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Finding it hard to cope with my marriage break down

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  • #91045
    L
    Participant

    I’ve been married 12 years and the last 3 years have been extremely hard and painful.
    Cut a long story short my husband had a mid life crisis 3 years ago and turned to drink and it broke our marriage. After 3 years of trying to rebuild on our marriage he is still in a bad place and I don’t know what to do no more as I have given all I can.
    He has finally got to a place where he has told me he holds a lot of anger to me and resentment and didn’t realise he did and we both don’t make each other happy no more so better if we go our separate ways.
    I’m heart broken and I know I need to accept what I can’t change and let him go as he isn’t ready to heal himself yet.
    Over the last 3 years he has been emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive to me and I realise because he is hurting and it hurts me to think he is so broken.
    I’ve tried to help him but by doing so he blames me for controlling him and for his life not being where he wants it to be. He desperately wants children and has told me he only wants me to be the mother of his children and doesn’t want to be with anyone else, but when life isn;t going his way he lashes out on me with his anger and does things to hurt me, like go out drinking and break the boundaries we agreed and doesn’t come home.
    2013 NYE he left me on my own and I cried and toasted the NY in on my own and swore I never look back. He tells me he wants to change and he is sorry but then when he gets angry again he does what he does again.
    I am here now once again on my own on NYE as he has gone out. I know I have to let him go and I hope and pray he finds his way before it is too late as I can;t take anymore of this but love him so much and am heart broken and hurt.
    I have no support system as I don’t speak to my family and don’t have any true friends and I feel very lonely and feel like I can’t cope as it broke me last year. It took me a year to get stronger but I’m worried I’m going to break again as I just want the pain to stop

    #91056
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear L:

    I am sorry you are going through such hard times. You know, today happens to be my birthday, 12/31. Most often I was so very lonely on my birthday, I felt the whole world was celebrating NYE, my birthday, except for me. I was so lonely almost every single one of 12/31s. I was painfully lonely, so desperately in need of connection. The gap between my misery and the fact the world was happy, or seemed to be happy on MY birthday, that was painful.

    I am somewhat distressed today as well, my birthday. Like you. We are both distressed. I am not lonely anymore, but I have cut contact with my mother in 2013 and I know she is thinking of me today. This caused me much distress. I used to react to my distress with self destructive behaviors but today, after being on the healing path for the last five years, and … messing up again and again, turning to binge eating (last destructive behavior) when distressed… feeling I can’t handle it, that I am going to go crazy… this is how it used to be, not too long ago.

    Today I feel distressed, can feel the “going crazy” beginning of a feeling, but … it is a good thing that I know today that I can handle it. And as you feel distressed today, can you endure this feeling, knowing, believing it will pass?

    Please post here more, tell me/ us about how you feel, anything and everything, from your childhood, your family… anything. i will read and respond.

    anita

    #91083
    Lost
    Participant

    I am so sorry that you are hurting. I pray for things to get better for you.

    I too have no friends, have no family, and have a failing marriage that I need to leave but can’t seem to.

    Be strong. I will try to as well.

    I am all alone too this New Year’s Eve, as I am every New Year’s Eve.

    Thinking of you.

    P

    #91086
    jock
    Participant

    L
    Yeah I’m sorry to hear about your plight. My support system is kind of narrow as well. Must be why I post here so often.
    🙂
    getting back to you: can you confide in anyone at all? Someone needs to hear you out for your benefit. And be on your side too. Your hubby sounds totally confused and best not to take him seriously from now on, in my view. I emphasise my view. Only my opinion. He has some issues he needs to address, as do you if you don’t mind me saying. You are not a good mix it seems. Can you have a trial separation?

    #91091
    Jan
    Participant

    Hello L

    I too am suffering from a broken marriage. Early last year, my husband of 14 years decided to end it all. We have been together for 18 years, we have two beautiful daughters. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, anger, grief, saddness and a lot of hurt. This intensified when I snooped on his email account on Christmas Eve that he had gone to Vietnam with another woman and that he has now moved on. I suffered this whole week through this one action and I take responsibility for that and I have apologised for my actions to him. We have both said hurtful things to each other but however I have held some hope that we could repair our marriage but now that he is in a developing relationship I have to accept my marriage is over.

