggests a lack of genuine appreciation and support. The irritation expressed by your family hurt you deeply. Your reaction shows that their comments had a significant emotional impact, making you feel unappreciated and burdened.

“What’s strange is they would never do that to their spouses, children, etc.”- this discrepancy in treatment highlights a lack of fairness and recognition of your efforts. The reason is in the principle of Scarcity in social psychology:

The principle of scarcity suggests that people tend to value and notice things that are rare or limited more than those that are abundant or always available. When applied to social interactions and help, this means that when someone frequently offers help, it becomes taken for granted, while occasional help from others stands out and is more appreciated.

Because you have been consistently helpful over many years, your family has become accustomed to your assistance. Your help has become a background constant (like background noise), an expected part of the family dynamic. Over time, the constant availability of your help led to it being taken for granted (from one point on, a person does not notice background noise), they see it as a given.

When your family members, who typically do not contribute as much, offer help or make an effort, it stands out more (like a new sound that wasn’t there before, it is noticeable). The help from others is seen as more valuable because it is less frequent, whereas your constant support is less valued because it is always there. The constant burden without adequate recognition or support contributes to your emotional exhaustion and frustration.

“Sometimes I just want to live in a very remote place and enjoy only my company”- this indicates a strong need to escape from the overwhelming responsibilities and emotional burdens you have been carrying.

“Also, I do not believe that there are men out there who can be stronger than me. I sense how most of them could not provide the emotional support I need, and I will just burden myself with another person”-

– This reflects a deep-seated belief in your own self-reliance and strength which developed from your role as a caretaker. Over time, you adapted to being the emotional and practical backbone of your family. This adaptation required you to develop a strong sense of self-sufficiency, as you couldn’t depend on others for support. As a result, you find it challenging to trust others to provide the emotional support you need.

You fear that entering into a relationship would mean burdening yourself with another person’s needs. This perception is rooted in your experiences of always being the caretaker, leading you to believe that you would end up taking on additional responsibilities in a relationship.

Your identity as a caretaker and leader has contributed to your belief that you are stronger than others, and that others are not strong enough to support you.

“I don’t know how to break those beliefs.”-seeing reality more as it-is than how we prefer to see it is a starting point to meaningful, significant change. I will share a bit about my own experience with my mother as an example:

My mother expressed SO MUCH misery (telling me about her miserable life at length, crying, expressing suicidal ideation, etc.) that I figured- in my young child mind- that I am (or must be) her Rescuer (sounds familiar?). I set myself aside and my focus was: my mother. All I cared about was that she’d be okay. I was deathly afraid that she’d kill herself.

So far, the above, was indeed reality as-is (as it was): she really was miserable.

Here is where I didn’t see reality as-is: I mistakenly thought (part of me thought) that she loved me, as in valuing me as something or someone of value. So, in my mind, I thought that it is possible for me to help her, or for her to be helped by me. Therefore, I kept trying and trying, way into adulthood.

It helped me to finally see reality as-is: as much as I wished she valued me, she didn’t, and therefore, even if it was possible for her to be helped by someone, it couldn’t have been me, because to be helped, a person has to value the helper. When I realized this, I stopped trying to help her, I stopped my Focus on her. At that point, I was able to turn my focus to myself (that was a long process because my emotions were repressed and suppressed and I felt guilty, etc.).

And until recently, I didn’t even know what it meant to value myself. Valuing myself is no longer attached to my role as My Mother’s Rescuer (a role I failed at, a role that was impossible for me to be successful at). Valuing myself is.. difficult for me to explain. Maybe next time.

anita