I have recently been seeing a therapist to combat some issues that keep arising in my life, during these sessions the therapist often relates my behaviour back to my childhood and generally blaming my mother or sister for why I don’t honour my feelings in situations. This makes me feel guilty and protective of my mother (who seems to be the main issue) and my sister when my therapist brings them up, but then once in their presence I see myself regressing back into childhood behaviours and not expressing myself and my needs very well. It’s so strange, I completely retreat into myself, go quiet and become quite passive, which is probably a bit passive – aggressive, but it’s not my intention. I have been trying to work out my intention and can only figure it is to not be hurt, attacked, criticised, judged or put down so the only option for me is to not be expressive or myself at all. By nature I’m quite boisterous and confident in most situations, but once I am with my family I just don’t behave like I would around friends.

To give a bit of a back story, my mum and my sister are really my only family unit. My father passed away 9 years ago and most of my cousins live overseas. My mothers sister (my aunty) stopped talking with her when I was about 6 y.o, I still haven’t heard the full story, but my mother said her sister was seeing a therapist who suggested her to lose people in her life who were a negative force and hasn’t heard from her since. My mothers father committed suicide when she was about 12, so I’m sure there is a lot of pain and hurt my mother has dealt with.

I love my mum and appreciate everything she has done to make my life the way it is, but I also harbour a lot of pain with how I was brought up, really longing for warmth and love from her, but only really getting drips and drabs. It’s a shame, as I’m sure there are a lot of good memories with growing up, but I just can’t seem to find them in the caverns of my mind. Growing up I felt like a bother, irritant and unaccepted. My father was soft and loving and was really the nurturer, making my sister and I breakfast an lunch daily, then walking us to school. Mum was always out the door early for work and often busy in the evenings with work, so I remember my fathers presence more than my mum’s when growing up. When we lost him, it really felt like losing the glue that held us together, bonded us, so we had to start all over again getting to know each other and it hasn’t been easy.

My sister always feels prickly to be around, she can be nasty and snap at the most trivial things, she never shared things with me when growing up, and I remember just longing to be the kind of sisters that support each other, but this never happened. My mum just makes me feel like I am worthless, trouble for her and like whenever I try to address any issues with us, it’s all my fault or in my head, just like it was with her sister. Whenever I reach out to my mum for help of any kind (not financial) it seems it’s always a bother. I pretty much don’t share any details of my life with them anymore as I feel there is no point and that if I do I am judged and ridiculed. My sister has had a child recently which my mum is thrilled about and putting a lot of energy into which is great, but now they both have even less interest in my life.

Recently I asked for her help with sorting out some paperwork which was tough to even ask for help, she kindly agreed to, then cancelled on the day. Later in the week she left a voice message saying it would be nice if I made an effort to catch up sometime, which I thought was pretty rude considering she cancelled on me and didn’t try to reschedule. Looking back I should have asked her if she could make another time and that her help was really important to me, but as usual I just swallowed the hurt and pretended I was fine with it. This is how I usually deal with the rejection, just pretend I’m tough and it’s all ok. I tried to discuss this with her over xmas and just started to cry when speaking with her about it. She sat 5 ft away from me and pretended to not hear me. I asked her if she heard me and her response was, yes, but I’m too old for this. Once again I retreated back into myself, wiped my tears away and left the room.

I am an generally a really positive person and surrounded by beautiful, kind friends who love and appreciate me, but when it comes to my family I still feel like a problem child and often totally rejected by them. For these feelings to still be present at 35 years old, it’s tiring and I feel incredibly guilty if ever I bring it up.

I feel awful about it all, and don’t a partner to support me as I’m sure with feeling like someone loved me it would help lighten the load and less reliant on family approval.

If anyone has had a similar experience or can offer some supportive advise on how to honour my feelings around my family and set boundaries without rocking the boat, please let me know.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post.

love and light
CB