Dear N:

You wrote: ” when you’ve done something so long and you’re good at it and you get set in your ways, changing them so late in the game seems terrifying”- so that I understand your situation better, I ask:

What are those ways you think you will need to change if in a relationship? And what is it that terrifies you about changing them?

anita

Dear N:

Somewhere along the way you learned that your thoughts and feelings are unacceptable, annoying is your word. So you hide those and so, you are unable to engage in intimate, sincere relationships.

You wrote that your father said he married your mother because he liked her, that is, he found her acceptable, found her thoughts and feelings acceptable, letting her express those freely, making a sincere and intimate relationship possible. Am I correct?

In the relationship between your mother and you; between your father and you, did either one reject your thoughts and feelings, express such … dislike?

anita

Dear N:

That “whole other can of worms” in the relationship with your mother can very well explain your current difficulties with intimate relationships. The “stop being sad” message, for one, is rejecting your sadness, your feelings. The “just don’t worry about it/just be happy” message is: don’t bother me. I am busy … with more important things, isn’t it?

Your father told you that you can talk to him about anything: did you talk to him about your mother’s rejection and inattentiveness to you?

anita

Dear N:

It doesn’t matter really, if your mother is malicious or not. Cruelty by ignorance or cruelty by intent, by malice, is still cruelty. It hurts either way to be rejected, ignored, and so forth.

What you write is that both your mother and your father express their attitude that you shouldn’t focus on the rejection you experienced, on what troubles you, and instead be thankful. Perhaps both will be a good policy: be thankful for what you have and attend to your distress. Both.

Maybe a quality psychotherapist can help you, really listen to you, express to you that your feelings matter, that they are important; help you see yourself through the eyes of … someone who does see you…?

anita

Dear N:

You are welcome.

You wrote: “my dad isn’t necessarily on the side of ‘psychobabble’” – Neither am I on the side of psychobabble. Psychotherapy with a .. psycho-babbling therapist is not what I am suggesting.

You wrote in an earlier post: “I’ve never been in an honest relationship before. So I’m not used to being completely open to anyone or reliant on anyone”

The psychotherapy I am suggesting is about the therapist being honest with you, so that you will be having your first honest relationship, a relationship in which, for the first time, you will be completely open to someone and reliant on, that is, trusting that someone, for the first time, to not hurt you when you are honest and completely open.

I am sure you feel that you can trust your parents in some regards and that you appreciate greatly every expression of affection they displayed toward you or every single thing they did for you. Unfortunately, they did hurt you when you were honest and completely open, and this is why you keep to yourself, stay in your own head, and you “seem standoffish, insincere and cynical”.

There is a whole other you waiting to come to the surface- an honest, sincere, open, loving woman. She’s been there all along, waiting. I hope you post again.

anita