    I love my husband so much and I fear the future ahead of me and that I won’t be loved again. I have the loving support of family and friends, they are my constant rock but it is hard to remain strong when your heart is still attached.

    Keep posting L, maybe we can support each other as we continue the roller coaster of mending a broken heart.

    Jan

    #91098
    T
    Participant

    L,

    I know and feel your pain. I am getting divorced after my husband of 18 years moved out and left me and my three children. Same story-unhappy,resentment towards me over his unhappiness, nothing I could do would make him happy.
    You have the inner strength to get through this. You need time away from him to build that strength. He is in a bad place that you can not change or control. You can only control yourself and right now that means protecting your strength that you need.
    It would be helpful to find someone that is a friend that can be a supportive listener. Maybe even find a support group for separated woman, even though you aren’t they will understand your feelings.
    Trust in your own strength and you will get through this.

    #91104
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Lost, jan and T: I wish the three of you a better 2016. I would like to read more posts by you on this forum! Your own threads, perhaps?

    Best to you, L., please post again.
    anita

    #91108
    L
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    Happy Belated Birthday and I am sorry to read your post and I feel for you and totally understand your disconnection with the world as I too feel the same!
    My childhood was a lonely one even though I had 3 older sisters and 1 older brother. My mother treated me very unfairly and favoured my siblings to me and was very emotionally abusive to me, telling me I was an adopted child or I was found in a trash can and that she wanted to leave me in Vietnam and wish she did. (I live in the UK now and I was one of the vietnamese boat people in 1979)
    I never felt loved as a child which saddens me but it has spurred me on to be a strong person and not need anyone to help me get where i have got in my life. The last few years my marriage has been tough and my life, wrong career choices and feel like I can’t find my way and am lost!
    I have done a lot of healing from Reiki and Flower remedies that have helped me release deep issues in my life and old patterns and I have come a long way since last year.
    I have had to deal with a lot of anger and have a very short fuse and fly off the handle very quickly and I have worked on that issue and manage to control it better.

    Dear Lost,
    I feel your pain I really do as I love my husband very much but he has lost his way and unfortunately I have been a target of his pain and resentment for the last 3 years and now I have come to a point where enough is enough and I cannot take anymore as my life has been about him and my marriage and I am ready to have my life about me as it should be.
    The hardest thing is that we both want the same things and can’t get there because of his pain.
    I hope you find a resolution in your marriage if not then a way to accept and let go what can’t be changed as I have learnt that now I have to let him go if I love him and if it is meant to be then he will find his way back before it is too late – which I hope he does!

    Dear Juanita,
    I’m sorry you don’t have a support system too and it suck right? It was a hard lesson for me to learn that the only person I can rely on is myself. How screwed up is that! I have confided in a handful of people but when I am at my lowest point of despair I feel that the only person who can resolve it is myself and I know it is hard and sometimes I feel I can’t deal with it at all but I have manage to just let the pain and hurt out in tears and think there is light at the end of the tunnel and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger as they say. And I am getting stronger but it has taken me a while as I know that there is something bigger and better waiting for me out there and that is what I need to find even if it means going through this heartache of pain!
    Yes he does have issues to deal with and we are not on the same page as he refused to see it, and unless he does deal with his issues and demons there will be no more marriage as I have come to the end of this chapter in my life!
    We cannot have a trial separation as we both have no where to go apart from our marital home so currently we are living in separate bedrooms as I do not want to share a bed with him, due to the hurt, disrespect he has shown me once again and need to be true to myself.

