I don’t even know where to begin, sorry it’s so long. I guess I feel like everything I’ve suppressed from the past has finally caught up to me all at once. I’m a college freshman at a school I didn’t want to go to. I only came here because my mom was an alumni and would not stop pushing me to go here. I wanted to go to nursing school for my BSN but both my parents told me I wouldn’t be successful at that and it was a waste of money. I stupidly listened to them and am all set to transfer to the nursing school I was originally planning on attending. But currently I’m putting myself in debt to be miserable and feel guilty that my dad has to work so hard to help put me through a school I hate even if it’s only for a semester. As for what I dislike about the school, it would be the coursework, professors, food, dorms, and the whole party atmosphere. I know no college is perfect but I feel like I don’t fit in. I look around and see groups of people all hanging out and having a good time and then there’s me whose only friend is my roommate. I’m an introvert and in the past it’s been hard for me to put myself out there but I felt like college was a new start so I left my dorm room door open, introduced myself to the girls on my floor, tried to hang out and talk to people at all the orientation stuff the first weekend they had and even went up on stage to be hypnotized in front of my entire class, something I would never normally do. Yet here I sit alone in my dorm. I’ve lost touch with a lot of my friends I did have back home except for like 2. So now when I’m home on breaks I don’t even have people to talk to. I think the tipping point of everything for me today was that this weekend I saw some guy I had something with previously and still really liked and cared about. We hadn’t lost touch just hadn’t seen each other in person for about a month. Everything was perfect when we left for school but when I saw him he was just really quiet and off. As the night went on we just hung out in his room laying next to each other for hours watching netflix. At one point he fell asleep cuddling with me but thats it. When I left he said to stay in contact and that he’d try to come visit me at school before the end of october, hopefully for my show I have. The way he looks at me still says he likes me but his actions didn’t really show it. As dumb as it sounds, this guy was the last thing I truly had to look forward to and now he’s gone. I think the longest I’ve gone without crying since I started here in August is like 3 days. I haven’t felt true happiness this entire time. I’m trying to have a positive outlook but to look around and see how happy everyone else is and know that I’ve actually really tried for once to step outside my comfort zone to make friends and it still didn’t pay off makes me feel worthless. I’ve never been lucky with relationships or friendships and I just feel like no matter what I do everyone is going to leave me and that I’ll never have those close bonds with anyone. I’m sick of crying and being unhappy all the time, but it’s just one thing after the other and I don’t even know what to do or think anymore. I guess I posted this to kind of get it all of my chest and see if anyone has been through something similar and can offer any advice.