June 22, 2019 at 1:14 pm #300351
Feeling Emotional Overloaded -After being married to my husband for 35 years and while attending some counseling sessions,he finally confessed to me that deep down he also thought he should have been born a female..I guess after we became empty nesters he decided to approach this subject after all these years and wants to “work in ” his desires to dress up & act a woman because we now have down time to explore & have fun with it !!! I have always prided myself in being open minded & accepting ( I guess he noticed that aspect in me early on ) enough to wait to tell me . Although it’s been several months since that reveling – what I’m having the hardest time with is : He kept this all from me for 35 yrs – I do feel a bit sorry that he has held this for so long (he’s had these feeling since he was a kid) I’m feeling much more confusion & frustration over him lying to me for so long- in some ways I feel that our marriage has been a scam from day one . And….may I add in the middle of all this mess, our daughter meets,moves in and has a baby (they are now married ) to a “seems go far ..” a really nice guy . My relationship with her has been and still has it’s up & downs . I am fully aware that they are trying the best they can – we have been very supportive both emotionally and physically, and financially but recently we had a bit of a fall out disagreement ,right after the wedding – she has now cut off all ties – we are not allowed to see our only grandchild (they live 4 hrs away )No photos ,no contact – she is using the baby as a pawn in our relationship – so right now ,here I sit ,depressed,lost,confused, emotionally drained and crushed in many differant ways – we still attend counseling but not getting too much direction (maybe need to start over with someone else )June 23, 2019 at 7:39 am #300401
Regarding the first topic, your husband sharing with you after 35 years of marriage that “deep down he also thought he should have been born a female” and that he “wants to ‘work in’ his desires to dress up & act a woman”- it is not necessarily a very big deal. I mean, we all had desires when we were young children and we don’t get to materialize those, mine was to fly in the sky, like a bird and later, to be an internationally known dancer and movie star. It is not necessary to reveal those to a partner. When not revealed for years and decades within a marriage, it does not make a marriage a scam.
If I was in your position, I wouldn’t feel comfortable “to explore & have fun with it !!!” with him, that is, help him dress up like a woman, do his make up, call him a woman’s name and so forth, so I wouldn’t do any of that. I would tell him that I am willing to empty out one closet so that he can place his woman’s clothes in that particular closet and he can dress up in a particular room, spending time there, make it his room. When I am out of the home, he is welcome to use the whole house, (as long as neighbors cannot watch him from outside the home, depending on the setting of the home).
Regarding the second topic: your relationship with your daughter “has been and still has it’s ups & downs”. She recently had a baby with her lived in boyfriend, now husband. You and your husband have been supportive of her emotionally, physically and financially. Right before her wedding, you had a disagreement and she has cut all ties with you, no contact. Would you like to summarize perhaps the nature of the “ups & downs” with her over time, and the nature of the recent disagreement, as well as how does she use the baby as a pawn?
anitaJune 23, 2019 at 9:28 am #300413
Concerning my thoughts about my husband’s desires : I could as you suggested set some guidelines for him to follow so he could act them out – We have talked all about this – it seems each time he expresses more & more limits to what he wants to do . Last we talked he dreams about getting dressed up and go shopping and a restaurant with me. It seems to me that since he has finally gotten this “out” he wants to run with it -I’m not sure where it going to land up – but I know as much as I want to be supportive I’m not sure I want to be along for the ride. And maybe I’ve over thought this but I question what really attracted me to him from the beginning , Yes I knew that he was always thoughtful and seemed to have a sensitive side to his personality – but I was also attracted to his steadfast passion he had for family, work & friends. His loyality and commitments .When I met him I knew right away that he was the one ..for the first time I felt comfortable, safe & loved . I think about all those aspects of him ( the strong guy that I fell in love with ,my protector, my safe harbor ) but now I’m seeing him in a differant light and as the months go by I’m seeing less and less the man I fell in love with. He keeps trying to tell me that it’s just a little “thing” but the more we talk about it ..”it” seems to grow bigger & bigger. I wish he had never brought it up.
