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Feeling ashamed and being shamed of never having been in a relationship

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Viewing 11 posts - 31 through 41 (of 41 total)
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  • January 21, 2021 at 10:43 am #373243
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    What you wrote, looking her in the eyes and telling her those five sentences followed by a “Bye” (and then moving away from her) reads perfect to me!

    You expressed that it was easy for you to come up with what to tell her, but you expect to “kinda freeze” when you see her again, feeling afraid to say what you want to tell her. Here is what I suggest: practice saying these five sentences in front of a mirror, when alone. Practice the facial expressions/ body language and tone of voice that will go with the words. Practice many times until you feel comfortable about your performance. If you have a photo of her, tape it to the mirror and practice while looking at her image, particularly into her eyes.

    Then when you see her, like an actress in a play who did a lot of practice, deliver your best performance.

    anita

    January 21, 2021 at 10:54 am #373244
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you! That is a great idea, to practice in front of a mirror. As we have established at the beginning of this thread, I’m not always aware of my facial expressions and body language. I will definitely do this.

    “Then when you see her, like an actress in a play who did a lot of practice, deliver your best performance.” – I like this description! I feel like doing this would help me with other frustrations as well. I often know how I want to react to something, but I end up reacting completely differently. Pretending to be an assertive badass might eventually lead to me being that way and not only pretending. 🙂

    January 21, 2021 at 11:25 am #373248
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    You are welcome.

    “I’m not always aware of my facial expressions and body language”- reading this led me to think that at a later time (and when you are absolutely sure that you are alone and that you cannot be seen or heard), you can tape a photo of an attractive young man  on the mirror and practice talking to him, looking him in the eyes etc.

    But one thing at a time: before you practice being friendly and a bit flirtatious, practice being “an assertive badass” first, lol. And be patient with this kind of practice, don’t give up on it the moment if feels weird, or if you get discouraged, feeling like it is not working. I hope that you will let me know how your practice goes.

    anita

    January 21, 2021 at 11:57 am #373249
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes, good idea! I imagine it will feel weird at first, but we are quarantined and I could use such a distraction. 😀 Plus, what do I have to lose. I feel like my flirting game can only go up from here, haha. But as you said, first I need to work on my assertiveness.

    I will definitely let you know how my practice works. I really appreciate you taking so much time to respond and give me advice. The mirror “experiment” might sound intimidating, but it also sounds fun to me. And that is what I need right now – to not take everything so seriously and just learn self-growth through practices like this.

    January 21, 2021 at 12:42 pm #373251
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation of me. I feel especially good reading your positive and experimental/ adventurous attitude toward the mirror exercises, and I am looking forward to read about it!

    anita

    February 20, 2021 at 8:04 am #374978
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    I wonder how you are feeling, being it is almost a month since you last posted, wondering if you are practicing “to be an assertive badass”, as you put it Jan 21…

    anita

    February 21, 2021 at 10:40 am #375027
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was meaning to write to you soon. 🙂 Yes, I have made some progress! (at least I think I have) I am practicing comebacks to different scenarios and I think of words more quickly. I have also recently ended a friendship with someone I thought I could trust and they blindsided me with their wish to not interact with me anymore. The person is dealing with some issues and they always confided in me and wanted me to listen to them and I did. I also shared some of my problems with them and we bonded over both having anxiety. This person told me that they don’t want to talk to me anymore because talking about our problems gives them more anxiety. I was confused because they confided in me willingly and frequently asked for advice and started such conversations, but instead of lashing out and being angry, I recognized that this is for the best. Usually, I would obsess over this for months, even years maybe. But I was “over it” the next day because I cannot be friends with someone who wants me to listen to them all the time without being able to open up myself. I also analyzed what I could do better in the future and how I can become a better friend. Maybe I was not “badass” with this person (since I agreed to the end of the friendship), but I still feel badass because I let it go without obsessively blaming myself and telling myself that I am a bad person. I don’t need to convince this person that I am a worthy friend and this is a huge step forward for me. I was never able to do that before.

    February 21, 2021 at 11:37 am #375029
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janet:

    It is good to receive your positive progress update: congratulations for successfully practicing comebacks to different scenarios, and for ending a one-sided friendship without lashing out at her or obsessing about it! You are indeed a good-badass kind of woman!

    anita

    February 23, 2021 at 7:11 am #375098
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you! :))

    February 23, 2021 at 8:04 am #375104
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Janet. Post again anytime you want to, on any topic.

    anita

    February 25, 2021 at 9:23 am #375203
    Janet
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you! 🙂 I will.

    All the best,

    Janet

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