    Dear Jan,
    I am so sorry for what you are going through and I would never wish heartache on anyone – Trust me it is the most pain I have felt, the yearning for someone to love and fight for you so much to save your marriage and the life you promised to live with each other forever!
    I cannot say I know what you are going through as he has chosen to move on with another women and you have no control or choice in this.
    My advice to you is to try and accept what has happened and let him go as you deserve so much better and if someone doesn’t want to be in your life then let them leave! I have tired to hold on to my husband so long and it has been detrimental to myself and my marriage as he has blamed me for controlling him and I have realise I need to let him go to find himself and not blame me for his life no more and take responsibility for his own life and actions!
    You will be loved again and thinking you won’t is absurd! You have to value yourself, love yourself and believe in yourself as loving yourself is the most important thing you can ever do and should be the first thing you do!
    If you can’t love yourself then how do you expect others to love you? You are worthy of the love you deserve and if you don’t believe that then how do you expect others to see the true you?
    Fear is what holds us back and don’t let fear control your life as this is what is stopping you living the life that you deserve and the future that is waiting for you.
    A friend once told me I have to let my husband go, so my new husband can find me and thank me for it one day!
    I hope I can be a support to you and vice versa and together we can help each other through this heart ache we are going through x

    Dear T,
    You are 100% right and I thank you for your supporting and kind words! Deep down I know I have the strength as I have always been strong person and when he broke me last year I swore to myself I would never let him break me again and I live to that promise as there are times I have to dig deep and will continue to as I want to be happy! x

    Thank you everyone for all your support and only time will tell if my husband will finally wake up and get back on the right path of life with me as I have made it clear to him I have run out of time as I have given all I can give in my marriage for the last 3 years and not willing to give anymore as it takes two people to make a marriage work and I can’t carry the weight of our marriage no more and not willing too as I deserve so much more in my life, a husband that loves me, protects me and be the family unity I want so we can have our own family.

    #91112
    Virginia
    Participant

    Hi L,

    I am sorry that you are hurting and feeling so lonely. Three years is a long time to be in that type of pain. I am glad you are reaching out to find some relief from others. In your post, I can sense your desperation. My first reaction to reading your post is that it seems you are more focused on your husband and what he is doing, feeling, saying, than on yourself. The problem with this is that you can only control your own feelings, words, and actions. Perhaps as a first step, see if you can write another post, where you talk about your own hopes and dreams and expectations and disappointments and resentments. You might find that your own needs are not being met and see places where you can make a small change that will help you move toward your life goals again.

    Another suggestion is that you start looking inward and finding ways to take care of yourself. Personally I have suffered by trying to control others and situations that I have no control over, rather than than being a friend to myself. I can tell you from my experience that you cannot help anyone else until you have done this for yourself first. One support group that helped me is Alanon, so you may want to check out these groups in your area. These meetings may help you feel supported and listened to, as well as help you look at your situation in a different perspective.

    Since a new year offers opportunities for a fresh start, see if you can lighten your burdens, before you break again. Let yourself shed your old expectations and habits that aren’t working anymore. Then allow yourself to grieve those losses. Use your energy to carefully put away anything that isn’t working anymore, and replace it with new intentions. As you set new small goals and achieve them, your pain will begin to fade, and you will be amazed at the strength you’ll find.

    #91113
    L
    Participant

    Dear Virginia,
    Thank you for your post and you are correct I was focusing on my husband rather than myself and that is what broke me. And I let him take my power and I realised that last year and started to heal myself and focus more on what I want and what I use to like doing when I was young. I started going to a netball class and yoga to meet new people and I am going to a meditation group this Sunday.
    I write in a journal my hopes and dreams and also my resentment so I let go of in in more a positive way rather than an angry way.
    I have started looking after myself more and doing what I want to do rather than what was best for the marriage as that is what made me feel resentful as I was compromising my true self and lost what I stood for.
    Your words have been very helpful and supportive and I like to thank you for your advice and wisdom x

    #91115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear L:

    I am sorry that your mother, among other things, told you that “I was found in a trash can and that she wanted to leave me in Vietnam and wish she did.”

    My thoughts: People who hurt others, parents who hurt their own children, again and again, do it because they are in pain, and they have the humane responsibility to NOT do so. Being in pain, being part of a history that brought one pain, does not give the parent, the person, the license to hurt another. Your mother had no right to hurt you. She did to you then what was done to her: inflict pain on you.

