August 28, 2016 at 10:02 pm #113571
Hello, I have not really been talking to my father for a couple of years since one Christmas his new wife verbally attacked myself and family. It is a blended family with her kids and his. Since then I have been distant as he did not defend myself or family from her just sat there and let it happen. I am not to call him at the house if she is there, cannot email and had to see him in a secret location for Christmas (in November) as I am not welcome. My sister is going to see him soon (and its fathers day and his birthday) I am torn whether to see him with her or just let it go. His wife will be away. In one way it feels odd to see him with her not there like I'm sneaking around her place without her and I am not welcome there is she is there. He makes no effect to contact me (other than email) he does not call his granddaughter for birthday etc. Why am I so confused if to see him with my sister..loyalty to sister… guilt…. Any words of advice….August 28, 2016 at 11:38 pm #113578
Firstly, it's not your fault.
Secondly, your father should of stood up for you when you were insulted, along with your family. Because he didn't, to me, it indicates that he really doesn't think much of you. This is a sad fact that he is unwilling to defend his own flesh and blood. He evidently isn't making an effort to stay in contact, which also demonstrates that he doesn't care about you, or he doesn't care about you enough to contact you just to say hi. Your father is so scared of this woman, that he would rather keep his meetings with you as a secret shows that he will put this woman before you. Has your father always been like this? Were you close to your father before this woman came into your life?
All I can say is to look after YOUR family, your kids and life. It's sad that your father has chosen this new family over his old one, but it will be better for you in the long run to move forward and focus on your life, and the people in your life who deserve your love and affection. Maybe one day your father will realise that he has missed out on watching his granddaughter grow up, has missed being apart of your life and family. It will be his fault, and always will be. Believe that one day things may turn out differently, just stop believing that it will be today.
I hope this brings some closure,
MAttyAugust 29, 2016 at 3:51 pm #113673
If you wish to continue to communicate with your father via email, do so. But why go visit where you are not welcome?
You mentioned loyalty to your sister, that is an obligation you feel for her, to accompany her: why do you owe her such a thing?
anitaAugust 29, 2016 at 11:01 pm #113702
I have another perspective. As you present your step-mother she may be crazy. It is an act of kindness not to make her more afraid or to make others suffer more. This calls for deep compassion and wisdom on your part.
You can do what you want to make things the best they can be.
Consider the four Noble Truths:
suffering, no body gets everything they want
clinging to suffering, is the cause of suffering, impermanent things and situations will never be all we want them to be
cessation of suffering, there is a way out of this (to step by step improve this into set and settings helpful to everyone)
the path to cessation is 8-fold, your responsibility, no one else's
There is only one birth father in your life, one birth sister, one birth mother, one step mother, step-siblings. You can create imaginary substitutes, but this Dukkha will not change.
Ultimately you must refine yourself so beautifully and thoroughly in your thoughts and actions you little by little turn this into
an experience of deepening compassion and wisdom.
Polish the Diamond.
You must show up.
5 minutes here, 10 minutes there, cameo appearances of your very best 8-fold offerings, may ultimately grow into hours of, meaningful sharing, especially in the unseen and within your inner being. Take your opportunities and slowly co-create Grace.
It will be very painful at first, but not more so than banishment,
or festering feelings which will increase problems for you, and ultimately your children too, and your husband, sister…
The path takes strength…Nurture yourself…Breath in and relax…Know your limits, expand. Nurture and Integrate…Keeping Showing Up
Respectfully, SteveNovember 30, 2016 at 3:04 am #121564
Yeah don't go and visit your father.