One of the worst things that could happen to someone recently happened to me.  My 26-year-old son committed suicide by hanging himself.  It was 2 months ago.  Today, I was told that the police department is turning the case over to the homicide division.  Knowing that it’s possible that he didn’t do it himself, changes the pain somehow however,  not in intensity by any means.   That has been unbearable.  It has definitely changed me.

In the days following his death, the people in my life, lost their damn minds.  When they say “death brings out the worst in people” just believe that.  My older sister and her 2 grown daughters stole 1/3 of his ashes and scattered them in SF somewhere and if I wouldn’t have done the math, they would’ve never mentioned it to me.  I had my niece handle the cremation because I was not capable of handling anything at that time.  She was to divide the ashes into 4 urns and 4 pendants.  Thats how they did it .  They took it upon themselves to take some and then tried to keep to from me.   When I brought it to their attention and let them know that it upset me, they turned it into a warzone with screaming and name calling and now we will never speak again.  1 week after that happened, I opened the pendant that I was given with his ashes in it, to discover that it was empty!!!  I disowned them all.  It is unforgivable.

As if that wasn’t enough to deal with, my best friend of 5 years, changed into someone I didn’t recognize when he passed away.  She didn’t check in on me, wasn’t there for me, and wanted to party and dance.  She came at me telling me ” you’re not grieving right, and that I was wrong to try and get the police to look at it any other way but suicide.”  She went MIA and I was hunting so bad and she was no where to be found.  On the day of the viewing of my sons body… the last time I would ever get to touch him, or see him…. She had the nerve to tell me to STFU and then take a swing at me.  I was in a fist fight in  front of the funeral home 3 minutes after I walked my son to the oven to be cremated.  I also disowned her. ( and sent her to the ER)

I not only lost my son, I lost 4 other people that I thought loved me and that I cared for deeply.

Im alone now.

Everything has changed.

I feel numb.  I cant feel happiness, or sadness.  I don’t see the colors in the world, or hear the music, or feel anything at all.

I don’t know exactly what to do to feel again and honestly I don’t know that I want too.  Im stuck.

I don’t know what to do.  Therapy isn’t going to be an option because I have to work