Anyone,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why your feelings are hurt. Frankly, you’re being selfish. She has a lot of stuff going on, between her pregnancy, her control issues and so forth. If she didn’t know you were gay, and it just came up, that is a lot to process, and her space might be a little limited. I know that when my wife was pregnant, certain topics, foods, and smells triggered a whole mess of ickiness in her. So, she freaked out because you’re in a relationship? Because you’re gay? Is that really enough for you to turn your back on her and start throwing stones at her? Are you that kind of friend? That you only love her when she accepts you? Thinks of you? Did you read how much hatred is in your words? Anger? Wishing her punishment? Is your heart really that twisted and black?

I don’t believe for a second that’s true, dear friend. Perhaps you’re scared of being rejected, which is normal and usual. Being gay in today’s culture is quite a challenge sometimes, and all you want to do is be you, loved, accepted as is. You deserve that, of course, but you’re festering with hatred and anger. Those don’t do anything to her, your stones don’t reach her, but they do in fact bruise your tender heart.

Buddha taught that anger is like a hot ember we pick up with the intention of throwing it at a person. All this pressure builds, and we grab onto some ideas such as “she is such a controlling, uncaring bitch, I hope she rots” and imagine terrible things, feeling they would bring justice, balance to the world for all the pain we’re in. But it just isn’t so, it isn’t her that is being punished, its you. The festering, the bitterness, it is all inside you, harming you, dimming your precious light. As you hold onto that hot ember, it is your hand being burned.

Consider that it is a good time to set her (and your relationship to her) aside, and rekindle that loving spark inside you. Stop trying to tear her down, and instead, tend your own precious garden, your own heart. You’ve been through a lot, my dear friend, and your hand is charred and painful, which is understandable, normal and usual.

Consider that relief won’t come from bad things happening to those that hurt us, relief comes from taking the time to be gentle and caring to ourselves. Take a day trip, a bath, a spontaneous gift to yourself, some soft music, meditation… whatever helps you settle and relax, letting the space inside you open and release the ember. You obviously have such a loving heart, and its normal for it to bruise a little when it feels rejected. So, instead of running and running, filling your time with stuff and events that distract you, come home, wish for happiness for yourself, peace for yourself, and take actions that help support those wishes.

You deserve better than what she did to you. And, you deserve better than what you are doing to yourself because of her actions. You can’t change her, but you can nurture your own tender heart back into wellness. Hopefully you can see why that is such a better place to begin.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Matt,

Reading your reply inspired me to look at my own life once again and how I am conducting myself. I honestly have to say I am not pleased on how I see myself these days and you have given me a gentle reminder about the importance of selfcare. If we tend to ourselves, even just a bit, it is easier to see things around us in a more gentle and loving way. Perhaps it helps us to make better choices as well.

As for the post Anyone, I have been married to a man, have two children with him, left the marriage for many reasons(mostly we were so unhappy), came out as a lesbian and work three jobs. My ex husband and I have learned to forgive and respect each other and our roles as parents. Our children are getting older and are beautiful. My lesbian relationship……ah my heart still belongs to someone but we never worked out and my jobs…..I wouldn’t change my career.

Anger is draining, it hurts and I have learned how beautiful one can look if they replace anger with love. Sometimes it is time to let someone go, not for them, but for you.

Again Matt, wonderful response.

Thank you Anyone:)