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Finding it hard to cope with my marriage break down

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  • #91126
    Anonymous
    Guest

    dear L:

    When I wrote above about people in pain inflicting pain on others; their pain not being a license to hurt another- I wasn’t thinking of your husband- forgot about him when I wrote what I did, but it is very relevant to him. Bad, bad habit on his part: feeling his pain-> passing it on to you. Temporary relief is his payoff. It will be very difficult for him to break this pattern, this habit even if he is completely committed. If he goes to therapy, a good therapist would want to see the two of you together so to teach him and have him practice interpersonal skills with you, such as how to communicate respectfully WHEN in pain.

    A good therapist would see that priority number one is establishing good interpersonal skills between the two of you. Not resolving his pain first, but TEACH HIM HOW TO NOT LASH OUT AT YOU WHILE HE IS IN PAIN.

    The conversation with him today is part of that roller-coaster ride, isn’t it?

    By the way, I can’t imagine his problem being a mid life crisis. It seems to me a deeper issue going back to his childhood. Maybe it seemed like he was okay before the three years but his past caught up with him… and unfortunately for you, his past caught up with you as well.

    If I was you I would divorce him as soon as possible, put an end to it. And resurrect my career and live life away from the same old same old… you paid your price to Misery by having had the mother you had, and then you paid more in the last three years. Really, you had no debt to Misery, no price to pay, but you paid anyway.

    Enough!

    anita

    #91127
    L
    Participant

    Also I forgot to mention, I feel that the reason why I have focused on my marriage and husband for the last few years as I am in a place to move forward and start a family, and I thought if he can’t get the marriage right and his priorities, then it is time to end it and move forward so I can find my true love and have my family

    #91130
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear L:
    I think we’ve been posting at the same time so we didn’t read each others’ posts. I will wait then.
    anita

    #91131
    L
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    Yes I knew you was referring to my family and I agree that you should not pass your pain on to others but people are not so in control when they are hurting, and I have been a one of those people.
    I agree on your comments about a therapist and it is the same therapist we both saw and instead of her focusing on the issue that cause the marriage break up she focused on my childhood and ripped me apart and I couldn’t take anymore and we never got round to him and his childhood issues.
    He wants to get to the bottom of his issue and how he is lashing out at me and where his resentment lies with me and deal with it and heal it so he can heal himself and our marriage.
    I feel I have to give him the chance to want to be open to heal himself with counselling, as we are all not perfect and we all make mistakes and it is how we want to deal with those mistakes and heal them that makes us grow as a better person.
    And the our make up is stemmed from our childhood issues as I discovered in our counselling sessions and I have grown and healed from them, so surely I owe it to him to do the same and give him the chance to open those can of worms and heal?
    I don’t want to have regrets and think what if? As I feel you should live your life with no regrets.

    #91134
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear L:

    I don’t think it is possible to live life without regrets. I also believe that just because nobody is perfect does not mean we should tolerate such gross imperfections by others, such as lashing out. Even if you did in the past (I have), it doesn’t mean that once you corrected this behavior yourself, that you should forever pay the price in enduring the same from another.

    The therapist you described, not a good one. Like I wrote, should have started with interpersonal skills, first and highest priority, not with your childhood or his. How to interact NOW is the basis of all else.

    You don’t want to think in the future: maybe if I gave him this chance, maybe he would have healed and all would be well… if this is your motivation, then giving him another chance will be the answer… but maybe not:

    If I am getting it correctly, if THIS chance does not work out, he (and the therapist you described) will be blaming you. Following that, you will need to give him another chance with a better you. Maybe next time YOU will do it right so he can heal. Getting insane, says I.