Maybe just maybe the universe sent us a message when this other issue came up with our daughter. well without going over the years of relationship issues between me & my daughter . I know that she deals with depression, like myself. we as a family struggled through some very difficult years while she was in high school (concerning our son ) she got “lost” for many of those years – she was a good student , did all the right things ,never really any problems but because ,we as parents had allowed (over a long period of time ) our son to emotionally run our lives- he at that point was controlling all of us – this went on for years .the short of that was when we finally threw him out of the house after many fights ,calling the police many times and after the suicide attempt- we had finally reached our max – so to say the least she had gotten shoved back & ignored – not intentionally but I just had so much time & energy that he sucked up on a daily basis. Well then my husband & I (maybe out of guilt ) did a complete concentration effort to make things right with her – I can’t really say that we spoiled her (we don’t have the means to do that ) but we tried our damness to make up for the time lost ,esp my husband ..I heard her many times saying that she was Daddy’s girl . I look back on those years and although she didn’t demand for much of anything she did get everything she asked for .We were allows present for everything whenever,where ever and I guess she got used to that very quickly. she then began to get a bit pushy with what SHE expected – started out with simple things like ” don’t talk to me in the morning..you know I’m not a morning person ” that turned into grunting at us ..well as the years went by the manipulation became greater – by her early 20’s ,she was still living here with us ,working (yes she had always had a job ) paying her bills and being pretty responsible , I guess we justified her behavior towards us and pretty much shoved it under the rug . The other side of our daughter was ALWAYS sweet, kind ,thoughtful,polite ,funny,smart , we were the only ones that saw the other side – hence forth our many arguments. As she became older I became less & less tolerate of her behavior towards us (mostly me ) she still could work her father but I began to push back . It hurt me when she would talk the way she did to me & I let her know it . My husband would interfer many times just to keep the peace. It bothered me that she knew how to turn it off then she wanted to depending what she wanted out of us – I began to feel like her doormat – and oh YES I do own up for allowing her to do that , maybe I thought it wasn’t too late for her to hear that she was being disrespectful and hurtful.Well she moved out when she was 24..she meets this guy,we met him about 2 mos later – they moved in together – 2 mos later announce that they are going to be parents..WE aren’t really thrilled but we supported their decision and were excited – left me handling my very catholic father and breaking the news to him ,which did not go well ( another long story ) got dumped on by him, her brother who always wasn’t too thrilled about their decision ( he had since made a huge life change over the years ,lives in Pitts, has a great job & lives with his girlfriend and is finally happy ) got dumped on by him – see I seem to be in the middle all the time – yes, probably put myself there! The baby was due in Jan. well come time for her shower..which she planned all out right down to the color of the tablecloths !!! all done & paid for by us..just the way she wanted – the invites were even designed & printed by us . By the time I cooked everything,decorated, ran the games,cleaned up and got home – all she said was – wow you look tired !! NOT once did she say “thank you Mom ”
well the baby was born early Jan – thank God a beautiful baby girl – everything went perfect…as I’m sure she had some kind of unearthly powers from above – but we were thankful and feeling blessed – OK I’m really trying to wrap this up … Bottom line ,I smoke – I have tired to quit many times and many times I did for long periods of time . she said early on that I’m not going to be allowed to see the baby if I was still smoking – I tried again , quit for weeks , went back , tried again . she kept warning me . the weekend they got married I didn’t smoke the entire weekend – she found out afterwards that I was still smoking and that was it – I’m out !! thanks for hanging in there I know it was long – I’m going to see my doctor about getting some pills to help with quitting but not sure it’s too late – she’s already done with me thanks againJune 23, 2019 at 9:52 am #300421
I read your recent post but before I reply further I want to understand the smoking part: did you smoke in the presence of your granddaughter (and daughter), was that the problem for her?
anitaJune 23, 2019 at 10:07 am #300425
In case you answer, I want to let you know that I will be away from the computer for up to a couple of hours and will reply when I am back.
anitaJune 23, 2019 at 10:11 am #300427
Anita – I have to add something ..from the few people that know about all this between my daughter & me and that have been around for years- They are ALL in agreement that IF I stopped smoking – SHE would then find something else to keep me away – They All agree that it is NOT really about smoking it’s about control (although they would all like me to quit too ).June 23, 2019 at 10:24 am #300429
Anita – sorry I didn’t see that you replied – then I added ….To answer your question …No I never even smoked around her when she was pregnant – I would NEVER smoke around the baby , I didn’t even smell like smoke – I told her that – I made an effort NOT to smoke, not to smell like smoke,showered , clean clothes ,washed my hands everything –
I was thinking the other day – IF they lived closer I was seeing the baby more often OR I was babysitting her that would be a bit of a differant story but as long as they are living 4 hrs away we won’t be seeing them that often anyway . But now she blocked me from FB (can’t see pics of her and deleted our family album from e-mail ) all the pictures are goneJune 23, 2019 at 11:00 am #300431
Regarding your husband, seems to me that it will be reasonable for you to consider separation from him. There is no reason for you to compromise yourself with such a drastic change that he brought into his relationship with you. You married a man who you believed was okay with being a man for decades, then most recently he wants to be a woman and run with it, go out dressed like a woman and so forth. This is a serious game changer and you don’t owe him to play this new game.
Regarding your daughter, reads like she is angry with you and has been angry for a long time, and so she is punishing you by blocking you from herself and from her child. Because you do not smoke in the presence of her child, not even when she was pregnant with her child, and not in her presence (it is not right to smoke in anyone’s presence even if the person agreed to it!)- then reads to me that if it wasn’t smoking, it would have been something else.
If I was you, I would not try to contact her or try to cause her to change her decision to block you from their lives. If she contacts you, then I would require a serious series of conversations (preferably in the office of a qualified family/ relationship therapist) regarding her anger which is underneath her depression. Such communication will have to be done with both parties respectful toward each other at all times and with more and more honesty along the way, telling it eventually like it is, and go from there.
anitaJune 23, 2019 at 11:55 am #300437
Anita – Thank you for your time & input into my current situation. I have a lot to think about and maybe some time away to clear my head . I don’t want to make rash decisions when my emotions are too scrambled. Yes you are right , my best move right now with my daughter is just to sit for awhile – my biggest fear is weeks will turn into months that turn into years – it’s been almost 2 months now – but I will wait to hear from her – Thank you again – wishing you peace , DianeJune 24, 2019 at 9:05 am #300513
You are welcome. I hope to read more from you over time, please do post again anytime something comes up, and I will be glad to reply to you following every post you make.