Dear LJS_85:

Often lonely, depressed people think everyone else is happy. I read it again and again. Often enough, it is not so, but I digress.

Clearly from your post, you are very interested in a relationship with a man. It is natural and I think you should pursue it. Did you try online dating?

Lots of people are put off by online dating but if you do the online dating effectively, it can work for you very well. The reason I think it is a good idea for you at this point is that you are tired (your last line). And so, developing friendships with a group of people in the hope for finding a boyfriend is too long of a process for a tired person. Online dating is fast and it makes a great number of men available for you to meet (not intimately of course, but to get to know in coffee shop, daytime kind of meetings).

Let me know what you think of my suggestion. If you are interested I will share with you what I believe is an effective way to go about it.

anita

Hi LJS_85,

I often struggle with giving advice on forums like this because you don’t really know me and I don’t truly know you. But I guess if we asked Lori she’d say that’s why she created Tiny-Buddha… to connect people. To help. So I hope my input will help you, because I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. We all do. So here goes…

First of all, you need to know you’re normal. Self-deprecation for a laugh in conversation is normal. Looking for validation and questioning your value when all your friends have someone to be with and you don’t…normal. Being anxious to go home to an empty house and nothing to do…normal. All that’s said, getting out of this funk is going to take some work and I can only suggest what helps me get out of this kind of rut.

I had a horrible habit of self-deprecating (making fun of myself) in a lot of my writing until quite recently. I handed in a long paper I was fairly proud of one day and my professor sent it back with a giant D. When I inquired about what I believed was an inadequate evaluation of the work I had provided, he just said “You can’t convince someone to take your advice if you are suggesting your advice isn’t worth anything in the same breath. You need to stop self-deprecating.” You see, in this paper I was supposed to portray a professional consultant giving advice to prospective executive types, and while my technical advice was spot, the verbiage I used to ingratiate myself to my audience (executives) was horrific. I might as well have said “You executives should should make this decision here…but don’t take my word for it, because I suck.”

So I was given the opportunity to rewrite the paper, but more so (because I wanted that “A” pretty badly) it opened my eyes to all the other places (writing, conversation, etc…) I had been doing it. So I asked myself why…and I did not like the answer I got…at all. It was because I truly believed it. I believed I wasn’t worth giving consulting advice. Or worth loving. Or worth anything at all. That my contribution to the world would always be less than that of other people. I had such a low opinion of my own self-worth that when my daughter was born I would cry when I thought about how horrible of a father I would be, and that perhaps she’ll be better off if I didn’t exist anymore. Yeah…it was bad. And I’m not going to lie, it comes back on occasion. This brings me to how I cope with it…and I think you know where I’m going with this.

You need to love yourself.

Having a cheerleader (spouse, boyfriend, friend) yeah it’s nice, but you need to love you. Be your own cheerleader. Yes I know this is a little cliche and difficult/impossible to do in certain frames of mind, but this is the only way I’ve found to get the validation I need sometimes. Unfortunately often. What research I’ve done suggests this kind of thing comes from not getting much emotional validation as a child, causing people to crave validation from others as an adult …but I digress.

This is my sure-fire way to be your own cheerleader…

#1) Stop the self-deprecation – This may take a while to truly stop if you’ve been doing it for a while (did for me). Maybe get a friend to help you notice when you’re doing it and ask them to call you on it.

#2) Do what you like/love to do. At the very least it’ll give you something to do on the weekends at home and at most it might even introduce you to someone that likes the same thing. This will build -=CONFIDENCE=-, which is your dating ammo.

#3) Try to realize that you cannot rely on other people for your validation needs. You are a valuable human being with desires and dreams and worth just as much as all the other people in the world. I believe it. For you to believing that may take some time.

Regarding relationships: I think you know this already, but having a smoking bod is like painting a sign. It’ll get people in the door but you’ll still have to sell the product on that sign. In my experience, Confidence is one of the most if not the most attractive characteristic of a person (dare I say, the sexiest). If you are confident in yourself and what you are worth you will get many more 2nd dates. The catch is that you have to get comfortable with #1 & #2 & #3 above to get there and it won’t be overnight.

I know you feel like there’s no hope. Be certain that there is. Your anxieties are normal and you are worth more than anyone else can tell you. The trick is to stop asking them.

~ P