Fighting for optimism…Can you help me?

HomeForumsTough TimesFighting for optimism…Can you help me?

New Reply
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
  • Author
  • #44013

    Hi Everyone,

    Hopefully some of you out there can help me gain some perspective on some of the difficulties I have been having this year. I have been struggling to look on the bright side of each thing that has hurt me but it is difficult.

    I fell very ill in March of this year and nearly passed away in hospital due to a viral infection which caused the lining of my heart to become rigid therefore my heart found it difficult to beat and pump blood around my body. Because of this I had to take a medical withdrawal from my MA which broke my already physically wrecked heart.

    It took me a long time to recover and the doctor is optimistic I will be off medicine in two years.

    Although this was a horrible experience I am thankful to still be here and for the support I got from my friends and family. I feel much closer to the people who checked how I was doing and who came to visit me while I was sick. However only 4 of my friends took time to come and see me during the 27 days I spent in hospital.

    I had some difficulty with my part time job, since my hours were consistently cut to minimum contract and I got kinda depressed since I was in the house so much with no university work to keep me busy. At one point my manager pulled me aside demanding to know why I was down, asking was it to do with taking a year out of my studies. In my head I thought. I am being checked weekly to see the medication I am on isn’t affecting my liver and kidneys or giving me skin cancer and I awaiting test results to see if I have Lupus. My contract is about to be cut from 16 hours to 8 and you think this is all cos I can’t stress over essays. I just said ‘I’m sorry I didn’t realise I seemed down. Everything is fine.”

    Shortly after I found a new job I’m doing well in now so I feel much happier.

    Recently I launched myself into a helping a friend raise money for charity. Going around my City trying to get donation prizes for a pub quiz and raffle. I even got up at 5am to get a good place at a huge market to raise even more money and also got a lot of people to come to the event.

    The night before the event I began to feel angry I was doing so much and this friend hadn’t visited me in hospital. I knew this is a bad way to think but I couldn’t help it. The next day I pushed those thoughts away and got up got my blood test, flu jab and went to work and got ready and settled with my team and enjoyed the night. After the quiz had finished my friend took the mic from the quiz master and listed all the people who had helped her raise money and then said that’s all I wanted to say, my name was not included. I stared at the table and gripped my pint of coke (since I also can’t drink for likely the next two years, I try to look at this as I can always take my car so I don’t need to fork out for a taxi) While another friend beside me turned to me and said “Didn’t you do lots to help?” I just smiled and said “Well it’s not a good deed if everyone knows about it.”

    Inside it broke my heart I felt that I and my efforts mattered so little she didn’t even remember me. I wondered what I could have done to make better friends with people, why so few people visited me when I was put in a side room to die in hospital. It made me so upset and made me question my self worth.

    My 23rd birthday is coming up as well. I feel like I’d be too embarrassed to ask many people to celebrate with me after that.

    If any one could please help me that would be great. I try so hard not to let all these bad things get to me but I feel like I can’t speak to anyone I know so I am just reaching out to anyone on this site who could offer some comfort.

    Thank you.

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Jess.
    • This topic was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Jess.
    • This topic was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Jess.
    Carlos Coto

    Dear Jess,

    I know that you have a lot of feelings right now, and it seems as a big chaos. The thing is, you can´t do anything on how people act, or behave…but, You are giving them a chance to break your emotions. You can either accept them as they are, and don´t let their behavior sadden you, or you can get really depressed.
    Sorry for my spelling, since Spanish is my first language. I have to tell you that you could work on your emotions, as you have a lot of anger. It is normal, and natural to have it… but you will need to work on it, for your own sake. People and friends sometimes have trouble coping with the possibility of a friend dying, and sometimes they don´t want to accept reality, thus, they don´t go see their friend to the hospital. I´m not saying that all of them are your real friends… hell, you only can count true friends with a single hand… so understand that what matters is the way you perceive their behavior, and that it is affecting you by making you really sad. It´s tough that she didn´t aknowledge your help… but then again, you did it for the sake of helping…and your other friend knows the truth. If you helped someone, and even 1 person,… then you are great my man! If you change the life of someone… you are better than most people! and I applaud you.

