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Feeling like a failure and that my life has derailed

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  • #85225
    M
    Participant

    Let me start out by saying that I know people are going through way worse things than me, but I just need to vent (and could probably use some advice). This will probably be way too long, but…I need to talk to someone about it!

    I just turned 29 and I feel like such a failure. I’m single, live in a boring city that I dislike, and have a terrible paying job. I feel like I am always too tired to do anything, and I basically have no hobbies anymore. My apartment is in disarray, and I’ve lived in the same tiny apartment for 6 years. I just feel so behind and directionless right now.

    Some backstory…for my last year of undergrad I moved to this city to complete my degree as part of an internship type program I guess you could say. I had planned on moving back to my home city, but I got offered several jobs here so I decided to take one and stay. That job turned out to suck for a lot of reasons and truly made me depressed and miserable. However, it was very good work experience. I entered into a grad program part time so I could get my Master’s and move on to a different career. During this time I at least felt fairly successful compared to all of my college friends- I had a job directly related to my degree, made good money for a new grad, and lived on my own. I also had a boyfriend that I ended up dating for 3 years (although that’s another story).

    During the time I was in school, I got a new job in the field that my Master’s is in (although it was the same career as my old job, it was in a new industry). I thought it would be a temporary stop until I could finish my degree, but I ended up loving it- the people, the company, the job, etc. However, I came across by chance a job posting for my dream job- what I went to grad school for. It was within the same company. I ended up getting the job, but now I think it may have been a mistake to take it. I feel like I wasn’t ready for a career change. Although I work for the same company, I work in a different area- and I miss my old coworkers, my old boss…and I worry that I’m missing out on valuable experience I could have gotten from that job. I know for sure I want to stay in this industry, but I don’t know if i want to pursue Career Path A (my old job) or Career Path B (my current job). I hate a lot of things about my new job, and it is hard to tell if I don’t like the job duties itself or just that where I currently work is so disorganized that it makes me dislike this type of job. I ended up applying and getting an offer to go back to basically my old job- it’d be a little different, but it’d actually be better experience if I wanted to do Career A. Career B that I am in right now could still help with Career path A in the future, but I am not sure if it is worth it if I am unhappy. Changing jobs is hard and I have only been with this one for a few months, so I am afraid I may be bailing too soon. I don’t know what to do, and it’s giving me a ton of anxiety.

    I just feel so unsuccessful. My current job sounds prestigious, but the state I live in pays horribly for this job compared to everywhere else in the country. It pays awful for someone this many years out of college! I want to move, but I don’t know where to. I feel too old to move somewhere new on my own and have to make new friends. I also have been single for a year now, and although I have tried online dating, going out to bars, and doing Meet Up groups, I haven’t met anyone to date. I’ve also gained some weight due to a foot injury, and I am just generally unhappy with how I look, even though I do try and dress nice and do my make up etc.

    I just feel like a total failure. I have no idea what I want to do career wise, I feel stuck living in this city that I hate, my job pays awful and my bank account has been drained thanks to grad school, I live in a cramped apartment, I feel ugly, it’s impossible to get a date here, and I am exhausted all the time and so overwhelmed by everything that I don’t have time for hobbies. I want to fix everything, but I have no idea where to start. I get so stressed out that I’m wasting my life away and that I have SO much to fix and do, that it zaps all my energy away.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by M.
    #85227
    anita
    Participant

    Dear tortietort:

    You are overwhelmed, over stressed, too much mental noise/ mental clutter:

    Create some space, can’t get anywhere thinking with an overwhelmed brain. Clear your apartment and your brain from excess things, trash of any kind, things you don’t use and are of no benefit to you. Remove the clutter, place what you do need in place, create space. Forget hobbies for now and for a while. Forget dating for now. Just clean the apartment. Don’t think about career A vs career B. Just clean the apt, slowly, mindfully as if cleaning the apartment was the only thing you need to do and the only thing that mattered.

    Do that, take a hot shower and lie down in a clean bed. Clear your brain of thoughts.

    Write again then, here. This is my advice.

    anita

    #85234
    jock
    Participant

    I second what Anita suggests.
    Cleaning up our room/house, removing clutter, is one of the best therapies for regaining clarity. It is such an obvious option, yet overlooked often.
    I think as we clean, our minds get cleaned too, cobwebs removed etcetera.

    #85250
    Mike
    Participant

    I completely agree with what anita has said, however I want to go further. I have been in a very similar situation if not the same through out my 20’s and definitely have had those very same feelings. I am 31 so not that much older than you and we are both still young, many people don’t know what career they want to be in until they much older than us, some never find their calling. You are putting too much pressure on your self, I am not sure if it is impatience it seems like you focus on how things SHOULD be, how you SHOULD be, how you SHOULD feel, this is the same that I am guilty of and had driven myself into a deep depression. You seem very attached to external success, but what is success exactly? Are you financially independent? Well as long as you are financially independent and not in any great debt, you are doing better than a great deal of people, but then again we shouldn’t judge our success by what others are doing. You are not happy with a lot going on? Instead of focusing on how unhappy you are with your current situation, learn to be happy in it because happiness is fleeting what makes us happy now will soon lose the appeal it once did and so will the next thing that makes us happy, it becomes an endless chase. Make your apartment into your own oasis, somewhere where you feel completely relaxed and tranquil. As for your career nobody ever knows where their decisions will lead them, sometimes we make the right decisions and they lead us somewhere great sometimes we think we made the wrong, it is all personal there is no right and wrong. Just how when you were at your old jobs these new opportunities come into your life from time to time, be patient and ready for the new opportunities to arise. Focusing on how miserable you are at your current job just makes it so much more agonizing. Sometimes a job is just a job and we have to work it with a smile on our face, just so that when someone comes along with a new opportunity, they don’t look at us and see the miserable person we’ve become and say, “We can’t have that negative nancy on our team, she/he will bring everyone down.” No matter how optimistic you think you are when you go and try to get a new job, as long as you keep the same negative thoughts about your current work they will sneak in during the interview and you don’t want to put off those vibes to potential employers because it is exactly what they are looking for (The non-verbal).

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