    Of course it is people in pain that inflict pain on others: this is how it has always been. It is not happy, go lucky people that make it their business as usual to hurt others.

    anita

    #91121
    L
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you and I have slowly learnt that people who go out there way to hurt others are either jealous or in pain theirselves.
    My mother for some reason dislikes me and I have stopped trying and caring to understand why as that is her pain that she has to deal with and how now she no longer has a relationship with her daughter for over 12 years now. She never liked that I was independent and never needed her like my siblings and she is that type of mother that needs to be needed – sad really!
    What saddens me is that my dad always use to defend me and the day I fell out with my mum I caught him on a bad day and he defended her and said awful things to me and told me to decide if they were good enough parents for me and if they wasn’t then don’t contact them again and I chose not to as I decided that they and my family caused me more pain in my life than support and I have been much happier without their spiteful words, judgement and negativity in my life.

    #91123
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear L:

    Your father did you a favor that day! Excellent. Glad you are not in contact with them. I cut contact with my mother in May 2013 for good. Will never talk or see her again, ever. My mother didn’t like me either.

    anita

    #91124
    L
    Participant

    I spoke to him today and he has told me he wants to get help and fix himself. He wants to go back to marriage counsellor on his own and fix how he is dealing with his anger and lash outs to me. He said he wants to do it for himself and hopefully can find himself again and by fixing the underlying issue with him he hopes it fixes the marriage and can’t promise that it will by hope it does as he is the problem.
    I find it hard to believe him as he has told me he is sorry so many times and would do anything to save this marriage and then when he gets angry we go back to square one!
    He is one of those men that don’t like to deal with their emotions and rather mask them than have to face them and that is what has got us here in the first place. So it is a big step that he has finally admitted he needs help from someone as he is broke.
    The mid life crisis on being in a very stressful job is what led him to broke and he told me he switched a part of himself off as if he didn’t he would of lost the plot and he doesn’t think he has turned that part back on again and he doesn’t want to be a cold, heartless, hurtful person and wants to be his old self again and thinks it is still in him.
    He can’t promise anything as he has done that before and he doesn’t have the answers and understand if I don’t want the marriage no more because of what he has done to us and me.
    I’m not sure whether to live separate lives and let him deal with his issue and heal on his own and take time out from the marriage as I don’t want to be “sucked” into false hopes again and feel this is a time for me to make a stance and a change for good as I don’t think he ever feels I would leave him and end the marriage once and for all.
    Apart of what added to our distance in our marriage was 2 years ago I had enough and I told him I was done and we lived separate lives for 3 months and it added more resentment on both sides.
    He says he doesn’t want to lose me but I am finding it hard to believe his words as in the past is actions spoke louder than his words and when I feel we are finally on the mend and moving forward he pulls the rug right out from under my feet.
    We have wasted so much time in the last 3 years, not talking, living in separate bedrooms and arguing I don’t want to wast anymore time but I want to protect myself from getting hurt again and want to break this cycle that I have been in for 3 years once and for all.
    I am trying to focus on me and finding a job again but I feel like I can’t cope in a job at the moment as I am on a constant emotional rollercoaster.
    My career has suffered in this time and all I want is to be in a great job once again as I made a career change a few years back and haven’t found my success in the new career as yet as have come over so many obstacles which has stopped me from reaching my goals.
    My main focus is to be myself again, in a good job that I love and enjoy, earning good money once again and being in a happy work environment with great people and feel independent once again and fell like I have my own life again meeting potential new friends.

    #91125
    L
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    Yes he did but now I hear how he regrets what he said and is hurting from me not being in his life and wants to reach out to me but doesn’t know how too. Everyone always says I ma my fathers favourite as I am my fathers daughter as he has brought me up with the morals, values and integrity he follows and we are very similar.
    We both value loyalty, respect and knows what the word family mean (bit ironic as look how he treated me!) My father is very traditional and would never admit he is sorry but what sickens me is that he fell out with my sister a few years back and apologised to her a few weeks later but I hear only because he didn’t want the relationship to turn out like ours did.
    I see it he knows where I live and if he is truly sorry then he should not let his pride get in the way and repair the relationship with his daughter that he broke and freely threw away as he let his anger get in the way

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