Feeling of emptiness after she walked out.

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This topic has 27 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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March 1, 2016 at 1:38 pm #97763

Anonymous
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Dear Kman:

Congratulations for your two week old nephew! And good to have you back here.

I re-read some of our earlier posts as well as today’s post. You asked me what I think of her honestly. Do I think she loved you?

At times she loved you, felt affection for you, that is. In between those times she sometimes felt nothing for you and sometimes she hated you, that is she felt angry at you and wanted to hurt you. Not only did she want to hurt you, but she proceeded with action intended to hurt you and she succeeded.

You wrote in this most recent post: “She insulted me to the point where I went from this very confident guy at the beginning of the relationship to this very insecure guy by close to the end.”

This is a very telling sentence. When you think of the times she was loving toward you and the times she was hating toward you, wanting and proceeding to hurt you with the words she chose, what is the net result, the net affect and effect on you? You turned from “this very confident guy… to this insecure guy”-

This is telling me that overall her affect on you has been negative.

I used to get confused by this: I used to think bad people are bad all the time, that is hurtful people are hurtful all the time. So if someone hurtful was sometimes nice to me, I got all confused, thinking: so which is it? Is this person nice or cruel? Good or bad (to me)?

I am no longer confused. Now I understand that nobody is cruel all the time. Every cruel person (and you can think of historically known cruel people as well) is nice sometimes.

She was nice to you at times. When you choose a friend, a girlfriend, a future wife, it would be wise to choose one who is not .. sometimes nice and at other times cruel to you.

It is never okay to be cruel to another. It is never okay for her to be cruel to you and she has been. The fact that she was nice at times doesn’t take away from her cruelty, does not “neutralize” it. Her sometimes niceness is not the pluses that balance the minuses as in a financial sheet.

It is never- never okay to be abusive and she has been abusive to you repeatedly.

so this is what I think about her. what do you think about what I think…?

anita

March 1, 2016 at 2:07 pm #97769
Kman
Participant
Thank you for the congratulations! Honestly, I think you’re right. But I feel bad to think of her as abusive and cruel, even though she was extremely emotionally abusive. I never thought I’d beg a girl not to break up with me over 6 times, put up with all the insults and mean things said. She was great but had the tendency to be cruel. I guess I just don’t understand what her concept of love must have been. Because it doesn’t seem like she loved me the same way I loved her. But at other times, it seems that she did love me. It’s confusing actually.

I’ll take your advice about choosing a girlfriend. I really don’t think I can ever go at relationships completely naive and unguarded eer again. If I ever notice any of these attributes even if she was great in many other ways I’ll now it’s just not what I want.. I also may add that when it got to the point where we would insult each other back in forth I said some hurtful things too. I’ve called her an ass hole, selfish, mean. But she’s generally always proceeded first with the abusive behavior before I reached that point of insulting her which is just as bad on my part.

Would you suggest that I just pretend like she doesn’t exist and in that sense “forget” about her? Before my nephew was born back in August she bought him clothes to wear. Anyways I didn’t dress him in those, but it really bothered me that she didn’t bother telling me congratulations or anything. I just feel like I’ve been through way too much with this person, that the fact that I need to pretend she doesn’t exist, that nothing ever happened feels extremely wrong in a sense. But it’s what she wants, and I can’t keep trying to be around someone that wants to be alone.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Kman.
March 1, 2016 at 2:16 pm #97773

Anonymous
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Dear Kman:

I wouldn’t pretend she doesn’t exist or that nothing ever happened but very much take what happened in as a learning experience. It did happen… just don’t let …more of it happen to you.

I would keep no contact with her if I was you because I wouldn’t want more of the same. It is confusing to you, is it not, because you can’t understand how she can be nice and loving at one time and cold and abusive at another time? Is it that you think the two behavior don’t go together in one person?

