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Feeling guilty

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  • December 29, 2013 at 9:55 am #47815
    peace4us
    Participant

    Greetings!
    So here it goes I will try to make this long story short..Perhaps just typing it will provide some relief. So my mom who is 64 and is at the later stage of Parkinson’s moved in with me (about 1 1/2 years ago). I am a single mom with two kids and a demanding career. I live in a small cape (fine for me and my kids). She is a retired nurse and really resists modern medicine etc. She left my stepfather but still has a good relationship with him and he lives in their house 2 hours away. .She only has disability check, she and I do not have a healthy relationship (I am working on moving on and forgiving the past) but its hard when she is right here,needy and we are mean to each other. I have had chest pains (not heart attack I checked, I cry I lose my temper… My kids are not comfortable etc etc. I called my stepfather and said she needed to move back there in March, he agreed as long as she has the appropriate care and agrees to have this surgery that will help her. I have told her she cannot live me and that I would be hiring a social worker to get her affairs in order etc. (theres much more to this)

    Anyway I am basically kicking my mom out I feel like its whats best for me and my children. I know it hurts her and I feel like I owe her but I can’t help her…

    December 29, 2013 at 9:55 am #47816
    peace4us
    Participant

    PS : Penelope is my name typed username in name field 🙂

    December 29, 2013 at 10:23 am #47818
    Eric Schmit
    Participant

    Feeling guilty…rightly so. Your here for justification? You wont get any from me. You can forgive her, and move on but it takes hard work and a lot of it. You want to remain and do so in the past, unwilling to let go of the pain and hold onto this victim role. As uncomfortable as things may be in your house with living arrangements and what ever happened in the past, how about being the bigger person and making that connection and reaching out to her. Remember she is your mother, remember she held you when you was born and loved you unconditionally regardless of how she treated you. Forgive her. You’ll miss her when she is gone, better to try and reconcile while you can than have her leave this world with angry unsaid words and bad memories. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do the right thing for the right reason.

    December 29, 2013 at 12:43 pm #47821
    Helen
    Participant

    Penelope, do not feel guily! It takes both people to make a relationship work, especially a relationship where people live together. If it is not working, you are absolutely right to consider what is best for you and your children. Especially for your children. It is not a healthy situation for any child to be in when adults around them are constantly fighting, crying, emotionally toxic to each other. You are also not kicking your mother out on the street, she has a place to go.

    You are also mentioning “the past” and it seems you tried to give her a chance despite the past. You have done your share, but each adult is responsible for themselves. If your mother continues to argue with you in your own home, then you are doing the right thing by discontinuing that unhealthy relationship. Maybe with some distance, it may be possible to heal from the past.

    Remember also that you need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else. If you cannot take care of yourself when your mother is present, how can you take care of your children? They are the ones who depend on you and need you the most.

    Also, the reply from Eric is very harsh. I hope you do not let those ideas sink into your heart. Many people struggle with guilt over making the right decision, but deep down, when you truly listen to your own heart, you will know what is right for you. Listen to THAT voice and stay strong in your resolve to do what you feel is best for you and your children.

    December 31, 2013 at 3:51 pm #48081
    peace4us
    Participant

    Well certainly two perspectives 🙂 Eric I appreciate your honesty and passion behind your opinion forgiving is what i am truly working on, justification no some assistance in understanding what is right and wrong for me and my children yes.

    The interesting thing is me speaking honestly to myself and her has actually opened up a great line of communication. She has taken some steps towards her health she was resisting previously. she has a great pathway and a wonderful home to return to and I can continue to try and forgive, support and accept!

    Helen- Thank you for your kind words Toxic is the right description and this honest conversation with myself, my stepfather, my brother and her has been extremely healing.

    Happy New Year

    Love to all!

    December 31, 2013 at 10:07 pm #48091
    Lyla McLean
    Participant

    Hi Penelope, Only you can know what is the best thing to do and I think that you do. You didn’t say why your Mother moved in but, if you have given it your best and it’s not working, you might all be better off if your mother goes home. Given some distance and with the pressure lessened you can then see if your relationship with your mother can be improved. Eric is being too tough on you. You have given the barest of details. Not enough for anyone to judge you on. You have your own children to consider. You have your health to consider. It sounds like stress is making you ill. Your mother has had her life and you’re not throwing her out on the street. She’s going home.
    Be gentle with yourself. You tried and it wasn’t a success. OK. chalk it up to experience and forgive yourself. You deserve that and peace. May 2014 be a good year for you all.

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