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Feeling like i'm in a hurricane

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  • July 21, 2018 at 7:10 am #217987
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sheelanagig:

    You are welcome and thank you for the appreciation. To “help that connection between her and (you) grow”, notice that most of you is still the child.

    This is my understanding: you are still “confused and clueless as to what is going on in the adult world”. In the relationship with the man you referred to as “S”, you viewed yourself as the child, and him as the adult. You “told him all (your) most intimate secrets and fears” so that he will take care of you, resolve those fears. Isn’t it so?

    And when you realized he was living with another woman, not having told you that for months, you figured (after a while) that he was a narcissist who targeted you and groomed you- the words you used, as if he was a child molester who targeted a child and groomed her.

    I don’t think he targeted and groomed you. I think he wanted what he wanted and went for it, selfishly, not considering your welfare. He wasn’t a man who practiced the value of do-no-harm and of honesty.

    Before I go on, if you would want me to go on, let me know what you think so far, and if you do look at others (men only; maybe men and women) of your age as the adults, looking at them from the viewpoint of a child needing their help?

    anita

    July 21, 2018 at 7:51 am #218003
    Sheelanagig
    Participant
    Hi Anita
    Interesting points/suggestions.  I say he “groomed” me bc he spent months acting as if he was a friend and trustworthy and asking me about my thoughts and fears and offered compassion and reassurance.
    He put in effort to get me into a position where I would be sexual to him and that is what I felt was exploitative, that he chose to do this with the knowledge that I didn’t have, that he was in a relationship. I believe he chose to do this to me because he saw a desperate needy and sad woman. Later he said he believed he was doing me a favor by “being there for me.” That’s what I mean by targeted. He saw someone with vulnerabilities and chose to exploit them.
    I think it’s really interesting that you pointed out the possibility of me being in the childlike position and putting him into the loving father position (I’m putting it in my own words) who i desperately wanted approval, attention, comfort and recognition from. There is some truth to that I see in retrospect, but at first I thought he was just a hatrmless guy who lived far away, and I had a lot going on and he was willing to listen and not judge seemingly, so I just spilled it all out. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done that for many reasons. I could tell thatt he sometimes subtly got off offering me reassurance and advice in a tiny condescending way and my dad does the exact same thing. He loves to give people advice and be right strong and smart etc. I chose to minimize it it.
    When I was a younger adult and teen I definitely felt like I thought EVERYONE was cooler, smarter, better than me. Since I’ve gotten into my 30s and earned some accomplishments, I’m realizing I do have knowledge and am good at my job and have a lot of knowledge others don’t in some arenas. When it comes to the emotional realm, having to do with intimate relationships, I can get very very triggered and totally feel like a child. And these issues are related to feelings of abandonment I believe. Usually when I’m going thru this intensity I write, and after I’ve come to  rational myself a little bit,  I talk to my a few close friends or talk to my therapist and I do love my friends for their nurturing qualities, but also I try to nurture them when they need it too.
    July 21, 2018 at 8:39 am #218011
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sheelanagig:

    We do live in a world where a lot of people do exploit others. Children are the most mistreated group of people because they are so  needy, desperate and vulnerable. Lots of men do exploit women for sexual purposes, that is common. And then, men exploit other men, women exploit other women and men as well.

    We have to learn who a person is before we make ourselves vulnerable to that person.

    You wrote, “having to do with intimate relationships, I can get very very triggered and totally feel like a child”- when that happens, protect that child, stand between her and … the strangers out there. Make sure she doesn’t go play unsupervised. See to it that she doesn’t play with a person who is likely to hurt her.

    anita

     

     

    July 22, 2018 at 6:51 am #218099
    Sheelanagig
    Participant

    You are totally 100% correct and I wish I could go back in time because I have put myself in situations where I was victimized due to low self esteem. In therapy we talk about the everyday adult me, the mean parent me and the helpless kid me. Working on recognizing when each of them is “making an appearance” and then trying to ground myself in the adult to deal with the child and adult as needed. I feel like that make me sounds very crazy, but I hope you know what I’m talking about.

    When I first posted this topic, I felt very confused and blurred in my mind, which is unusual to me, I feel like I usually have at least a tiny clue as to what is going on. I think I was just in major denial that I was used by someone I trusted. Slowly I’m accepting it and trying not to beat myself up for being a sucker.

    I just want  to say I very much appreciate the time, effort, concern, wisdom and compassion you have given to me thru this conversation.

    July 22, 2018 at 7:12 am #218105
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sheelanagig:

    You are very welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation of me.

    Yes, I believe I know what you are talking about. I am glad you have more clarity now and I hope you do not “beat (yourself) up for being a sucker” or for any other reason. When you beat yourself up, you are beating that little girl in you. She will cooperate with you well  if you earn her trust by being loving of her unconditionally, never punishing, never vindictive. Be gentle with her.

    anita

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