    Hope to have helped…

    Vivek Jha

    Hello Jess,
    You have to realize being free and joyful is your birth right and if any person or situation tries to snatch it from you,just fight it off. When it comes to difficult situations especially the ones beyond your control, when you can’t fight them off, you tend to get depressed but then realize ithe fact that nothing stays.Everything is temporary including your worries .So even if you have problems in your life today,tomorrow is definitely going to be bright.
    When it comes to loneliness,just think that almost all the friends are the friends of good times,they run off when they see you in trouble,this is the way people work.A hard fact but essential to realize.Always remember we don’t need anyone to survive here,we are born free and should stay that way.It is just because we engulf ourselves in the chains of useless relationships and desires that we feel the way you are doing right now.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Vivek Jha.

    Hi Jess, you have been through some true challenges and have shown remarkable resilience in the face of them. Believe me, I know too well how hard it can be when people don’t meet our expectations — it can be so disappointing and feel so huge. I wonder if you can focus your energy and emotions on thinking about the people who did visit and support you during this time, and see if you can perhaps consider that the friend you mentioned is not as generous and grounded as you are — and I am guessing not a very happy or positive influence in your life. I know it seems hurtful now, but these overwhelming situations really can create new moments of clarity and wisdom wherein we gain a whole new capacity to decide what (and who) we want in our lives — and can clear space in our lives for brand new opportunities, thoughts, and new people who are more genuine and caring. Try to envision that and move toward that image and emotion and you can bring it about.

    When I have found myself in similar situations, I have found that it is best for me to simply release and let go of people who are unappreciative so that I can make room to spend time and energy on those people who are truly caring, and find new energy to let other people and events into my life. I have struggled in similar situations and have learned that it can be all too easy to get paralyzed and mired in negative thoughts and emotions that lead to a vicious cycle of resentment and depression, which only leads to further isolation. On the other hand, when I finally decided to just release the expectations I had of people in my life and simply be grateful every day for every person who cares about me and touched me in positive ways, I found myself attracting more positive people and events into my life. At that point I would usually look back at those people who had “let me down” and see that they were not what I thought they were, and that I was at peace to have finally wished them well and moved on. I’m much older than you, and it took me a lot of years to figure that out — and now I only wish I had not wasted the energy I did over the years on people who just weren’t in the same place as me.

    I don’t know if any of that helps at all, but when I read your post I really felt compassion for you because I have experienced similar struggles in the past–so I wanted to do my best to share. Now, for just a few practical suggestions. Why not look for support groups in your area for people who may also be recovering from serious medical conditions? This may help a great deal during your recovery, and you may make some lasting friendships. Also, what about joining or starting a Meet-Up group based on a hobby or interest that you have? Maybe a book group or cooking group….a walking/exercise group or just a fun social group? I have joined a couple of groups and have met some fun people. You may also find some Meet-up groups in your area that practice mindful meditation — this TRULY does wonders for quieting negative thoughts and bringing calmness and clarity of spirit — and is also a nice way to meet people. Also, how about making a gratitude list each day — and perhaps making a point of sending a thank you note or performing a small kind gesture each day for someone? This is great for “hardwiring” your brain toward positive thoughts and is a huge and lasting mood lifter — not to mention that it strengthens social connections. You may also enjoy these books by Rick Hanson (1) Buddha’s Brain, and (2) Hardwiring Happiness (just out this week!). Also google his website — there are free videos that are great! Two other great books are Authentic Happiness and Flourish by Martin Seligman — he also has a GREAT website! Lastly, have you thought of seeing a therapist for a short time just to maybe help you work through this temporarily challenging time? This is just a thought, but it may be of help to you. That said, I can’t stress enough how helpful the books I mentioned are — I think they may give you new perspective and help you with some of the thoughts and feelings you are having.

    These things aren’t easy, and sometimes it is a bit of a long journey, but there is so much goodness in life….and if you can reframe your thoughts now at such a young age, I can only imagine what great things you will discover in the course of your life. One last thing — anything you can read on the Tao is extremely powerful for learning to let go and access your flow…

    Please know there is so much power within you, and that this can be just a bump in the road that sends you on a truly enlightening journey….every challenge is a gift and every crisis is an opportunity for new growth and possibilities. I wish you so much happiness. 🙂

Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.