But they do. As you get to know a person, notice: is he or she sometimes abusive? If so, keep them out of your life no matter how nice they are in between the instances of abuse. There should be no abuse.

As a child, when you have abusive parents, you have no choice, unfortunately. But as an adult, you have a choice.

No, I wouldn’t forget about her. I would remember and make sure I have no new to-be-gotten memories of her in the future!

Please do post again, anytime.

anita

March 3, 2016 at 8:49 am #97890

Kman
Participant

Hi Anita,

I think you’re right. I shouldn’t have any new memories of her. I unfriended her today, and I felt really bad about it. I don’t know why, though. I’d look at her profile every once and a while. One time I look and she’s removed every picture of us, the next time I take a look she’s made our friendship (option to look at our posts throughout Facebook since we started) private. She removed a lot of my comments on her pictures from when the relationship began and I don’t know but at that point, I felt horrible. I just quickly went to her profile and unfriended her in the moment out of the emotions I was feeling. I didn’t think it through. I feel like that was my last connection with her, where I don’t actively need to talk to her to “be in her life.” I’m watching someone I love slowly remove every trace of me from her life and it seriously hurts.

I can’t understand it. How she could go from so loving to do everything she’s done. To be honest the only reason I’ve left her on my Facebook since we broke up two months ago is because I felt like we might be able to get in frequent contact again someday. I’ve had some days where I was ok and other times it was just like the first day we broke up. I get really sad thinking about how people who were so close end up being strangers. This my first time going through this so I’m sorry but thank you for helping me out.

I’ve also realised whenever the idea of relationships come up between me and my friends I start getting sick. I start feeling anxious, kind of scared, kind of nauseous. I’ve obviously not moved on yet. I understand that we broke up and that we are probably always going to be. But I still love her as much as I ever did. Do you need to kill that feeling before you’re ready to move on or can you even if you don’t?

March 3, 2016 at 9:37 am #97894

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kman:

To your last question, at the end of your post above: no, you don’t need to kill that loving feeling for her, not now and not in the future. You need not kill that feeling because feelings cannot be killed.

Feelings, or emotions (same meaning to me here) have messages in them for you to figure out. What is the message behind this or that emotion? The emotion will remain until the message, the valid message has been delivered.

You unfriended her, good choice, a good choice that feels bad. Why does it feel bad? Is the message in the bad feeling: “Unfriending her was the wrong choice. Friend her again, now!” Is that the valid message?

In millions of abusive relationships, marriage relationships, where one spouse is being physically abused by the other, one way physical abuse, he or she stays in the relationship even though leaving is a realistic option. Why does that happen?

It happens because the abused feels bad leaving the other spouse. It feels bad, so the abused figures the message is that he/she should not leave. They figured the message is “Stay!”

Is that a valid message?

Back to you. What is the message in you still feeling love, need, want for her? And feeling anxiety, sadness about unfriending her?

Could the valid message be that you need to love and be loved, that it is a real need in you and that you are afraid it will not happen, and sad that the little of it you experienced with her is over?

Could that be ALL that the fear and sadness are about? Could that be the valid message?

anita

April 25, 2016 at 12:56 pm #102715

Kman
Participant

Hi Anita,

I’d honestly just like to thank you so much you’ve helped me a lot in seeing things clearly. As of now I’m feeling much better compared to where I was before, I no longer want her back. Recently I found out though that she started dating 3 months after we broke up. It’s a guy in her old school when she use to live in the Netherlands. After we broke up she went there to visit her friends and he was with them at a party (I know from our mutual friends) and two months later I found out he took her to prom and now they’re officially dating and in long distance…

I don’t want her back but this has me just thinking a lot. I thought she broke up with me because of the long distance? So she gets into another long distance relationship? Lol. I don’t understand. I’m thinking maybe it really was the flight and she just used the distance because it was an easy excuse. Already she’s telling him she loves him… etc… I mean I don’t know why but knowing she’s back in a long distance relationship in what I think is such a short amount of time (3 months, isn’t it?) really makes me feel like I did something wrong. Despite the fact she’s dating him, she continues to like my Instagram posts and she told me happy birthday on April 4th. I honestly don’t want to be with her again, but I do feel very guilty sometimes for missing my flight, and I don’t know if she was saying the truth about the distance or not. It seemed like she was, but everything that’s happened recently shows the opposite.

