First meeting with wife during separation

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This topic has 24 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 8, 2016 at 6:12 am #111839

Dave
Participant

My wife told me three weeks ago she’s not sure she wants to have kids, she’s been unhappy for a couple years, and loves me but doesn’t think she’s still in love with me. She told me she feels like she has no purpose and doesn’t know what she wants out of life. She’s always had anxiety and I’ve thought for a long time she’s been depressed. Our love life has been awful over the past couple years and it feels like we’re both living separate lives and just going through the motion. I told her I’d give her some space, which was supposed to be a few days and has turned into 3 weeks. She agreed to meet with me tomorrow and I’m not sure what to say. The last thing I want to do is say the wrong things that will drive her away. We’ve been together for 10 years and I know our marriage can work. I love my wife and want this to be the catalyst for a stronger more loving marriage. I just fear she’s already made her decision and wants out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

August 8, 2016 at 9:29 am #111854

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grundfield:

My advice:

What not to do:
Not: Try to talk her into having a child as a solution to her anxiety and depression and as a way to fix the marriage. Such doesn’t work and it produces a child victim to an anxious and depressed mother, a struggling father and a bad marriage.
Not: Try to talk her into anything, apply any pressure on her, argue, try to convince her to try this or that.

What to do during conversation with her:

* Listen to her, pay attention to what she says, ask clarifying questions. Get as much information from her as you can.
* Validate her emotions: let her know by what you say that you heard what she said.
* If during the conversation you feel distressed, confused and not knowing how to respond, tell her just that, that you need to think and process what she said and would like to meet with her again to keep talking. Aim at multiple conversations, not just that one. (You can post after the initial conversation for more of my input, if you’d like).
* Suggest, if you haven’t already, couple counseling with a competent therapist.

anita

August 8, 2016 at 10:46 am #111864

Christian Mills
Participant

My friend, I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I can only wish you the best of luck and hope that things go well. Would joint counselling be an option. Maybe there’s a lack of understanding on both sides? I had anxiety and my partner just didn’t know what to do or act; we split up mostly on that basis. I don’t know? Just all the best my friend.

August 8, 2016 at 11:48 am #111868

Dave
Participant

Thank you for the kind words, Christian. I definitely think that couples therapy can help

August 8, 2016 at 11:54 am #111869

Dave
Participant

Anita- Thank you very much for the advice. It’s so helpful in times like this to get the “what not to do” advice as much as the “what to do.” I fear she wants a divorce and I’m not sure how to respond to that. I’ll definitely suggest counseling but won’t push anything on her. I truly appreciate the help

D

August 8, 2016 at 12:02 pm #111872

Anonymous
Guest

Dear grundfield:

You are welcome. Are you prepared for the possibility that she will talk about divorce? What is your position on it? Did you practice-in-your mind the coming conversation?

anita

August 8, 2016 at 12:03 pm #111873

Christian Mills
Participant

Not a problem Grunfield, good luck, go get her and my thoughts and prayers go with you!!!

August 9, 2016 at 5:38 am #111974

Dave
Participant

Thanks again for the advice. She cancelled talking today that way we both don’t have to go to work after the conversation. Not sure if that’s good or bad, I guess I need to stop speculating. All I can do is hope she’s open to conversation or counseling and doesn’t have her mind set on divorce, We are now meeting on Sunday.

G

August 9, 2016 at 5:48 am #111975

Dave
Participant

I’m prepared for the divorce conversation as my gut is telling me that’s where it will go. I want to tell her that I don’t want a divorce and we should try counseling. I don’t want to throw away 10 years and my love for her. Over the past 3 weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about all I could have been doing to pay more attention to her and I truly understand why she’s feeling this way. I don’t want to promise change, I just want a shot at proving to her I can. If she truly doesn’t want kids I have no clue what I’ll say. I want kids but I always assumed they’d be with her. This has been completely crazy as it came out of the the blue one Sunday morning. Any advice if she does have her mindset on divorce?

August 9, 2016 at 7:00 am #111977

Rob
Participant

grundfield,

Sorry that you are going through this, really I am. If she has a mindset on divorce, unfortunately you can’t control other peoples thoughts. If the covenant of marriage is as important to her as it is to you, possibly she will see that as the case and agree to counseling or even a trial separation before a divorce.

Her words of ILYBINILWY (I love you but I’m not in love with you) and her mentioning that she doesn’t want kids “out of the blue one Sunday morning” tells me there is more to the story than she is leading you to believe. I wish you calmness and peace.

August 9, 2016 at 7:32 am #111983

Anonymous
Guest

Dear G:

If you intend to stay married to her and live together as a married couple, then the issue of having children has to be resolved first. Ask her for her reasons, understand those and evaluate how to proceed from there. Better get divorced then live with her trying to talk her into having children, hoping for it to happen and getting frustrated along the way, or worse.

If she brings up divorce Sunday, my advice is for you to not appear desperate. Be as calm as you can. Get all the information that you can from her by asking questions in a simple and direct way, just trying to get the information, understanding her thoughts and emotions: what are they?

Don’t pressure, don’t push, keep your emotions in check so that you are able to think clearly. If you need a break, take one- walk around, come back to the conversation, or end it and meet again. Tell her you need time to calm down and process.

Most important, listen to her, gather information and if you’d like, post it here for my objective feedback (objective because I am not emotionally attached to her).

anita

August 9, 2016 at 9:11 am #111991

Dave
Participant

You’re right, it seemed to happen so fast that there might be another factor. Sure I’ll find out Sunday.

Thank you
G

August 9, 2016 at 9:13 am #111992

Dave
Participant

Once again, I really appreciate he advice. I’ll stay calm and post the results on Sunday.

G

August 9, 2016 at 9:24 am #111993

Anonymous
Guest

Dear G:

you are welcome and will be waiting here with you, hoping for the best for you. Post anytime.

anita

August 14, 2016 at 11:29 am #112324

Dave
Participant

Hi Anita,
I just met with my wife and we spent about an hour talking. She didn’t mentions divorce, but she said she still needs more time. She wants to see a therapist by herself before we try couples therapy. She said she is still confused and doesn’t know what she wants with her life. I talked to her a little bit about what I’ve been doing and everything ended ok. I told her I’d give her more time to work on herself but I still fear she’s going to leave me

G
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