Dear arabella:

“I had one too many drinks and got really inebriated and told him I missed… the sex… we just talked about how good our sex life was and how it was hard to replicate with someone else (it’s true)… I feel ashamed for the things I said when I was drunk, especially because some of it was true… Do you think I’m a terrible person and deserve to be left? I’m not even sure. I know I technically didn’t ‘cheat’ but I feel just as bad. Can someone help?“-

– I think that it is safe to say that your behavior with your ex was not honorable, and that it was cheating, although not technically. I think that if your boyfriend knew anything regarding the sex talk with your ex (or otherwise, about you enjoying sex more with the ex than with him), he would probably be devastated and likely, troubled for years to come, maybe for the rest of his life. I highly recommend that you don’t tell him, no matter how you feel and what happens in the future.

I don’t think that what happened indicates that you are a terrible person. I think that it indicates what alcohol does to people: inhibitions severely lessened, the person is not aware of the severity of what is happening. I think that you should accept that it was indeed shameful behavior on your part, and that it does not mean that you are a terrible person: not if you take precautions so that such a thing does not happen in the future.

Some people are so shame-resistant: denying that they did anything wrong, rationalize it, finding excuses, blaming others, etc., and in the future, they repeat the same kind of behavior because they never took responsibility for it. So, take responsibility and decide how to not repeat this kind of behavior.

Is your sex life with your new boyfriend… unsatisfactory?

anita

Dear arabella:

You are welcome. If your boyfriend knew of the conversation you had with your ex, I would imagine that he wouldn’t feel better knowing that it was about your past sex life with your ex vs sexting. I imagine that his male ego will hurt very much simply because of being considered “not AS good as the old one with (your) ex“.

“I don’t think I’ll ever have that kind of feeling with anyone else again“- it may be that even if you had sex with your ex again, you wouldn’t have that kind of feeling either. That would not be surprising to me: I remember how much I enjoyed living in New York City at one time, in my mid-twenties. It was magical. Some years later, visiting, it had a very different feeling to it, the magic was all gone. I figure that the magic was a product of me being young, and it being the first time I was in NYC. It was new and magical, but it couldn’t be magical when it was no longer a first time, when it was no longer new.

“I agree with you that not telling him is the correct path because it will only hurt him“- good thing that you agree.

“I’m just not sure how to forgive myself and move on“-the motivation behind the painful feeling of shame is to lead us to improve ourselves, to learn something from the past behavior which we regret, and come out a better person for it. This is how I deal with behaviors that I regret. Being a good person is about changing for the better.

anita

Dear arabella:

“Do you think it’s possible that I can feel both?”- of course, you are proof of it: you feel both.

“I can feel ashamed because I know it was wrong and dishonorable and I would NEVER want to put my partner in this situation again even if he is unconscious of it. But I can also feel freedom that I spoke my truth in things I’ve been carrying around for too long?“- good thing you feel a freedom that you needed to feel for so long. Next, you need freedom from the shame and guilt that you are feeling, and the way to gain this freedom is to be the best person you can be to yourself and to your boyfriend.

This experience can lead you to be more forgiving when your boyfriend makes a mistake, or part mistake, and you know he will. I mean, everyone makes mistakes. More forgiving means being a better person.

anita

Dear arabella:

You are welcome. “I don’t think telling him would bring anything good“- all that telling him about this one-time event can do is hurt him deeply. I can’t think of a deeper hurt to a man’s sense of worth-as-a-man, than to be told that the woman he loves was never turned on by him the way she was by another man.

I will reply to you further in an hour or so.

anita

If not telling him would save the relationship from pre-existing issues. It is understandable not to want your relationship to end over something like this.

Dear arabella:

I re-read your posts and I have a few comments/ questions:

“I haven’t seen or spoken to my ex in over four years until recently when we ran into each other at a mutual friend’s wedding. We spent almost the entire time catching up and drinking… I thought I could see him and these things wouldn’t surface but I was so terribly wrong”-

-(1) Not having seen your ex for over 4 years and hoping to run into him for a long time, when you were finally invited to a mutual friend’s wedding, you expected that your ex would be there, and … you thought that you could see him and things wouldn’t surface,

(2) You did not attend the wedding with your current boyfriend of four years,

(3) There were many people at the wedding, were there not, and they saw you “almost the entire time catching up and drinking” with your ex. Aren’t any of the wedding guests friends with your current boyfriend, on Facebook or irl,  and aren’t you afraid that they will tell him (or that he will find out on Facebook through photos) about you catching up and drinking with a different man almost the entire time of the wedding?

“I had all these things I wanted to say. I think I kept hoping one day to run into him and have the courage to say… we just talked about how good our sex life was and how it was hard to replicate with someone else (it’s true)… I can also feel freedom that I spoke my truth in things I’ve been carrying around for too long?“- so all those years of you waiting to say things to your ex, to speak your truth.. the truth that you wanted to tell him was that your sex life with him was irreplaceable? And telling him that made you feel free?

“I have no feelings towards my ex at all ..I don’t miss him as a person or as a boyfriend, I honestly only miss him sometimes as a lover… I don’t think I’ll ever have that kind of feeling with anyone else again.. I don’t miss the emotional aspect of our relationship… this was someone who meant a lot to me once upon a time“- (1) At first, you wrote that you have no feelings toward your ex and then you contradicted yourself,  (2) you are trying to place feelings in separate categories: feelings for the ex as a person, feelings for him as a boyfriend, feelings for him as  lover- as if he is three people. He is all three in one and you have special feelings for him, feelings you didn’t experience with your current boyfriend.

I would like to try to answer the question you asked me in the recent post that you addressed to me. I hope that I will be able to answer after you clarify the above, if you do.

anita