This site has a tab called letting go. Hopefully those articles will help. Next, focus on what the real problem may be. If the kids weren’t there would you do the cleaning anyway? You didn’t particularly say that they were slobs themselves but you did mention three times that you’d like them to move out (they’re driving you insane, you fear they’ll never move out, they’re pampered too much to want to move out). Also, they didn’t bother you when they were little. Maybe you need to have a serious talk with your husband about them getting their own place. Set a time frame and stick to it. You’ll need to really lose the anger even if you’re faking it so that this becomes a positive life step for your family. In case they all forgot, remind them that usually your first apartment is sometimes a giant step down from your parents’ house. Good luck.

Hello Pyper-

My opinion, based on reading what you have written, is that the problem you are having is not with the children so much as with your husband.

Your husband should be valuing your needs as much or more than his children, now that they are adults. Really, he should be the one who is upset about the way the children are acting. If he does not find it troubling that his children have not progressed to a state of growth where they are willing to contribute more to the household than they are now, then it sounds like maybe the struggle for getting more out of the children will need to begin with getting more out of your husband.

It sounds like the second part of this problem is “Trust me I already tried talking to hubby, but I just get shot to the side.” You are in an unequal relationship. My guess is that your husband may be just fine with the way the children are behaving because that it easier for him than having to try to get them to behave more as equally participatory adults. To this point you have accepted this, and so there is no reason to change.

Though talking with your husband has not been productive to this point, I believe that is how you are going to solve your dilemma. You will need to find a way have him accept your views as equivalent to his; have him find importance in your needs; and ultimately that should lead to him being the one to correct his children’s behavior, rather than you.

There are all sorts of destructive ways to do this like threatening to leave, or refusing to do any household work until others do, or selectively not cleaning up after the children — but all of these will likely just lead to resentment with you as the step-parent. My advice would be to tell your husband that you are unhappy with the situation; that you feel like you are in an unequal relationship; and then solicit the help of a good LMFT to work on correcting those issues.