April 25, 2016 at 1:32 pm #102722

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kman:

Good to have you back a month and 3 weeks after the last post. I wouldn’t expect logic to be the guiding force in people’s choices (the long distance issue). What matters is that you are free from abuse in your life and that you keep it this way!

I don’t think you missing that flight had anything to do with her behavior which was unpredictable, moody, unreliable.

Choose the next girlfriend… wisely! What if there was such a thing as a Relationship Resume where you record your relationships and what you learned from them, for future reference… more than a reference, for the learning experience.

Many people invest a lot in formal education while learning from relationships for the purpose of choosing better in the future is often much more relevant and significant to one’s well being!

anita

April 25, 2016 at 2:12 pm #102727

Kman
Participant

Thank you for all the help Anita. I really appreciate all the advice and help you’ve given me. I hope you’re doing well and you’re great and I know you help a lot of people out with their problems, but if you ever need anything yourself please feel free to talk or ask.

April 25, 2016 at 2:29 pm #102730

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kman:

Thank you so much! What a unique offer. You are very kind.

Take care!

anita

May 23, 2016 at 4:02 pm #105426

Kman
Participant

Hi Anita!

How are you? I hope you’re well!

My ex girlfriends boyfriend was stalking my Instagram profile (I know because he accidently liked my picture and when I checked the notification was gone later) and he saw some comments where she says she loves me that I guess he didn’t like because an hour later she unfollowed me and unliked a recent picture that I had posted. I didn’t think anything of it and that was two months ago.

A few days ago she sent me a request on snapchat, another social media platform. I accepted just so theres no bad blood between us, but I don’t understand why she’d add me. Her stories or what she shares is mostly of her and her friends and a lot of it has been her boyfriend, she hasn’t said a word to me. I don’t understand if it’s purposely for me to see the boyfriend or anything else? Honestly I’m just completely ignoring her stories and not opening them so I don’t need to look at them and so she doesn’t see that I see them, I’m just a little bit confused I would of thought that she wouldn’t or shouldn’t have added me after unfollowing me

May 23, 2016 at 7:04 pm #105430

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kman:

Welcome back, almost a month since you last post. Good to read from you again!

A month ago, a couple of posts up, I wrote to you: ” I wouldn’t expect logic to be the guiding force in people’s choices”- so this is my comment as to you wondering why she added you to snapchat after she unfollowed you in Instagram.

Maybe she forgot what happened on Instagram: time has passed. She is quite moody, I remember. So no surprise. If you try to understand her motivations you have to … pretend you are her, changing from one day or one week or one month to the next.

But overall, over time, this changing makes her unreliable and undependable.

Ignoring her stories is a good idea. What is new with you otherwise? Potential new and improved girlfriend out there?

anita

May 24, 2016 at 2:40 am #105475

Kman
Participant

You’re right. I’m good overall actually! After my experience with her I decided I’ll do some other things before I think of dating again. I’ll be moving to NYC on August, and continuing my studies there. Other than that I’ve just been teaching myself some Spanish, and playing the piano.

How’s everything with you?

May 24, 2016 at 6:06 am #105484

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kman:

I am fine, thank you for asking. Need to organize papers and deal with things I’ve been postponing for a long, long time.

NYC? How exciting! Lived there a long time ago. So many people, so many businesses, never a dull moment when you are out and about NYC. August will be hot and humid outside: wear thin cotton-like breathable clothing. Very humid. And hot.

Till your next post, take good care of yourself, Kman.

anita
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