Dear ridiredhood:

If you have a loving relationship with a person, with Rin, then you will be… dragging him “into the mess” that is, into your depression and body images issues while at the same time he will be dragging you into his mess. This… dragging is part of a loving relationship. It is a mutual mess, really. And you learn to comfort each other and help each other heal from the various messes.

If Rin is good enough to do that, to accept your mess and share his own, honestly, responsibly,respectfully, and he is good enough to help you and let you help him, then he is beyond good enough, he is the best!

Your mother does not think he is good enough for you although she doesn’t know him. Does she think she was and is a good enough mother to you? Do you?

As to your questions about whether or not to carry on this relationship, this is my answer: if you agree with your mother,that is that he is not good enough for you, if you respect her opinion, her values (of what makes one good enough, as a partner or a mother…), then do not carry on with the relationship. If you do, you will be hurting him and that will be wrong. Plus, why would you carry on a relationship with someone you believe- at any capacity- not being good enough for you?

Consider your own values: what do you consider good enough for you, as a boyfriend, a best friend… Please post again, and we can continue to “talk”-

anita

Dear ridedhood:

So what made your mother very angry when she found his number in your calling history is her projection of her anger at herself for marrying your father long ago. She is very attached to her life story and projects from it what your life story should be. Her view is limited to her story and that is why she cannot see your point of view at all, as you wrote. So communication with her is very limited to her point of view. I am sure you tried to present your point of view but she rejected it again and again, being too attached to her own emotions, inaccurately projecting them to you.

Please keep this in mind as you evaluate her opinions and what she thinks you should do with your life. I believe that over time your depression will lift as you make your own choices, independent of your mother’s inaccurate projections.

Of course, some of her projections are correct. Of course, there is value to income production in the future. So I hope you can peel of what is inaccurate in her projections from what is accurate. I say: everyone is wrong some times and no one is wrong all the time, even a broken clock is correct every 24 hours.

In your to be first relationship, I hope you get your chance to have your developing points of view accepted, considered, valued by a man who has his own, and let you have your own, and then work together on a common goal, as a team.

Please do post anytime…
anita

ridiredhood, that is, anytime.