Home→Forums→Tough Times→Feeling empty and unworthy of being happy…
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Mimi.
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November 1, 2016 at 6:04 pm #119376
JuliaParticipantHello, I’m Julia. It’s became very hard for me to find the strengh to do anything, even writing this is a struggle, but I’ll do my best.
I’m not feeling like a living human being, more like an empty shell with no soul, interests or personality. If someone asked me what I like, I could not answer.
A thought that used to be helpfull to me in the most tough times was… death. Yes, I felt better thinking that if things get too hard, I could disappear. Untill I found out I’m not brave enough to do it and I’m forced to live.
When I was a teenager, my mom didn’t notice or care that something bad was happening to me. I stopped going to school, I spent days crying in my bed, not really knowing why. Telling my mom I wish I could die resulted in hearing that everyone has a hard life and I need to stop overreacting. But… that’s an old story…
I’ve always avoided people, I’m scared to talk to them. When someone shows some interest in me and tries to be friendly, I can only think: “When is he/she going to leave me? When will he get bored of me?”. I unconsciously push people away, because for me it’s impossible to think that someone could like me and I end up all alone.
I feel like I don’t deserve anything and… I don’t know, I’m just sorry that I exist. I feel like I can never be more than a bother to the world.November 1, 2016 at 7:00 pm #119384
AnonymousGuestDear Julia:
You wrote: “for me it’s impossible to think that someone could like me.” I used to think that about myself for many years. And it felt very badly. Because I know how painful it is to think this way, I feel empathy for you and I know that I can like you.
You wrote: “I feel like I don’t deserve anything” – I say: you do deserve good things in your life.
You wrote: “I’m just sorry that I exist. I feel like I can never be more than a bother to the world.”-
And I say: I am glad you exist and I know you can make a lot of good in this world.
I am thinking you didn’t get the love any child needs, when you were a child and didn’t get it since. This is why you feel so empty. When we grow up without love, we do feel empty. Without love we shrink, close in, and so we don’t explore the world and we don’t learn who we are and what life is about.
Can you share with me what you think and feel about this reply I wrote to you?
anita
November 2, 2016 at 12:55 pm #119451
Pegasus63ParticipantJulia…
Oh, my, I am so sorry…
When I was a teenager and going through what turned out to be my first major depressive episode, I went to my mom and said much the same thing about death, and the response I got, after the explanation that it was a Mortal Sin to… never mind… was, “It’s all in your head.”
If this were happening now, I guess the contemporary comeback to that would be, “You think?!?”
It’s been years since then, and the feeling of not feeling worthy still haunts me from time to time. Some days are better than others.
Please allow me to share this: It wasn’t too long ago that someone I didn’t know at all who has since become a dear, beloved friend said three simple words to me when I was in intense pain: “It Will Lift.” Your distress and pain will lift too. It might not happen today or tomorrow, and you may need to work on it, but it will happen.
You said you don’t feel you deserve anything. That is not true! Just by being here you have meaning. The wind and the clouds and all of nature don’t think you don’t deserve them. The sunrises and rainbows are for you and for everyone. And the people on this forum are here for you too.
November 3, 2016 at 5:57 am #119484JuliaParticipantDear Anita and Pegasus63:
Thank you for such uplifting replies. It saddens me that both of you experienced similar depressing thoughts.
Anita:
I think it might be true what you said about not getting love as a child. I never liked my father and when my parents divorced, I felt great relief that I don’t have to see him any more. About my mother… well… I always felt like I’m just a bother and she would be happier without me. It was very hard to get her attention, we never spend a lot of time together. It really hurt me when I tried to talk to her and she wouldn’t even put her book down to listen. Sometimes we do talk, we laugh, but it’s rare. I never know if she will be here for me when I need her or if I can count on her. Usually it turns out that I can’t.
Pegasus63:
I’m willing to work on it, I just don’t know how… Sometimes I feel so depressed that it’s hard to imagine I could do anything to be happier. I also don’t have anyone who I could talk to, so I can be very lonely at times. I wish I could find some purpose in my life, but I feel too lost to look for it…November 3, 2016 at 8:56 am #119546AnonymousGuestDear Julia:
In your original post you wrote: ” When someone shows some interest in me and tries to be friendly, I can only think: “When is he/she going to leave me? When will he get bored of me?”
This is because often, when you started talking to your mother “she wouldn’t even put her book down to listen”, meaning her book was interesting to her and you were not, so she kept reading. No wonder you feel that other people will also get bored of you.
Growing up without attention from any of your parents, without adequate attention, the child doesn’t develop much. A child needs attention so to develop just like a plant needs water. So, instead of being a tree with a strong trunk, many leaves and flowers blooming, you are ” like an empty shell with no soul, interests or personality’- like a tree with a weak trunk, few leaves and no flowers.
It is not because there is something wrong with you, just like there is nothing wrong with the tree I mentioned. The tree needs water, that is all. And you need loving attention.
When you get that attention you will find out your interests and “soul.” I found it in psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist who listened to me (what a special experience!). I wonder where you can find it. What I can offer you here is to listen to you, that is to attentively read your words every time you post, and then attentively and empathetically reply to you.
anita
February 28, 2017 at 3:35 am #131623
Anurag GhoseParticipantHey Julia,
I understand what you are going through. Sometimes it feels like nothing is right. Its the internal state of worthlessness. I feel the major reason for your feeling like this is rooted in your childhood from what I can infer from the episode with your mother. From what I can guess, you were pretty distant with your mother (maybe father too). This is a typical case of childhood emotional neglect, where the child’s emotions go unheard or aren’t given much importance, which is the case with you.
Nobody commits suicide because they were happy. They do it because something was amiss somewhere. In your case, the suicidal thoughts are arising due to a feeling of worthlessness and low self-esteem, which is again evident from your statement that you are afraid everyone is going to leave you. This feeling of abandonment is not your fault, this is a result of the fact that you were neglected in your childhood, and since parents are a child’s primary relatives, a lot of trouble can arise if a parent doesn’t pay attention to a child’s needs. Studies have shown that even abused children have a stronger sense of self than neglected children, since the abused child’s psyche registers the abuse as a fact that he/she is at least noticed. Neglected children on the other hand have nothing to base their image upon.
The people who were supposed to be his/her bedrock in life, were absent. As a result, that specific place is void, with nothing inside. The moment attention is showed to a neglected kid/adult, he/she faces the first question – Why is this person interested in me when my own parents did not find me worth paying attention to? Surely this person has an ulterior motive and will leave me someday.
As this pattern of thinking was ingrained in childhood, it is very hard to deal with in adulthood.
For reference, you can search for Childhood Emotional Neglect.
March 2, 2017 at 7:37 pm #133447
MimiParticipantHi Julia !
This is a community and I too as the others above, we all have some things that we’re working at. I’m no expert here but maybe my insight might be of use.It may be useful to watch some videos by Lisa a. Romano on Youtube about codependency and growing up with narcissistic parents (they are not monsters- but individuals who also experience loneliness as a result of living with narcissistic parents)
Also check to see if your insurance carrier will cover the cost to see a therapist and find a great fit for yourself. Try to join a womens’ support group in person or on Facebook or watch some Youtube videos (haha more Youtube !)- try untameyourself.com she has a youtube channel- Elizabeth dialto
All the best to you !
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