Hey, I’m back…

I will try to make it short…

After writting here that I was feeling baf because of my ex`s new relationship and that I was doing my best to watch my feelings and not take any action, it happened that we met a thousand miles (really) away from our city, in a COMPLETELY unexpected event.

Long story short, we spent almost 3 days together and had the opportunity to talk about everything we were feeling (note: not sleeping together or anything, we were both participants of a medical conference very far away from home, where we didnt know anybody else, and ended up staying together during the whole day, mostly talking about ourselves and missing everything else, and then went back to each ones hotel at the end of each day).

The thing is: we both thought that the other one had terrible feelings about each other and had moved on nicely (as I wrote here), but it could not be further from the truth as we found out after talking to each other. She said she loves me so much and feels terribly afraid of looking back in the future and feel that she might have been with me, the one who she really loves. She also said that all of her friends keep telling her that the new guy looks a lot like me (just as I wrote here…) and it scares her. Its her opinion that the only ”wrong” thing about me is that I wasn’t (and still am not) mature enough to be in a serious relationship, since I had a lot to accomplish by myself yet, and theres nothing she can do regarding it besides wishing me the best, but she has to move on because she wants to have a family and the other guy is a very good person who treats her amazingly and wants the same. Its not that shes unhappy with him, but she still thinks that I am the one and these 3 days together were another proof of it since we felt the happiest ones in the world together.

My side of the story: I really did feel the happiest guy in the world. I still do love this person so much and I agree with her that I wasnt ready to be in a definitive relationship, and Im not sure if I am right now. I dont know if feeling unsure about it is a sign that I actually am not, or if this is a sign that I may have a disfunctional view about relationships in general. I dont want to get in touch with her while unsure about it, I dont want to make it even harder to her as well. I can imagine what she might be going trhough right now as she asks herself if she should leave her relationship because of what she felt after meeting me.

Its not something that we can just ignore…

Any thoughts about it? Maybe I should just sit and wait until things get clearer to me before doing anything?

Thank you!

Hello Anita!

I must give you a little background so you can understand what she means…

We met each other when we were only 19 years old and none of us had been in a serious relationship before. During those years we had to deal with the common issues of maturing as individuals and also as a couple, what lead to a lot of conflicts and ultimately created an environment where trust become an issue and a vicious cycle took place, where her insecurities pushed me away and this distance fed her insecurities even more.

Not sure if you have ever heard about the attachment theory, but according to it I would be an avoidant individual and she would be an anxious individual, what explains this vicious cycle that I have mentioned.

Almost ten years later and having gone through different experiences in life, we both have matured a lot and the feeling that THIS TIME things could pretty much work out was revived after these 3 days of close contact, although we are very insecure about it, since we have already tried it more than once.

She doesn’t believe that I am ready to be in a serious relationship yet as she sees myself as someone who still wants to focus on my career, explore the world and live different experiences before ‘’slowing down’’ to have kids and take care of the family. (She didnt mention exactly what, its just something that she ”feels”)

What do I think about it? I am really not sure about it. Sometimes I feel like this is true and others I think that there is nothing I could not do or accomplish while in a relationship with her, as I have pretty much stated that I love her. The fact is, I am really not opened to a new relationship right now, but I would go back to her if she gave me the opportunity. Its like… I don’t really want to get in a relationship right now but I would if this is my last chance with her. It  may be the fear of missing the opportunity, I suppose.

It leads me to what I think is the core issue regarding this situation: I am not taking the responsibility for my own life, my own future. I am waiting for her to decide it for me. If she gave the opportunity I would go back to her, but I cant decide it by myself. While I thought there was no chance anymore, specially after I got to know about her new relationship, I was fine, following my path. But now I have this monster to fight against and I know that it would be a huge mistake to take any action while I am not sure about what the hell I want for me.

Tomorrow I’m going to start therapy, what hopefully will help me to lead with these issues and to look deeper inside, where I know I will find these answers. Meanwhile I will keep meditating and writing here as I love it. Thank you one more time!