    Look, L: If his pattern is to BLAME you and you have already taken the blame, then this is all futile- you are stuck in a situation where you cannot win.

    anita

    #91136
    L
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    I will never and have made it very clear to him I will no longer endure the pain of his lash outs from him or form any other.
    He has admitted to me he has blamed me and admitted to me that it isn’t me, it is him and he needs to deal with his issues as he wants to take responsibility for his life and fix himself and stop this treatment once and for all, and needs help and the tools to stop it, to control his anger and communicate in a positive way rather than how he has been as it is not right.
    Patternings can be broken as they have to be recognise and broken down to be fixed as I am a product of breaking my patterns that I have been taught in my childhood.
    If you can’t see your patterning how do you fix them and this is the first time he has acknowledge he needs and wants help to make right what he has broke.
    I haven’t promised him it is fixable as I said we both need time to heal individually and to grow stronger independantly and then see if we still want and if this marriage can be mended and go from there.
    So only time will tell

    #91150
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear L:

    If you attend therapy with him again, as couple therapy, make sure the therapist works on Interpersonal Skills. One term taught to me in such was EAR, stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. He needs to talk with you respectfully, to assert himself fairly and respectfully. So do not be passive if you attend therapy, take an active, directive part.

    If you give him another chance, again, do not take a passive part. Do things DIFFERENTLY than before. Not the same. Different. Do not trust words, or time but take reasonable control of what is happening. Talk to him on an ongoing basis (with breaks), ask questions. Ask for clarification. Learn to see if indeed he is healing. Since you broke your patterns from the past, you know how breaking patterns look like, so SEE and remain aware of whether he is sincerely healing.

    People often START, with good intentions, to walk the path of healing and mending and then it gets too difficult and they leave the path. This is the norm. Pay attention then.

    Post anytime.

    anita

    #91164
    L
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    I won’t be attending therapy with him as I have been there and done that but am open to it if the therapist asks me to attend. I do not have an issue no more as I was holding onto a lot of anger and resentment to him and was not willing to forgive which is what kept me stuck in my life in pain. And then I realised I need to forgive and let go for me, not for him.
    I was not passive in the past session and definitely if their are future ones as I will always challenge her advice or observations if I did not agree with them.
    I will be taking back of control on my life and I am a big believer of actions speak louder than words and if the healing path gets to difficult for him and he choses this is no longer his path, then I will continue on my own life path without him, even though it will be painful, but I will have to accept what is and let go and find the new better life that is intended for me.
    Thank you for you support Anita and I hope you had a lovely birthday xxx

    #91165
    Jan
    Participant

    Hello L

    Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Yes I know I deserve better and that this journey ahead will be a better life for me with/without a man. While I fear what is ahead, I am embracing it. Like yourself, mid-last year I had realised that I needed to start on the path of acceptance, forgiveness and letting go to heal properly. I was doing well – got a job promotion on my birthday, refurnished the house to what I wanted and took control of the property settlement which got signed off before Christmas.

    Finding out about this ‘other’ woman was a blow, as I thought he held the same values on marriage or held some respect for me as the mother of our two beautiful daughters to ‘wait’ until after the divorce. I’ve realised now that he is not the man I had married, that our values different.

    It will be a painful journey, but as long as I hold on to my values on this journey ahead, have self compassion on the emotions I feel, and lead the life I want to have, I know it will be all okay.

    I hope you’ve had a better day. Hugs to you. xx

    Jan

    #91169
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear L:

    I like your last post very much, sensible, courageous, resolute. Do stay on the path no matter what path he is on. And do post here anytime, I would love to read more as time goes by, anytime.

    * Jan: wish you well and please do post again, a new thread, if you would like. Hold on to your values on this journey ahead.

    anita

    #91174
    L
    Participant

    Hi Jan,

    Focus on what you want in your next relationship, rather than than the pain you are feeling and imagine and look forward to those new beginnings you will have, first kiss, dates together, movies….
    And as long as you hold on to your values and not compromise them you know you are sure to your self and attract the same values in your next partner.
    My day has been better and now I am turning my focus on myself so I can be stronger and not let him affect or control my happiness no more.
    I wish you all the best on your healing path and will be thinking of you as inspiration on mine x

Viewing 11 posts - 16 through 26 (of 26 total)

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