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Feel ignored on Mother's Day

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  • #56143
    Sherry
    Participant

    Hello everyone, I’m new to site I ve been reading tiny Buddha for awhile but now I feel it’s time to reach out for a little advice since I’m having some bitterness w my bf.
    A little bit about us; I’m 25 divorced & 2 girls from previous marriage. He’s 34 1 girl from previous relationship.
    We ve been together 3yrs & we live together. We’ve had ups & downs but always together and very close.
    I am very upset and hurt that he did not give me anything or said anything on Mother’s Day which was yesterday. He also didn’t give me anything for valentines I did get him something and also for his bday in march. But It really hurts my feelings, makes me feel like I’m not worth buying something for. And I told him i think we should take Alexis (my stepdaughter) to buy something for her mom well he did but that’s it. I don’t want something from him but i was expecting him taking the kids somewhere to buy me something since they re 6,5 & 4 n they can’t do it by themselves.
    I’ve tried to talk myself out of being upset but I’m hurt that he never buys me a card, flowers something

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Sherry.
    #56145
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sherry,

    You have to train these guys. There are four ways.

    1. Your best girl friend and/or her husband calls him on his cell and says, “We have to do something for Sherry/the girls for Valentines Day/Mother’s Day!” Social Pressure. Win.

    2. Cry. “I can’t believe you forgot Valentines/Mother’s Day AGAIN!” Then go into a depression for three days.

    3. The day before plan to visit your mother, his mother, the ex, any mother. Go to a Sunday church service (their Mother’s Day service, usually a full house). Say, “I expect coffee in bed”. When your kids run to you while in bed say, “It’s Mother’s Day”. Young as they are, they will panic and produce a card. Or, just don’t get out of bed. Be waited on, or at least don’t do anything. Do this with Valentines too.

    4. The elementary schools usually do *something* in honor of these days. Have your kids ask dad, “What are we doing for Mom for Valentines/Mothers Day.

    #56146
    Inky
    Participant

    Another Thing:

    It will all boil down to what YOU do to acknowledge those days. Say, “If you don’t plan something, I will.” I know you want it all to inherently come from him. I totally get that. I’ve been there, believe me!! (see #2, above).

    Circling the holiday on red in on the family calendar, and merely asking, “What are we doing for Valentine’s/Mother’s Day?” will at the very least plant the seed in his mind.

    Or have another guy say, “DUDE! You have to do SOMETHING!!”

    #56147
    Matt
    Participant

    Sherry,

    I disagree with inkrid’s approach, seems manipulative, which is a short term patch for a long term issue. Does he know about your feelings about valentine’s day and mother’s day? Sometimes women feel their feelings are invalid, and fear sharing them. This leads to a build up of pressure that festers into resentment. Often, men would do anything to see their loved one happy, but don’t like feeling forced into behaving. Consider approaching it like a puzzle. “When you didn’t do anything for me on v-day or mother’s day, it felt icky for me. I like feeling loved and tenderly attended, and your non-action left me feeling unloved. What is it like on your side?”

    Said differently, come to the plate, offer him your side, and open gently to his. Do you know why he didn’t do anything? Is he rebellious to “hallmark holidays”? Does he offer you tender attentions in other ways?

    This may be a symptom of poor communication of feelings and thoughts in your relationship. Its foolish to expect him to be psychic or just “get your needs” if you don’t express them before they are full of pressure and anger. Said differently, consider a heart to heart, it’ll be good for you both in the long run. If he needs some motivation, you can always tell him that a properly tended woman often feels safe to be much more expressive with her passion. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #56149
    Sherry
    Participant

    My step daughter is the only one that goes to school & she came home w a craft & a cake. She said it was for me which i was surprised since I expected her to give it to her mom.
    We texted this morning, i had told him yesterday he hurt my feeling bcuz i was expecting something for Mother’s Day. He didn’t say anything he gave me a weird look. Today I text him that I didn’t mean to b short w him this morning and last night but my feelings were hurt. He tells me that after our last minute plans (joining his parents at a festival) on Saturday he had to change his plans. He said him cooking breakfast lunch n supper was his Mother’s Day and the kids made some drawings for me. Maybe it was but that’s not something unusual at my house. I have a full time job n go to school full time so him doing that is pretty common but maybe I was so focussed on flowers n a gift i overlooked what was going on I feel so bad and guilty now. I feel selfish, I was expecting flowers n gifts and didn’t get it so I put myself in a bad mood. And ignored what they were doing. When I’m in a bad mood they just give me space and leave me alone, which is what they did but that made me feel ignored.Matt like you said poor communication

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Sherry.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Sherry.
    #56152
    Sherry
    Participant

    Also Since he never said happy Mother’s Day only the kids did i thought he didn’t remember.
    I assumed he knew my feelings about certain holidays since every yr I get something.
    But I think a heart to heart talk is well needed Matt

    #56156
    Inky
    Participant

    I know my approach seems manipulative, but it really isn’t. That’s how we teach children politeness. “You should do this/People do that/Don’t forget to..”

    Just tell him and lead him to what you want. Eventually it will be innate in his nature.

    #56157
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Sherry, i think one needs a bit of nudging and sometimes plain talk without the blaming, accusing emotionally charged tone. It depends on the situation. Sometimes the way it is communicated can also make a huge difference. Remember that no person wants to feel like they’re screwing up – keeping this in mind, make sure you never approach them when your emotions are talking way more than your sense of reason. Sometimes we feel so hurt that our judgement about the other person’s side of the story gets blurred. If we approach them then in pure anger, we will leave with regret.. So dont hold back your feelings, communicate them at the right time in a moderated way.

    #56160
    louise
    Participant

    Sounds like you are jeolous and he sees it. He is not giving into it.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by louise.
    #56165
    Matt
    Participant

    Inkrid,

    Reads like a fish, smells like a fish, swims like a fish, but really isn’t? Consider, there is nothing manipulative about attempting to help our partners learn to give to us skillfully, such as “my shoulders feel better when you rub them this way” or “my heart feels light and well tended when you buy me flowers” and so forth. The manipulative aspect is in getting others to hint and speak for us, failing to be direct and honest about our needs, and so on and so forth. Consider your list is missing the kissing. Such as “talk to him directly about what you want.” Call your friends? Tell the children? Cry? Don’t intentionally wield energy in such ways, it leads to isolation and resentment. Apple seeds grow apple trees. Instead, be direct and courageous in love, and love will grow directly and passionately. IMHO. Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #56166
    Matt
    Participant

    Sherry,

    That makes sense. Unspoken hopes/expectations often collapse into resentment. Don’t be hard on yourself, understanding our needs and learning to be skillful in love can be tough! And you caught the real rub right away! Namaste!

    In not getting the gifts you planned on receiving, you overlooked the gifts you got… which were so much better than some flowers or a trinket. Your stepdaughter gave those to you. My goodness, how beautiful. You must love her well, and it reaches her heart… what grace, dear mother, thank you for tending the children in such a warm way.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #56232
    Martha
    Participant

    From someone that once got a blender for her wedding anniversary, I can tell you that crying, telling a friend to tell him, using the kids and such. Is manipulative and wont work in the long run. Communication, honest and forthright is the only way to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Playing games and manipulating a partner is wrong and will lead to the demise of the relationship.

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