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Feeling ashamed and being shamed of never having been in a relationship

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 54 total)
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  • #373243
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    What you wrote, looking her in the eyes and telling her those five sentences followed by a “Bye” (and then moving away from her) reads perfect to me!

    You expressed that it was easy for you to come up with what to tell her, but you expect to “kinda freeze” when you see her again, feeling afraid to say what you want to tell her. Here is what I suggest: practice saying these five sentences in front of a mirror, when alone. Practice the facial expressions/ body language and tone of voice that will go with the words. Practice many times until you feel comfortable about your performance. If you have a photo of her, tape it to the mirror and practice while looking at her image, particularly into her eyes.

    Then when you see her, like an actress in a play who did a lot of practice, deliver your best performance.

    anita

    #373244
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you! That is a great idea, to practice in front of a mirror. As we have established at the beginning of this thread, I’m not always aware of my facial expressions and body language. I will definitely do this.

    “Then when you see her, like an actress in a play who did a lot of practice, deliver your best performance.” – I like this description! I feel like doing this would help me with other frustrations as well. I often know how I want to react to something, but I end up reacting completely differently. Pretending to be an assertive badass might eventually lead to me being that way and not only pretending. ๐Ÿ™‚

    #373248
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    You are welcome.

    “I’m not always aware of my facial expressions and body language”- reading this led me to think that at a later time (and when you are absolutely sure that you are alone and that you cannot be seen or heard), you can tape a photo of an attractive young manย  on the mirror and practice talking to him, looking him in the eyes etc.

    But one thing at a time: before you practice being friendly and a bit flirtatious, practice being “an assertive badass” first, lol. And be patient with this kind of practice, don’t give up on it the moment if feels weird, or if you get discouraged, feeling like it is not working. I hope that you will let me know how your practice goes.

    anita

    #373249
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes, good idea! I imagine it will feel weird at first, but we are quarantined and I could use such a distraction. ๐Ÿ˜€ Plus, what do I have to lose. I feel like my flirting game can only go up from here, haha. But as you said, first I need to work on my assertiveness.

    I will definitely let you know how my practice works. I really appreciate you taking so much time to respond and give me advice. The mirror “experiment” might sound intimidating, but it also sounds fun to me. And that is what I need right now – to not take everything so seriously and just learn self-growth through practices like this.

    #373251
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation of me. I feel especially good reading your positive and experimental/ adventurous attitude toward the mirror exercises, and I am looking forward to read about it!

    anita

    #374978
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    I wonder how you are feeling, being it is almost a month since you last posted, wondering if you are practicing “to be an assertive badass”, as you put it Jan 21…

    anita

    #375027
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was meaning to write to you soon. ๐Ÿ™‚ Yes, I have made some progress! (at least I think I have) I am practicing comebacks to different scenarios and I think of words more quickly. I have also recently ended a friendship with someone I thought I could trust and they blindsided me with their wish to not interact with me anymore. The person is dealing with some issues and they always confided in me and wanted me to listen to them and I did. I also shared some of my problems with them and we bonded over both having anxiety. This person told me that they don’t want to talk to me anymore because talking about our problems gives them more anxiety. I was confused because they confided in me willingly and frequently asked for advice and started such conversations, but instead of lashing out and being angry, I recognized that this is for the best. Usually, I would obsess over this for months, even years maybe. But I was “over it” the next day because I cannot be friends with someone who wants me to listen to them all the time without being able to open up myself. I also analyzed what I could do better in the future and how I can become a better friend. Maybe I was not “badass” with this person (since I agreed to the end of the friendship), but I still feel badass because I let it go without obsessively blaming myself and telling myself that I am a bad person. I don’t need to convince this person that I am a worthy friend and this is a huge step forward for me. I was never able to do that before.

    #375029
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    It is good to receive your positive progress update: congratulations for successfully practicing comebacks to different scenarios, and for ending a one-sided friendship without lashing out at her or obsessing about it! You are indeed a good-badass kind of woman!

    anita

    #375098
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you! :))

    #375104
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Janet. Post again anytime you want to, on any topic.

    anita

    #375203
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you! ๐Ÿ™‚ I will.

    All the best,

    Janet

    #375834
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Janet?

    anita

    #376196
    Janet
    Participant

    Hi, Anita ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m sorry for the late reply. I’ve started a new job and I spend so much less time on the internet. I got a job in a completely different field, but I am so happy. I’m also proud of myself because I always doubt myself so much and I worry about not doing a good job, but there was a minimum of those feelings this time. I was a little scared of starting a new job, but I dove into it with much less doubt and fear than I would have before. I’m learning how to be more relaxed and less wired all the time. I do, however, still feel uneasy seeing all my ex-friends and people around me in relationships. I like being single, but words of pity from others still get to me. I’m 24 and no one has ever loved me in a romantic way and I can’t help but feel embarrassed.

    #376204
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    Good to read from you, and congratulations for having started a new job with less doubt and fear than before!

    “Iย  like being single, but words of pity from others still get to me.. I’m 24 and no one has ever loved me in a romantic way and I can’t help but feel embarrassed”- it is possible (?) that you don’t really want to be in a romantic relationship, that what you want is to not be embarrassed about not being in a relationship.

    Maybe because as a child, your father caused you and your mother fear, as an adult- you are afraid to be in a relationship with a man similar to your father and experience the same fear of your childhood, and therefore, you don’t want to be in a romantic relationship. Can it be?

    anita

    #376350
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “it is possible (?) that you donโ€™t really want to be inย a romantic relationship, that what you want is to notย be embarrassed about not being in a relationship” – This is very true. I feel like with relationships comes drama. I don’t really know any functional marriages or relationships in general. All my friends have had some kind of troubles in relationships: cheating, controlling behaviour, too much compromise on one side only, etc. I have just lost faith in a healthy relationship before I even started. Men that do approach me are strange, usually much older and very vulgar. I’m afraid I’ll attract a psychopath or someone who will create trouble if I want to leave them. My friend had two boyfriends who threatened to hurt themselves and her if she tries to leave and I am absolutely terrified of something like that happening to me. Others were cheated on and manipulated. I am also so disappointed with guys criticizing women so much and the lack of privacy in relationships. People spill the beans so to speak on everything, especially their sex lives. They criticize their partner’s body, they discuss what they do in the bedroom, etc. I don’t want my partner to talk to other people about our intimate life and about my body. I don’t want my future boyfriend to tell all his friends that I’ve been a virgin for so long.ย  I am a kind (I focus a lot on self-development), private person, and I don’t know why I keep attracting men who either low-key sexually harass me or are not my type in general. I can’t picture myself with someone who doesn’t care about self-growth and is etitled and controlling. I’m know I’m not perfect and I am not expecting to get a perfect boyfriend, but I do want one that is respectful and interested in self-development.

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 54 total)

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