I started seeing someone (we’re both mid-20s) I’ve known as an acquaintance for a while. I’m at a loss whether or not to continue dating this him for several reasons. The original one that I ignored was the fact that he will be moving away for his PhD in few months. I had a crush on him for a few months before we started spending more one on one time together and suspected he did too. Embodying the “no regrets” philosophy decided the moving thing didn’t matter right away and I wanted to see where it would go, so that’s where I am now. We’ve been dating for a month now.

I like him as a person– we connect intellectually and he is a very well respected and liked for being genuine and caring. He’s extremely sweet and doesn’t play games. I admit I don’t play games but I feel like I hold myself back a little bit with the texting and inviting him out, but whenever I do it it’s always well received. He wants to take things slow and so far we mostly have been, which is a newer pace for me. We currently see each other about twice a week as we have a lot of schedule conflicts and text every day though not a crazy amount. My last two relationships started way fast with us spending tons of time together. One fizzled out just as rapidly while the other (a recent divorcee with baggage that I dated for 1.25 years) gradually pulled away more and more and I became a total clinger. We started experiencing the typical anxious-avoidant dance (very relevant to my current concern.) I realized that while I’m very content and independent while single, I have some major anxiety problems in relationships at first or when I can sense someone pulling away (anxious preoccupied attachment style.)

Anyway, this guy recently revealed to me that his last relationship was around 6 years long and pretty much all long distance while they were in school and broke up a few times during that period. A little over a year ago she moved to another city for a job with the understanding that he would stay in this city and finish up the next big season for the sport he does semi-professionally and then move to join her. Over time he realized more and more that he was uncomfortable with that decision– he wanted to pursue a new career path that would be tough for him to choose his location on his own, then later realized he wanted to go to school to become a professor, with similar relocation issues. He seemed to imply that he felt like being in a relationship was holding him back from pursuing some things. So he told her he didn’t want to move to her city anymore. He mentioned considering long distance again since they were so used to that already, but for some reason they broke up. She actually called him on one of our dates the other week for the first time since they broke up (he didn’t answer) and he told me he called back the next day that she was still upset about it and that it was sad but he didn’t think she would still be mad. He said he was happy with his choice and was happy doing what he was doing.

Considering my last relationship ended less than 5 months ago with similar expressions of “I need to be single to find my potential” (though he started seeing someone 5 weeks later) and hints of the fact that I was somehow holding my ex back from achieving his goals (???? I wholeheartedly supported him and encouraged him to pursue them), I am extremely wary of dating anyone who I perceive doing that to me again. This new guy also brought up the fact that he’s now very sensitive to people trying to control his pursuits (when I asked who, he specifically brought up his parents).

I am now wondering did they simply grow apart and he wanted to see what else is out there in life (pretty common for people our age who were with their partner for so long)? Is this is a matter of independence or commitment fear/avoidant attachment style which are NOT the same thing I believe. Two independent people can still have a loving, close relationship in which the two help each other pursue each other’s goals and communicate and compromise. He admits he should have communicated his doubts with her sooner before he made his decision but didn’t and admitted that he was being selfish. I don’t know how easy it was for him to decide to end the relationship for his personal goals, but all I know is I see myself in her position and feeling very hurt and betrayed.

In addition to all that, I started feeling a ton of anxiety yesterday before I met up with him and I’m not entirely sure why, but I think I still have this deep-seated fear that once someone starts to get to know me they will realize they won’t like what they see and then leave me (source of all my relationship anxiety.) I’ve been working on it a lot but now that I’m back dating again I have to really face it as we have started getting a little closer and I’m getting a little more attached. One of the most important things I’ve read that I need to do as an anxiously attached individual is to find someone who is secure (ie. NOT avoidant) so I’m being very cautious here… It’s also said that people who are avoidant are very comfortable with LDR since they don’t have to deal with that closeness. He also once expressed his slight distaste for a mutual friend because of how controlling/clingy the friend was with his wife (it was controlling, but I could tell he felt very strongly about it.)

I’m trying to learn to not repeat patterns of the past and all I know is that the 4 months I was single I was pretty darn happy minus the hurt of the breakup. I don’t want to get attached to someone who’s at high risk of being avoidant and keeping me at arms length so I’m being extra cautious here. I can’t not get attached if we’re going to keep dating…

• This topic was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by B.
• This topic was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by B.
• This topic was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by B.
• This topic was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by B.