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Feeling terrible after breaking it off

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • December 11, 2016 at 9:40 am #122442
    Rebecca
    Participant

    I recently dated this guy for a month. I had a good time and enjoyed getting to know him . He’s a really good person, kind, mature and honest.

    After the last date he asked me to be his girlfriend . I felt totally overwhelmed/shocked at the timing of this. Historically it takes me a long time of getting to know someone before I feel comfortable committing. I didn’t feel like I knew him well enough to decide if I see a future . There is an emotional connectedness/closeness that I need with someone and I don’t feel that with him yet.

    He assured me that he could wait for me to develop more feelings & that his intention was not to pressure me, but I didn’t want to drag him along. So I ended up breaking it off saying if I don’t have enough feelings now then it isn’t right. I could tell this really hurt him but he agreed.

    I really tried hard to make the right decision , and although it was painful I thought breaking it off was the unselfish thing to do. But instead of feeling relieved I just feel so sad. It’s been nearly a week and I’ve never felt this horrible after rejecting someone. The anxiety of this is so bad I even cried at work the other day, I can’t focus and all I do is think about him, how much I hurt him, and how I wish I had at least given it a shot. He was so good to me, and I did like him, I just felt guilty that I wasn’t ready to invest the amount he was asking for. It was difficult for me to decide whether or not this meant I should stop dating him.

    I don’t know how to solve this and just feel better.

    I feel I don’t deserve to reach out to him again, and I DON’T want to be that person that plays with someone’s else’s heart. I truly feel he deserves someone who says yes the first time. But at the same time I feel so angry toward myself, like I’ve let something good go out of fear. Usually Im so sure and clear about the relationships that are right or wrong for me, but this situation has me feeling like mess..I don’t know how I’ve become this person and Im really not proud of it ):

    Thoughts on this?

    Thank you!!

    • This topic was modified 8 years ago by Rebecca.
    • This topic was modified 8 years ago by Rebecca.
    December 11, 2016 at 12:08 pm #122450
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lorraine:

    In your first thread here, September this year, you were at the end of a four month long relationship. The relationship was good during those months only not right, you couldn’t see a future with him, although you liked him. The breakup was mutual but you cried a lot following the breakup.

    This seems to be a repeat: four good dates with a guy you like, a breakup because you don’t quite see a future with him and then, again “feeling terrible after breaking if off.”

    If you see this as a repetition of sorts- what are your thoughts?

    anita

    December 12, 2016 at 9:26 pm #122574
    Rebecca
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You’re right, this is a repetition. Thank you so much for your kind insight, I really appreciate you taking the time to consider my old posts 🙂

    I do believe I have a problem with commitment. Interestingly, I also initially said “no” to the only bf I’ve ever had. Only after a few more weeks of dating did I agree to enter in a relationship with him (which lasted over a year). This problem goes way back. I also remember initially saying “no” to my prom date in HS then texting him the next day to say yes.

    I am sure I want a serious relationship/marriage, but I have a very difficult time letting people into my life. When I am single I feel secure, balanced, and in control of my own happiness. I find that relationships (especially bad ones) make things spin out of control. I am sensitive and hurt easily by those I choose to open my life to. That is why I am so careful, and why I feel I must know someone well (and have them know me) in order to commit to a relationship.

    I do have a handful of friendships that are healthy and meaningful, so I know I must be capable of this for a romantic relationship. But dating always feels like it is on the fast track for me. It’s terrifying. When this guy asked me to be his gf last week, I felt like his words were coming from a stranger. And instead of taking a risk, I ran the other direction. I liked him, but I didn’t feel close/safe with him, which is why I said no.

    But clearly, I’m not happy right now. Nor was I after the last relationship as you mentioned. And yet, in both cases I played an active role in “breaking things off.” So I think I have things to work on. Perhaps I need to allow myself to trust others more easily.

    I know i’ve written a lot, mostly just thinking out loud here (which is helping). but thanks again.

    December 13, 2016 at 4:50 am #122589
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lorraine,

    Imagine this: Let’s say you asked someone to be your BF right off the bat and they said “No” for the same reasons you did. After that you would think, “Oh, they take a long time to form a connection” and the guy wouldn’t cry over it afterwards (probably). So don’t beat yourself up for saying “No”. It sounds more like you’re saying “Wait” anyway.

    Also (my mother taught me this) when a man knows what (who) he wants he doesn’t mess around. He pursues right away.

    So clearly you have the “There’s Something About Mary” effect on these guys. You won’t miss out. Continue to be truthful and clear about what you want (time) with no guilt.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    December 13, 2016 at 10:52 am #122613
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lorraine:

    Because you are afraid to not be in control in the context of a relationship, there is no other way but to be careful about the choosing of the man to get involved with, the timing, the pace of it. You do have to learn who the man is before committing.

    It is like being afraid to cross the street for fear of being hit by a passing car. The solution is not to trust that you will not be hit and just do it, if you could at all bring yourself to do that-

    The solution is to look for a safe place to cross the street, to look both ways, carefully, paying attention, listening to traffic sounds, and so forth.

    So with the latest guy, since you liked him and he asked you to be his girlfriend only after the fourth date, instead of breaking up with him, I would have told him that I need to get to know him better, over a longer period of time, before you can commit to such.

    anita

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