Dear Anita,

Concerning my thoughts about my husband’s desires : I could as you suggested set some guidelines for him to follow so he could act them out – We have talked all about this – it seems each time he expresses more & more limits to what he wants to do . Last we talked he dreams about getting dressed up and go shopping and a restaurant with me. It seems to me that since he has finally gotten this “out” he wants to run with it -I’m not sure where it going to land up – but I know as much as I want to be supportive I’m not sure I want to be along for the ride. And maybe I’ve over thought this but I question what really attracted me to him from the beginning , Yes I knew that he was always thoughtful and seemed to have a sensitive side to his personality – but I was also attracted to his steadfast passion he had for family, work & friends. His loyality and commitments .When I met him I knew right away that he was the one ..for the first time I felt comfortable, safe & loved . I think about all those aspects of him ( the strong  guy that I fell in love with ,my protector, my safe harbor ) but now I’m seeing him in a differant light and as the months go by I’m seeing less and less the man I fell in love with. He keeps trying to tell me that it’s just a little “thing” but the more we talk about it ..”it” seems to grow bigger & bigger. I wish he had never brought it up.

Maybe just maybe the universe sent us a message when this other issue came up with our daughter. well without going over the years of relationship issues between me & my daughter . I know that she deals with depression,  like myself. we as a family struggled through some very difficult years while she was in high school (concerning our son ) she got “lost” for many of those years – she was a good student , did all the right things ,never really any problems but because ,we as parents had allowed (over a long period of time ) our son to emotionally run our lives- he at that point was controlling all of us – this went on for years .the short of that was when we finally threw him out of the house after many fights ,calling the police many times and after the suicide attempt- we had finally reached our max – so to say the least she had gotten shoved back & ignored – not intentionally but I just had so much time & energy that he sucked up on a daily basis. Well then my husband & I (maybe out of guilt ) did a complete concentration effort to make things right with her – I can’t really say that we spoiled her (we don’t have the means to do that ) but we tried our damness to make up for the time lost ,esp my husband ..I heard her many times saying that she was Daddy’s girl . I look back on those years and although she didn’t demand for much of anything she did get everything she asked for .We were allows present for everything whenever,where ever and I guess she got used to that very quickly. she then began to get a bit pushy with what SHE expected – started out with simple things like ” don’t talk to me in the morning..you know I’m not a morning person ” that turned into grunting at us ..well as the years went by the manipulation became greater – by her early 20’s ,she was still living here with us ,working (yes she had always had a job ) paying her bills and being pretty responsible , I guess we justified her behavior towards us and pretty much shoved it under the rug . The other side of our daughter was ALWAYS sweet, kind ,thoughtful,polite ,funny,smart , we were the only ones that saw the other side – hence forth our many arguments. As she became older I became less & less tolerate of her behavior towards us (mostly me ) she still could work her father but I began to push back . It hurt me when she would talk the way she did to me & I let her know it . My husband would interfer many times just to keep the peace. It bothered me that she knew how to turn it off then she wanted to depending what she wanted out of us – I began to feel like her doormat – and oh YES I do own up for allowing her to do that , maybe I thought it wasn’t too late for her to hear that she was being disrespectful and hurtful.Well she moved out when she was 24..she meets this guy,we met him about 2 mos later – they moved in together – 2 mos later announce that they are going to be parents..WE aren’t really thrilled but we supported their decision and were excited – left me handling my very catholic father and breaking the news to him ,which did not go well ( another long story ) got dumped on by him, her brother who always wasn’t too thrilled about their decision ( he had since made a huge life change over the years ,lives in Pitts, has a great job & lives with his girlfriend and is finally happy ) got dumped on by him – see I seem to be in the middle all the time – yes, probably put myself there! The baby was due in Jan. well come time for her shower..which she planned all out right down to the color of the tablecloths !!! all done & paid for by us..just the way she wanted – the invites were even designed & printed by us . By the time I cooked everything,decorated, ran the games,cleaned up and got home – all she said was – wow you look tired !! NOT once did she say “thank you Mom ”

well the baby was born early Jan – thank God a beautiful baby girl – everything went perfect…as I’m sure she had some kind of unearthly powers from above – but we were thankful and feeling blessed – OK I’m really trying to wrap this up … Bottom line ,I smoke – I have tired to quit many times and many times I did for long periods of time . she said early on that I’m not going to be allowed to see the baby if I was still smoking – I tried again , quit for weeks , went back , tried again . she kept warning me . the weekend they got married I didn’t smoke the entire weekend – she found out afterwards  that I was still smoking and that was it – I’m out !! thanks for hanging in there I know it was long – I’m going to see my doctor about getting some pills to help with quitting but not sure it’s too late – she’s already done with me  thanks again

Anita – sorry I didn’t see that you replied – then I added ….To answer your question …No I never even smoked around her when she was pregnant – I would NEVER smoke around the baby , I didn’t even smell like smoke – I told her that – I made an effort NOT to smoke, not to smell like smoke,showered , clean clothes ,washed my hands everything –

I was thinking the other day – IF they lived closer I was seeing the baby more often OR  I was babysitting her that would be a bit of a differant story but as long as they are living 4 hrs away we won’t be seeing them that often anyway . But now she blocked me from FB (can’t see pics of her and deleted our family album from e-mail ) all the pictures are gone

Anita – Thank you for your time & input into my current situation. I have  a lot to think about and maybe some time away to clear my head . I don’t want to make rash decisions when my emotions are too scrambled. Yes you are right , my best move right now with my daughter is just to sit for awhile – my biggest fear is weeks will turn into months that turn into years – it’s been almost 2 months now – but I will wait to hear from her – Thank you again  –  wishing you peace , Diane