humour,

If it’s just a general concern, then I’m not sure I’m the best person to offer advice on dealing with obsessive thoughts and fears – I too suffer from this condition. I have a feeling you’re going to get much more helpful advice from Anita, but I did want to comment on your response – and thank you for responding.

I realize, as do you, as do we all, that eventually your parents are going to die. We all do. The reason I asked the questions I did was to ascertain how real your fears are.

From my own experience, I sometimes find myself playing a fear over and over in my head, and I’m so consumed with worry about HOW I’ll deal with it I don’t stop to logically look at whether or not it is unfounded or based in some reality.

I used to have a terrible fear of what would happen if I drove off the road into a lake with both of my kids in the back seat. How would I get them both unbuckled from their car seats and escape the car before we all drowned? I would have dreams along those lines. I would wake in distress and the dream would stay with me for days.

When I told my husband, he asked, “So, how many lakes do you drive past in an average day?” His question stopped me cold. NONE. So why on earth was this fear so all-consuming when it was ridiculously implausible? I came to realize it represented something else, maybe feeling overwhelmed or not in control of my life. Who knows, but as soon as I applied a little logic, it was a lot easier to push it away when it surfaced.

That is to say, I was more easily able to banish the obsessive thoughts from my head. That didn’t change the fact I was still completely overwhelmed and as a result, that issue just ended up resurfacing in some other form later.

If your fear of losing your parents is just that, genuine fear of being without them, then it is not such an unfounded fear. It will eventually happen and there isn’t much you can do about it except to live every day between now and then. None of us can know what tomorrow will bring. I lost my father when I was 23 and he was 59. It was sudden and came much sooner in life than I ever expected it would. If I’d had time to worry about it in advance, I don’t know if it would have changed anything. There was nothing I could have done to stop it. It was his time.

So, I guess I’d begin by looking hard at the reason behind your fears, applying a couple logic “litmus tests” and see if you can determine what is driving them to reoccur for you. That may help you find the key to master them. Hugs to you. ☺

Dear humour:

We are all in this together: we are all aging and we will all die. Everyone knows that, right? Do we all really know that? Or do we pretend we will live forever and death, when it happens to others surprises us, as if it is exceptional and therefore a terrible thing?

It is something else, to come to terms with death and the approach there. Although there is a 100% that your parents will die, there are 10 possibilities of the order it will happen for you, your mother and your father. Out of those 10 possibilities, only in five will you be in the situation of living without your mother, your father or both. Did you think of that?

We don’t know who is next.

And this is the reality of it: who is next? Who reading these very words I am typing here, who is next?

And there is nothing we can do about it all other than increase the statistical chances of living longer by taking care of our health, being mindful so to minimize accidents, not abusing others so to not increase their chances of dying sooner than later (through illness, accidents, bad choices).

There is nothing we can do. Try to relax into this reality.

anita

* Dear Vesper: You are so humble, writing that I am more likely to give helpful advice than you, but I don’t think so. You have much to offer that I am not capable of offering, and you have already, here on this thread and elsewhere, offered it so generously and kindly. Your input is very valuable and may very well be very helpful while mine is not at all, possibly here on this thread!

Dear humour:

Thank you, and you have a nice day too! I agree: it helps a lot to be practical, to fit our emotions to reality. Reality is often unpleasant but it is better for our mental health to relax into it than to resist it.

anita

* Dear Vesper: I’ve been looking forward to a thread from you ever since I read your story on that thread. Still looking forward to one and Happy Friday to you too!
anita

Dear humour:

You are welcome. Anytime.
anita